Tony-Man in Downfall #1

Do you remember when this blog just reviewed movies?
Pepperidge Farms remembers...

And one day, I'll get back to doing movie reviews, and TV reviews and less inner-introspective.  I promise.  But for now, I really want to introspective on what's been going through my mind these last few weeks.  Especially what's been going on in my head today.  It's just a part of what I think of every year at about this time, as it's starting to get into Christmas time, and many tragic events in my life just happened to happen around this time.  And maybe it's not the best thing to blog about this and then expose myself out there.  But, keeping it bottled up inside hasn't exactly worked for me in the past either; and when have I ever been afraid to put my train wreck of a life out there for people to see?

I don't know how many people know that I was engaged to be married, several years back.  I was about half-way deep in my Army stint, and I fell pretty hard for a woman.  (Surprise, surprise it's a blog about a woman.)  I don't know why.  I hardly knew the girl, but sometimes you can just feel it in your heart and your soul that someone is meant to be "the one."  We'd been speaking with each other, and she fell for me, and I for her.  It was about this time, those long years ago when I thought I was ready to settle down, start thinking of starting a family.  I had all of my shit together, had a stable job, no debts, the economy while somewhat crappy was stable.  And Bush Jr was in charge.  When I asked her to marry me, she said yes.  Little did I know at that time, it would lead to one of my heinous mental defects.  I probably would have thought harder in life.  (Something, to this day I should probably do more of). 

Honestly, I don't know where I went wrong, or even if it was my fault that I got played.  I don't really even know if I got played, or if I shot myself in the foot.  But it wasn't long after we got engaged that things started turning sour.  I noticed how we slowly were becoming distant.  I noticed how she was getting annoyed by me, or maybe it was her own self-loathing.  But this perfect woman, wasn't so perfect.  And I knew I was far from what she saw in me.  I knew that while I was doing reasonably well financially, I was already a mess.  So imagine my delight when I came home from my tour in Africa; only to find her in bed with another man.  Needless to say, our engagement ended right then.

I don't know what happened.  I know it wasn't just all her, I know I have my character flaws, and I know I'm not really a good person on the inside.  Even though this was years ago... every so often, my thoughts trail to this woman that I was to marry and it makes me feel just as awful as I did back then.  It was a caustic relationship, and I saw it through to the end because I was stupid.  I know that this event changed who I am and who I was, and I can't help it, because now... now I wonder if I can ever feel the way I want again.

I want to feel like I'm on cloud nine again.  I also want to feel that I don't need to have a safety net underneath me.  I don't want to feel like I always have to wear this armor, that's too dented up, and scratched up.  My helmet's cloven in two, my chainmail torn asunder, my greaves barely serviceable.  My sword rusted and notched with too much blood, my gauntlets old, and can barely move.  I want to feel again.

Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to capture that moment in time when I thought I was happy with myself, instead of putting on the facade.  I wonder when the day will be, when I can take this hood off, and see with my own eyes, the splendor that is life, and that is love.  I feel I'm so close to it, and yet maybe that soothing light I see, is just a frieght train ready to run me over.

I'm cautiously optimistic, but if life has taught me anything... it's that I'll have to suffer before I'm rewarded.