The Rockuary: The Game Plan

Not actually related.

What do you get when you add Dwayne Johnson, Disney, and some kid?  Well, apparently you get "The Game Plan."  And while I don't think this movie really sold on the kind of actor that Dwayne is, it did convince me that he can do different things while sticking into his "tough guy" persona we've always known him to have.  Sure, there's really nothing in this movie that's original, and some of the dialogue and scenes here feel very contrived, but it's mostly harmless.  This movie isn't exactly the groundbreaking, star-making, in-your-face movie we want from Dwayne, but for what it is, I found it rather enjoyable.  An interesting side note about this particular movie is that it's the last movie that uses Dwayne's ring name as part of the credit.  It's the last time he's credited Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

So, we see Dwayne here as a star quarterback known as Joe Kingman, who is this arrogant, brash, pompous guy who takes himself rather seriously, and doesn't really like to involve his teammates in the big plays.  And because of it, he never can seem to win the championship.  Like I said, pretty cliche and contrived, but at least he's not himself an inner-city thug trying to learn the importance of not being a criminal.  So we've got that.

The next morning, an 8-year old girl appears on Kingman's doorstep claiming that she is his biological daughter and that his divorced wife sent her there to meet him.  Her name is Peyton Kelly (played by a reasonably talented Madison Pettis); however, Kingman's agent, Stella Peck (played by a more robotic Kyra Sedgewick) thinks that this will be bad for his image.  And initially, she's right.

At the opening of his own restaurant, Kingman leaves without Peyton, and it is on the cover of a tabloid magazine the next day.  Peck decides that Kingman needs to have a fatherly image.  At a later conference, the reporters make Kingman miserable, but little Peyton comes to the aid of Kingman and explains that Joe is new at all this, and was basically thrown into a situation where he wasn't prepared.  This garners sympathy, and allows Kingman to save face.  But ohhhhhhh is there a price to pay.

And of course, since all 8-year-old girls like ballet, Peyton forces Kingman to take her to ballet class ran by the closest thing to a romantic interest in the movie, Monique Vasquez (played by the always prancing Roselyn Sanchez, who I think was in that movie "Center Stage" about the crappy ballet dancers who I couldn't give a shit about.  [get back to me on that if that's the movie I'm thinking of]) and wouldn't you know it, now by whatever con, Kingman now has to participate in ballet.  It was to show that ballet dancers can be just as athletic and physical as football players.  Kingman and Peyton finally start their relationship after Peyton brings to attention that Kingman's an arrogant asshat.

Soon however, we get the whole liar reveal arch, where Peyton accidentally tells Kingman that she was supposed to be at ballet camp, but she ran away in order to find her father, and that this makes Joe angry that Peyton has been a distraction.  It's further explained through an allergic reaction that Peyton has to peanuts that her mother, Kingman's ex-wife, had been killed in a car accident and that Peyton was staying with Kingman's former sister-in-law.  And the movie sort of just passes over these facts rather casually.  And there's the whole moping scene where Kingman realizes that Peyton was the best thing that had happened to him... it's pretty formulaic and a bit groan-worthy, but for what it gave, it's pretty harmless and it doesn't become the focus for very long.

It's championship game time, and Kingman gets injured.  Peyton returns to his side and gives him the same words of encouragement he once gave her, not to give up and throw away opportunities, and in the end, Kingman learns the value of teamwork, and the value of being a father.  He turns down a multi-million dollar sponsorship, and decides to be a father.  And it all wraps up rather nicely.

So, that's "The Game Plan" in a nutshell, and while it didn't exactly add anything revolutionary to the awkward father story formula, it does do a good representation of it.  It has a cohesive story, and there are a few touching moments.  Madison Pettis is also a pretty competent actor, and fortunately she's not overbearing nor hard to listen to.  It's clear that she wanted to get the job done not only right, but well.  I do think, that this movie is really the movie that showed that Dwayne Johnson does have potential, and does have range.

On a scale from one to Super Mega Awesome, I'm going to rate this movie a Really Good.  Tune in next time when The Rockuary tackles (see what I did there) "Get Smart (2008)"

The Rockuary: Reno 911: Miami

So it's like this...

In this movie, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is not a major character.  But as he does have a substantial cameo in this movie, I'm including this movie into "The Rockuary."  But before I review this movie, I want to let my readers know that I never watched the show.  I didn't really have access to a TV at this point in my life, so I don't really know whether the show was any good, and therefore I might be judging the movie leaning more toward my own ignorance than for the quality of its source material.

Reno 911, from what I understand is a mockumentary, that parodies COPS, and does so in a clever fashion that's funny and well-paced.  But in this movie... I guess I'm missing the clever, the funny, and the pacing.  And while I'm going to chalk up most of what I think is wrong with this movie up to my ignorance of the source material, I've got to say besides the flashes of nudity, and Danny Devito... I can't really find anything good about this movie.  Granted it's not DOOMed to be a stinker... like DOOM was, and Dwayne Johnson's cameo is interesting, this movie sucked.

I think the movie could have been better if it were split up into a few episodes, but to have to sit through 80 minutes of just lowbrow jokes (most which don't work), and a plot that slogs on, I lost interest in the movie about 25 minutes in, and I personally can't even remember what happened in it.  And I just watched this movie for the first time last night.

And really... with all the nudity and dick jokes, I guess a cohesive plot and character development is obligated to take a secondary role to whatever is going on.  Even as I'm writing this review, I feel like the audience itself is secondary to this movie having its own head up its ass.  So I'm just going to end with this.

If you know the source material of the movie and this particular movie does it for you, then by all means.  If you don't know the source material, but you like to see bewbs and all that, then... this movie is for you.  If you don't know the source material, and you were thinking about watching this movie for its immersive characters, it's engaging plot, and a cohesive and clever idea... then you'd be better off watching paint dry.

On a scale between one and Super Mega Awesome, I give this movie a Masterfully Crapful.  Ass and titties can only go so far. Tune in to The Infraggable Tony-Reviews presents "The Rockuary" when I review "Southland Tales."

The Rockuary: Gridiron Gang

Because inter-city thugs pull at the heart strings

In this installment of "The Rockuary" we get to finally see the beginnings of potential for Dwayne Johnson.  And while this movie isn't necessarily good in a conventional sense, it is a pretty good movie based on what it was trying to do.  Now, when I think of "Gridiron Gang," another movie that is similar to this comes to mind.  If anyone knows the line of thought that I'm going to, I'm talking of course about "Remember the Titans."  They have similar plots, they have similar type of characters, they have similar messages.  The difference being that in "Remember the Titans" (2000) their central focus was on de-segregation, and it had ties with the Civil Rights Movement, "Gridiron Gang" (2006) deals more about de-criminalization, and gang wars.

While I personally think that "Remember the Titans" is the stronger of the two movies, "Gridiron Gang" did get some things right.  In this movie, Dwayne Johnson plays Sean Porter who works at the Kilpatrick Detention Center in Los Angeles.  Which I think is a good way to introduce his character, as Dwayne is believable as a Detention Officer.  Having been frustrated at the fact that he's not able to help kids get away from their problems, (i.e. gang wars, drugs, robbery, etc) he decides to create a football team to allow the kids to feel like they're a part of something better.  Why football?  I don't really know, but I suppose it would be better than say, half-naked volleyball or something ridiculous like that. 

(Which leads me to wonder why baseball is America's pass time, when more people like football to begin with.  Meh, I'm over thinking it.)

Porter believes that football and teamwork will teach the teenage inmates what it takes to be responsible, mature, and winners.  So he picks several inmates that he feels will benefit from his program and requires that they practice with him the following day.  He tells his team, "You are all losers, but if you stick to this program, you could all be winners at the end."  And there is a practice session that is mildly funny that not one inmate knows how to spell the word "Mustangs" which is the name of their team.  Two of the team members do not get along, as they are members of rival gangs.  Willie Weathers is from the 88's, and Kelvin Owens is from the 95's. 

88's and 95's?  I'm just going to assume that these are street numbers, otherwise, these are stupid ass gang names.  I mean, I don't know much about gang nomenclature, or gang histories, but you have to admit these are pretty stupid fucking names for street toughs.  But, for the sake of the movie, and because it's doing so well so far, I'mma let this slide.

So, after they've had practice, they think they're ready for their first game, which is against the best team in the league, Barrington.  And for the first few minutes of the game, things are going well for the Mustangs.  They recover a fumble, and they're feeling rather good about themselves, but things quickly turn for our inter-city rapscallions.  They are totally annihilated by Barrington losing by 38 points.  (Like the Broncos... ...too soon?)  And after being on a 0-2 losing streak, the Mustangs finally win a game as they start to learn to work together as a team.  Kelvin and Willie even shake hands at the end of a game when they finally start to respect one another when they win their first game after Kelvin makes a crucial block for Willie to score the winning touchdown.

But not everything is all roses and faerie farts.  One of Willie's gang friends, Free, stops by the field and realizes that Kelvin is a 95.  Kelvin and Free get into a fight, and Free shoots him in the shoulder.  As free prepares to put another bullet in Kelvin's head, Willie tackles Free to the ground to save Kelvin's life.  Free is shocked that Willie would help a 95, as the police arrives.  He fires at the cops, and the cops retaliate killing Free in the process.  Although Kelvin survives the attack, he is unable to play in the playoffs. 

In the next game against Barrington, the Mustangs are down 14-0, because of their demoralization of losing Kelvin.  But Willie makes an inspirational and motivating speech... because all football movies need one... and they go out and beat Barrington.  There is then a narration by Dwayne in the form of a voice-over, because sports movies tend to have one of those as well, explaining that the Mustangs lost the championship game 17-14, but no one called them losers.  And it turns out that most of the inmates who were in the program had gone on to better things.

The movie ends with the "next class" of Mustangs, training and unable to spell Mustangs.  And it wraps up pretty nicely.

As said before, I think that "Remember the Titans" is the stronger, better movie.  But "Gridiron Gang" was cohesive, it flowed and paced very nicely, and it wasn't saying more than it was meant to say.  It wasn't pretentious, it had a comprehensive narrative, and while it did stick with several cliches that sort of made me want to internally groan, and didn't really add anything new to the "problematic kid and sports" genre, it did present itself rather admirably.  I didn't have any major problems with the movie, save the gang names thing... so on a scale from one to Super Mega Awesome, I'm going to rate this movie as "Enjoyably Good."

Tune in next time when The Infraggable Tony-Reviews presents "The Rockuary: Reno 911: Miami"

The Rockuary: DOOM

Great game... shitty movie

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm very critical about my video game and comic book movies.  While in the last seven to eight years, comic book movies have really improved in their quality.  So why is it that video game movies have a tendency to suck so much?  Obviously, these film makers should have learned by now that in order to make a video game movie good, you have to stick to its original premise.  You have to know your source material.  You have to present it in a way that's familiar to the fans, but also brings something new to the table.  You have to know what's going on.  You have to make the fans happy, while not undermining their intelligence.  And this piece of oily hippo shit does none of these things.

So what do I like about this movie?  Well, there actually is something I like about this movie.  The fact that Dwayne Johnson turns out to be the bad guy in this movie.  It's pretty contrived, and it doesn't really feel natural, and it feels more like his role from "The Mummy Returns," being tacked on, and somewhat unnecessary, but I rather like that they could allow Dwayne to be a bad guy.

And that's pretty much all I like about this movie.  There are just so many things wrong about this movie, that's shitty.  I'm not even sure where to begin.  ...well, actually... I do know where to begin.  It's original premise.  The DOOM computer game was about a Hell invasion on Phobos, one of the moons of Mars.  It is the year 2046, and we've apparently colonized the moon of Mars.  There's not much of a backstory that's needed past that.  Earth sends some of their toughest marines to deal with the situation, you just happen to be one of the last surviving Marines left.  Simple as that.  In its movie counterpart, there's no mention of Hell.

A truly bold movie adaptation of the first-person-shooter videogame 'Doom' would simply be an hour and a half of ... well ... first-person shooting. The camera would take the point of view of an anonymous soldier as he blasts his way through various mutants, zombies, and other unfriendly creatures in the catacombs of Mars.

There is actually an extended sequence like that in the movie, tipping its hat to its popular source. It's pretty clever and has a kind of trigger-finger wit. Otherwise, Doom the movie is likely to thrill only those who have been yearning for a Doom movie. Most others will have seen it all before, in superior action-horror films (Aliens, Predator) and not-so-superior ones (Resident Evil).

Scientists on Mars have been diddling around with a 24th chromosome that makes humans super strong and almost indestructible. The process, though, also functions as a sort of moral litmus test: If you're predisposed to violence or psychosis, it'll make you a monster. So the result is a bunch of dead scientists, and a crew of Hollywood-issue Marines are shipped off to Mars to investigate. Character subtlety is out of the question: the only Marine with a full name is John Grimm (Karl Urban), which suits his general mood. The other guys go by names like Goat, Duke, Destroyer, and Sarge (The Rock).

Helmed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, a decent cinematographer (Thirteen Days, The Devil's Advocate) turned schlock director (Cradle 2 the Grave, Romeo Must Die), the movie streaks by in unscannable short bursts of gunfire. Doom is plenty bloody and violent, though the hyperactive editors (four are credited) make sure you don't see much of the carnage, in effect doing the MPAA's censorious work for it. The video game was (notoriously) much more brutal; the movie is suggestively brutal, offering quick glimpses of torn flesh, spattered blood. In one memorable bit, a tube of a character's watery brain matter is applied to a monster's severed tongue to see if there's a reaction. That sentence has possibly never been typed before, and I suppose I have Doom to thank for it.

The Rock continues to pursue his apparent dream of being a stoic and colorless action hero, without a trace of the humor he's shown in interviews, in supporting roles, or even in his old wrestling persona. His one tender moment is played opposite an enormous gun, taking trash-movie autoeroticism about as far as it can go. (Regardless, we see it fired only twice.) Usually a director would try to cast eccentrics around a rock like The Rock, but here we only get Karl Urban, here used for his imposing physique and little else. Urban emerges as the film's closest thing to a hero, but he's still not very close, playing a hard-boiled soldier who goes on the mission mainly to rescue his scientist sister (Rosamund Pike, who couldn't act worth a damn in Die Another Day and still can't). Only Richard Brake, as the sleazy and duplicitous grunt Portman, gives a performance of any interest, and even that's on the level of caricature.

And what exactly did I expect from a movie based on a shoot-'em-up video game? Well, there's no rule that video game movies have to be idiotic. And there's no rule that action-horror flicks need be dumb: James Cameron's Aliens remains the gold standard in a debased sub-genre. Doom, however, proceeds as though those were inviolable rules. And except for a moment involving a monkey in an air shaft the script is as humorless as The Rock's character.

Some time ago there was a famous Internet clip of the online game 'World of Warcraft,' in which a player loudly proclaiming himself "Leeroy Jenkins" ran heedlessly into a hazardous level and (hilariously) got everyone else killed. 'Doom' could've used a Leeroy Jenkins.

On a scale of one to Super Mega Awesome, this movie gets a "Stay the fuck away from it, and it can't hurt you."  If I knew then, what I know now... I would have taken this advice.

The Rockuary: Be Cool

Ice to meet you.  Okay everyone, chill.  Yeah, lame.

I'm going to be honest here.  I am not particularly a John Travolta fan.  Yes, he's done some good work, I just find him and many of his characters to be a complete douche canoe.  Which is sad, because there are a lot of great actors in this.  You've got Uma Thurman, Cedric the Entertainer, Vince Vaughn (just before he caught his stride), Dwayne Johnson... well... he's in it.

It's probably for the better that Dwayne's part in this movie is more subdued, and that the attention is not on him.  And considering in this movie, he plays a gay Samoan bodyguard whose only purpose really is to be the butt of gay jokes... eh... I'm sure they could have gotten someone else to play this.

“Be Cool,” the sequel to the popular film “Get Shorty” has some of the same characters as the original and is adapted from the work of the same brilliant author, Leonard Elmore, but is not nearly as good a film as the original. The characters are still engaging, but the story is a mess this time around.

John Travolta reprises his role as gangster-turned-movie-producer Chili Palmer. He has grown weary of the movie business and is looking to move on. One of the reasons he is moving on is that he was suckered into doing a sequel. There are some funny movie in-jokes about sequels in the movie. The problem is, Chili Palmer's weariness and his loathing of sequels leaks into the film itself and robs some of its carefree spirit. Chili spots a promising young singer, Linda Moon (played by Christina Milian of “Man of the House”) and decides he is going to go into the record business. One of the attractions of the record business for Chili is that it is much more dangerous, and exciting, than the movie business. Chili is not bothered at all by the fact that Moon is under contract to a dangerous record company executive, Nick Carr (Harvey Keitel). He smooth talks his way into a deal with a rival record company headed by an old friend, Edie Athens (Uma Thurman of “Kill Bill”). Edie is being threatened by another dangerous record company executive, Sin LaSalle (Cedric the Entertainer). Chili soon finds that several people are gunning for him, including Russian mobsters.

The story is filled with colorful characters, like Raji (Vince Vaughn of “Dodgeball”), a white record company flunky who pretends to be street-smart, but doesn't have a clue. Then there's Raji's gay bodyguard, Elliot Wilhelm (played by The Rock of “Walking Tall”), who wants to be an actor. Dabu (André Benjamin), one of Sin LaSalle's hitmen, is a man adrift. He seems to be on the outside looking in to any scene where he appears. His off-the-wall comments always seem to strike the wrong chord. Sin LaSalle is a well-educated record executive who is trying to ride herd, not only on some wayward performers, but his own crooked-shooting gang as well, especially his in-law, Dabu.

The movie also features a dance scene between Travolta and Thurman which is supposed to remind the viewer of a similar dance scene the same two actors did in “Pulp Fiction.” It did remind me of that scene, but it also reminded me that this movie pales in comparison to “Pulp Fiction.” The big problem with this movie is the script. Time and again, Chili angers powerful people who threaten to kill him. Time and again, Chili is spared for no good reason. The plot consists of schemes and counter-schemes that are flimsy in both their design and execution. I couldn't really buy any of it. The characters themselves are mildly entertaining. Christina Milian is a fine singer and there are some good musical numbers in the film. I thought Vince Vaughn was playing it too far over the top. Raji is meant to be an absurd character, I know, but Vaughn played him with such desperate intensity that was painful to watch. It doesn't help that Raji murders someone with a baseball bat. That makes him a lot less funny. The movie is a collection of characters frantically searching for something funny to do. They never quite find the missing humor.

On a scale between one and Super Mega Awesome, this thing rates a Disappointing Slog.  Next time on "The Rockuary," we'll look at the worst movie the Rock's been involved in.  "Doom"

The Rockuary: Walking Tall

Well... he is 6'5"...

With this being the fourth movie that Dwayne Johnson has gained some notoriety, is the movie Walking Tall.  And while it's not the worst thing in existence, or even the worst thing covered in "The Rockuary," this is a pretty shitty movie.  And while I'm not sure it's a shitty movie because of ol' DJ here, he didn't exactly save the movie.  Anyone who doubts the Rock's acting credentials could probably point at this movie and competently argue that the Rock should have stayed in World Wrestling Entertainment.  And they'd be right to say so.  The Rock; however, if nothing else, is a charismatic person.  He has this certain je nais c'qouis as people like to put it.  At this point, is The Rock the new Schwarzenegger?  ...well, no.  But that doesn't mean there are similarities between the two by now.

Especially early in his career, Arnold made his share of stinkers. (Anyone remember Red Sonja, Commando, and Raw Deal?) Walking Tall stands up as The Rock's first venture into cinematic putrefaction. (The Scorpion King wasn't awful, it was just plain silly.) This is a wretched motion picture, even considering that it isn't a member of a well-respected genre. The film is comprised of four violent action scenes tied together by nearly 50 minutes of alternately hilarious (unintentionally, of course) and dull filler. So we have the obligatory character-building scenes, not to mention an underdeveloped romance that serves no discernable purpose whatsoever. (Since this is a PG-13 movie, it's not even an excuse for a hot sex scene.)

And in my opinion, it's that this movie is PG-13 that really hurts this movie.  The character development in this movie is practically contrived and it feels very forced.  The romance is completely under-developed, and just seemed tacked on.  Ashley Scott plays the generic girlfriend.  Nice body, decent face, little if any dialogue.  None of it memorable, but considering the dialogue within the movie, this actually works to her favor.  Even the conflict between the Rock's character and Neal McDonough's character isn't all that interesting as this movie is very paint-by-the-numbers.  Let's just say that there's more drama, suspense, and tension at my parent's house during Christmas.

Fortunately, it isn't a total crapfest of "Why did I pay to see this movie."  There are several instances of unintentional hilarity.  The movie goes at a pretty brisk pace, and the action sequences, while PG-13'd, are amusing.  And The Rock is pretty much at the point of stardom at this point that it doesn't matter what he does.  People will love him.  So what probably could be a career-breaking movie, is more of a minor inconvenience for him.  This movie is certainly not the worst piece of crap that The Rock was in, and I understand it has a small cult following.

For me, I'm glad I saw this trouser stain of a movie, but it's certainly not one I keep on a bookshelf waiting for me to rewatch it.  You're totally welcomed to disagree with me, but as for myself.  From a scale of one to Super Mega Awesome, this movie rate as Dismally Poor.  Probably the worse movie rating I've given to a movie yet.

Next up on "The Rockuary" is another meh sort of movie.  "Be Cool."

The Rockuary: "The Rundown"

If you were like me, and dismissed "The Rundown" during it's theatrical run as just another stupid action vehicle for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - well, get in the apology line behind me, because you owe one to everyone involved for judging a book by it's cover. "The Rundown" is good. Perhaps it's not genre-revolutionizing and life-altering good. But it's definitely snappy one-liners and bone-crunching action good, and that's good enough for me.

"The Rundown" is one of those movies that just comes together. You expect it to be dumb, but it's refreshingly clever. You expect the acting to range anywhere from mediocre to horrible, and everyone in the cast rises to the occasion and turns in a damn solid performance. You expect the action scenes to be pedestrian, and you are giddily surprised to find a director with a sharp eye at the helm, who knows just how to get the most out every flying scissor-kick or thug getting a blunt object cracked over his head. There's a torch-passing cameo in the opening scene, where The Rock brushes against Arnold Schwarznegger in the hall of a nightclub, and the Governator just smiles at him and says "Have Fun." Never has such an exhortation been taken to heart so well. It's that sense of fun that constantly uplifts "The Rundown", and gives you a new found respect for directors like Peter Berg (VERY BAD THINGS) and even guys like The Rock or Sean William Scott, who manage to rise above the niches they've been typecast into.

Rock plays Beck, a very tough dude who runs down people to collect on their gambling debts in order to pay off one of his own. Despite his talent for breaking bones and laying out guys who are twice his size, he's really just a nice guy who hates guns, doesn't like hurting people, and who wants to get out of "the life" and open a quiet restaurant somewhere. He's given the chance to do just that if he does one last job for his boss - find the Boss's son down in the jungles of Brazil. It seems that Travis (Sean William Scott) ran off to become a treasure hunter after sleeping with the wrong guy's wife. Now he has to come back to face the music.

Beck takes the job and goes looking for Travis, making the acquaintance of sexy bartender Marianna (Rosario Dawson) in the process. Finding Travis is the easy part. Getting him back home is another story, since local crime overlord and slave driver Hatcher (Christopher Walken, in top form) is looking for a valuable artifact that Travis claims to know the whereabouts of.

What ensues is a lot of chasing and fighting in the jungle, a lot of funny exchanges between Scott and The Rock, and plenty of hilarious dialogue from Walken in his unsurpassed deadpan style (His "Tooth Fairy" analogy is bound to be quoted repeatedly by fans). But best of all are the fight scenes, which are full of energy and great camera angles and some really fantastic choreography. Sure, they're used as a showcase for The Rock's Wrestlemania moves, but they work. If you're an action fan, seeing how much furniture the rock breaks over people's heads will constantly bring a smile to your face.

I don't know if The Rock will really become as big as Schwarzenegger was in his prime, but making movies like "The Rundown" is certainly a way to get off on the right foot. Likewise, his progress as an actor is impressive when compared to 2002's "Scorpion King". He's not going to be ready to do any Shakespeare festivals anytime soon, but he sells the role with a combination of an intimidating demeanor and likable gruffness. If you're in the mood for a solid two hours of one-liners and good ass-kicking, "The Rundown" is definitely worth running down to the video store for.

The Rockuary: The Scorpion King

Are prequels ever a good idea?

Welcome to the second installment of "The Rockuary."  So, after the snafu of the Scorpion King's character in "The Mummy Returns," we get treated to a movie that everyone (including me) wanted to see.  We wanted to know the back story of the Scorpion King.  After that pandering steaming hot pile of garbage that we got in the intro to "The Mummy Returns," Hollywood decided to give us, "The Scorpion King."  And while yeah, this movie was considered a success at the box office, it didn't do nearly as well as they thought.

The budget of this movie was less than that of "The Mummy Returns," at about 60 million dollars, and world-wide it grossed 165 million, which was far less than its predecessor, but considering this was the Rock's first role as a leading man, and getting paid 5.5million dollars for his rookie attempt, one has to admit, this was pretty awesome.  But now through the eyes of nostalgia, I have to admit... this movie had its glaring flaws and its rather stupid moments.

What do I like about this movie?  Well, the effort of The Rock, and the vision the director had for this movie.  I liked Kelly Hu.  And of course, the late, great, and incomparable Michael Clarke Duncan, who was in this movie.  I liked the sword fighting, and I liked how all of the actors took the time and effort to learn some basic sword fighting to make the movie seem a little more authentic.

So, with likable characters, what don't I like about this movie?  Well, anyone who has ever read any of my movie reviews would know that pacing is key to my enjoyment of the movie.  If it's too fast, you don't get to know your characters, and you tend not to give a shit about their motivations, if it goes too slow, you end up resenting these characters, and hating them... and unfortunately, despite these great characters driving the story... the pacing feels too clunky.  It's too fast and doesn't explain shit in some parts of the movie, and sometimes it just slogs on until you wish everyone was dead just to end the movie quicker.

Also, I really didn't like the villain all that much.  The villain's name here is Memnon, and I have to admit, in my opinion... that's not a very villainy name.  It sounds like a name you could give to "Random villager #5" and get away with it.  And he's weak.  Not as in physical strength weak, but his characterization is weak.  His goal is basically to become the Scorpion King, become immortal, and take over the world.  But there's little if any motivation.  Hardly any character development, little screen time to explore this villain's facets.  Which is a shame, because I feel that Memnon could have had golden scenes.

While "The Scorpion King" is, in my opinion a bad movie, there are enjoyable moments.  The stuff that works in this movie, really works.  But the clunkiness of the movie and the blandness of our villain pretty much takes me out of the movie for the most part.  Provided this is the Rock's first movie as a leading man, and given what the actors, and director had to work with, this was a pretty gutsy movie in general.  I would recommend watching it, at least once.  But don't come into this movie with the expectation that it's "The Mummy" caliber.  On a scale of one to Super Ultra Awesome, I'd rate this move a "Reasonably Good."

Next time on The Rockuary, "The Rundown"

The Rockuary: The Mummy Returns

Ahhhhh!  Kill it with fire!

So as promised, today is the first day that I'm starting a whole month of movies that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been in.  And while "The Mummy Returns" is not the first movie that he has been in ("Beyond the Mat" being a wrestling Documentary in 1999, and "Longshot" where he had a very brief cameo in 2000), this is the first movie where he gained notoriety beyond his then-WWF career.  Here, he plays The Scorpion King, who in a later movie would be named Mathayus.  In this movie, Dwayne Johnson has little more than a cameo, and the CGI didn't exactly lend to be on par with the Great One, but considering that most of the CGI technology was headed by New Line with the creation of Gollum for the Two Towers... Universal Pictures could have done a little better with their CGI.  But I get ahead of myself.

The budget of "The Mummy Returns" was about 98 million dollars, and had a box office return of just over 433 million dollars, so all in all I'd say that this was a pretty successful movie.  But now that I'm watching this movie again in preparation of "The Rockuary," I'm not sure it was as successful as it should have been.

So the movie begins in the year 3067BC... because... sure why not?  Here we get to see the Brahma Bull, as the at this time unnamed "Scorpion King" while he's leading his armies on a campaign to conquer the Earth.  But apparently in seven years of warmongering things don't exactly go his way, and to the desert of Ahm Sher.  I don't exactly know where that is, so to bullshit through we'll just say present-day Egypt... otherwise the rest of this movie is pretty much putting its head up its own ass.  Soon enough after walking through the desert, and all of his men dying... which makes me wonder how the Scorpion King just happened to be the last survivor... (save through contrived plot device) he vows to sell his soul to Anubis (God of Death) for the power to defeat his enemies.  Apparently in doing so, Anubis decides to give him a pyramid, an oasis, nigh-immortality, and an army of undead jackal humanoid like creatures.  I mean shit... I would sell my soul for a ham sammich.  Anyway, so that happens, and once the Scorpion King finishes his task, Anubis takes his soul and the world pretty much falls under a deux ex machina effect.

Fast forward to 1933AD, because again, that's a perfectly sensible year for the rest of the movie to take place.  We reunite with Rick O'Connell (played by the always talented Brendan Fraiser) and his now wife (from the previous movie, "The Mummy" played by the underrated, yet beautiful Rachel Weisz) Evelyn O'Connell searching a ruined mortuary structure in the ancient city of Thebes.  And they bring their snot-nose brat of a child named Alex played by who the fuck cares.  Rick and Evelyn are horrible people bringing their child to a place that most likely will kill all three of them if not for Hollywood magic.  Anyway... that bothers me less than just how much this kid annoys the ever-loving shit out of me.

While there, they come across a mystical bracelet said to have been worn by the Scorpion King, and here we have our McGuffin.  When they get back to London, the kid learns that the wearer of the bracelet would immediately become cursed and will have seven days to reach the Scorpion King's pyramid or else die when the sun's light touches the pyramid.  So it's one of those seven day curses.  Gee, that's not original or anything like that.  But whatever, we have a sense of direction for this movie now.

Evelyn gets captured by some Egyptian cultists who want to resurrect Imhotep who was the villain from the last movie, in a sort of uninspired way for the purpose of killing the Scorpion King who is said to be resurrected this year though how or why this is isn't really even properly explained.  But apparently killing the Scorpion King would allow Imhotep to control that jackal army.  So that's sort of neat.

Anyway, after all that, a whole bunch of shit happens, there's an air chase that most people seem to remember and a lot of missed humorous moments.  And then Evelyn has apparently a flashback to a previous life where she was apparently some sort of Egyptian priestess warrior, or some crap like that.  And finally after very little payout from the whole movie... we get to see the Rock as an actual big ass Scorpion.

Okay, okay, okay, okay... what the fuck is this shit?  Why is he a big fucking scorpion?  Does this movie actually explain anything?  And why is this one of the worst things anyone has ever done, ever?  Fine, I'll go with this.  Eventually, through an even less important McGuffin, the Scorpion King dies pretty much like a bitch, Imhotep is swallowed up by the souls of the dead, and I'm sitting in the theater saying "What the fuck is this shit?"  And I have to hear from my friends how this is a great movie.

No.  The reason why this was a great movie was that this was the Rock's movie "debut."  This movie explained nothing, and while cinematically it was pleasing to look at, I felt that the movie felt tacked on and stupid.  But ohhhh... this is certainly not the worst movie the Rock has ever been a part of.  Don't believe me?  You'll just have to wait for more from "The Rockuary."  If you Smell-ell-ell-ell-ell..... what the Rock... is cookin'.  o.ô

Tony-Man vs. English Speakers

Before I kick-off "The Rockuary," there is something that is on my mind.  Having seen last night's Coca-Cola commercial where "America the Beautiful" was sang in several different languages, it apparently brought out the "We speak English in this Country" community.  Mostly over this muddle we call the internet.  And while I realize that arguing over the internet is pretty much like bringing a one-legged man to an ass-kicking contest, I feel that I need to at least say something.  Because, anyone who reads this blog who actually knows me knows I always have something to say.

I am America.  Chances are, I'm more American than a good many people who decry that we speak English in this country.  I am a healthy blend of Korean and American, and while I only speak English, I come from a proud line of people.  I am a third generation soldier.  My Mission Oriented Specialty (MOS) was communications and signal.  I saw combat in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Africa.  My father began as a TOW Gunner, and later switched to being a bio-medical technician.  My grand father was field artillery.  For all I know, if I'm ever blessed with having children, they might join the military and see combat as well.

My mother is Korean.  She married my father, without knowing hardly any English and immigrated here, became a citizen of America, and has lived here longer than I've been alive.  She didn't accept any hand-outs, she didn't just decide to remain content with being a soldier's wife.  She has owned her own small businesses ranging from an ice cream shop, to an alterations shop, to a liqour store, and is now planning on becoming a landlord.  And she has been successful at each venue she ever tried, all without any proper education.  Because she believed in the ideal that in America if you work hard, seize the opportunities when you see them, and not get discouraged, a person can be successful here in America.

Yes, officially America is an English speaking country.  But America is also unique for encouraging other people from different countries and melting with our English speaking core to create something that many other countries don't have.  We're diverse.  And it was our diversity that made America the greatest country in the world.  Our tagline was the land of opportunity, and it was great global marketing.  So why now do our "English speaking purists" want to take that which made us so great?  Okay, I firmly believe that immigrants who want to live in America should go through the process of naturalization, and get a green card.  I firmly believe that we also have the right to deny people access to America if they're illegals.  But to say that everyone in America, legal or not should be forced to speak English is a bit much.

My friends are a diverse group of people.  They reflect America.  Yes, most of them are Caucasian, many of them only speak English.  Some of them can speak Spanish, one or two of them can speak other languages.  I have a few Latino friends, some of them speak Spanish.  I have a few Black friends, and they speak English.  But should I expect them to speak some sort of African language?  Of course not.  But do I expect them to be ashamed of their heritage and force them to speak only said African language?  No.  That's the mark of bigotry.

America isn't America because of the language that we speak, nor by the color of our skin.  You can find America in the way we treat each other.  You can see America when the sun rises and you're not afraid to wake up in the morning, or the crack of noon.  You can see America in the hearts of your children.  You can feel America just hanging out with your friends and acting like idiots for the sheer fact that with your friends you can act like complete idiots, and that okay.  America is what you make of it, and by limiting America based on the language you speak, you also limit the potential of American life itself.  And by doing that, you label yourself as the very essence of ignorance.

If America was concerned about keeping its original identity, perhaps we should all wear bear hides, and live in teepees or wigwams, or adobe huts, or whatever it was that the Natives lived in before the English and the rest of Europe came over.  I'm sure it was the Natives fault for being on the "Old World's" land before they got there.  But such as it is.

America is beautiful, so please... let's not mar its image with narrow-mindedness.  Enough damage has been done to this teenager of a country.  Let's allow her to grow up in a nurtured environment and see what she can become when she grows up into full womanhood.  Will she be a beautiful country that everyone will once again admire, or will she become a spiteful defeated wilted flower who will end up hating everything.  We have to help decide that.