Tony-Man reviews The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

The best part of the movie... sadly.

Happy New Year, my fellow readers, and welcome to getting this blog back to its roots, which is reviewing things that I think should be reviewed.  Pretty simple concept.  And this year, I intend to review so many things.  Movies, games, places to eat, places to sleep, I don't know... maybe not that last one, but the future, she is a whimsical mistress.  And I thought, what better way to kick off the New Year than to review this slog of a movie Peter Jackson likes to call "The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug."

Now before I pick at it, and tell you why this movie is basically Peter Jackson's wet dream, and a horrific one at that... I am a Tolkein aficionado.  I know how the story begins, I know how the story continues, I know how the story ends.  I also expect that there will be some deviations, there will be some things changed to make the story more compelling, and let's face it... anyone who has read the books know that Tolkein's material can be rather... well stale for lack of better words.  It's a bit of a mess, and while yes, this movie is an improvement over the previous iteration, it still falls short of Peter Jackson's magnum opus of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

So, obviously you can take away that I didn't like this movie... and well, yes, I didn't like this movie, this movie is cinematically beautiful... most of the time.  I guess before I rip into the movie, I should tell you what I do like about the movie.  As I said before, the movie is cinematically beautiful.  Every set piece made me feel like the characters are actually there.  The action sequences are fast-paced, and they're interesting.  The Elves return and Legolas (played by Orlando Bloom) who I thought was only going to have a cameo in this movie, is actually a pretty large part of the movie, which certainly entertained a ten years younger Tony-Man, who thought Legolas was the cat's pajamas back then.  And he still kicks ass, and finally gave him something of a personality in this movie... which I'll talk about a little later.  Even Gimli gets a mention, by his father Gloin... though I wish Gloin had more to do in any of these movies.  Pretty much any scene with Gandalf is gold.  And the introduced a new character, a female elf named Tauriel (Played by Evangeline Lilly who isn't mentioned in any of Tolkein's works, but let's face it, up until now the movie's pretty much been a sausage fest, so I'll let this slide).  And unlike Galadriel, Arwen, or even Eowyn before her, Tauriel kicks major ass in this movie.  She actually fights.  And yes, okay... Eowyn kills the Witch King of Angmar in Return of the King, but the character didn't actually do much fighting, no.  Here in this movie Tauriel kicks ass, looks like a bad ass, and I'll admit, gave me a raging semi...

What?  I like elf chicks, who kick ass.  Don't tell me you don't have some strange thing.  ....perverts.

I rest my case.

And of course, not since Sean Connery voiced the dragon from Dragonheart have I loved a dragon so much, and Benedict Cumberbatch knocks it out of the park with his voice acting.  The CGI while not perfect, does lend itself to the authenticity of this fantasy world.  It was the first time in these two movies I really felt that Bilbo and the Dwarves were really in danger.  That there was actual peril in this movie.  In the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I always thought that each member of the Fellowship was in danger at pretty much every tense scene.  Here in this trilogy, I'm pretty sure that even though I know how it ends, who lives, who dies... the stuff with Smaug is pretty much going to be the best action intensity we're going to get.  Which is sad, really.

So, now that I've built this movie up, what don't I like about it?  Well, unfortunately, there's a lot here.

Peter Jackson has pretty much waded in the "fan-fiction, fanservice" waters that he's drowning in it.  There's so much there that he decided to add which is unnecessary, and really just like a lot of the last movie was padded, this movie was similarly padded, and yet... even with this padding, Peej decided to cut too much to try to make his crap work.  First off... and this is a big one in my opinion (but sadly not the first big one) they consider these enemies that the Dwarves, and the Elves are fighting Orcs.  When in Tolkein's version of the Hobbits, the Orcs weren't even around save for a mention.  Their true names are goblins.  And even then they don't chase Thorin and Company past the Misty Mountains, where Moria lies.  But, I get it, Peej needed bad guys that would serve as a challenge for the Dwarves.  As if a fuckin' fire-breathing dragon once they get to their destination.  But, I could have let this slide if it weren't for the fact that Azog, the GOBLIN who died many years prior to the book's beginning, is now replaced by Bolg, the GOBLIN... who died many years prior to the book's beginning... for reasons that while explained is bullshit. What the fuck, Peej?

This movie also has the unfortunate curse of having too many contrived sub-plots that at times it loses track of it's main protagonist, for long stretches.  What was supposed to be a Hobbit's view of adventure, often takes a back seat to several subplots that's going on.  To make matters worse, Peej decides that instead of using Bilbo as a means to drive the story forward, he unfortunately uses Bilbo as pretty much a solution to the problems at hand.  And yes, Tolkein uses Bilbo as an answer to the problems, but unlike Peej here, Tolkein kept the focus on Bilbo rather than the other characters.  So, what the fuck, Peej?

Oh, which also reminds me.  I get it, there are thirteen Dwarves, and only so much time to give the Dwarves screen time and something to do.  In the first movie, I pretty much called the Dwarves, Thorin, Balin, and Not ...Thorin and Balin.  In this movie, it's become Thorin, and Kili and ...Not Thorin and Kili.  There's a part in the book when they get to Mirkwood Forest that the Dwarves have to cross a black river, and that if you fall in it, you could fall asleep forever.  There's no way to cross it except by crossing a rope.  Well, the fat Dwarf (Bombur) falls in, and that he sleeps for several days while others had to carry him, and yet, it's no where even mentioned in the movie.  When this is an important subplot in the book.  And I wonder why they chose Kili out of any of the Not Thorin Dwarves to be involved in a romantic triangle subplot that really didn't need to be there with Legolas and Tauriel.  Where the fuck did that even happen in the book, Peej?!  I could have let this slide if it was even in good taste, but no, you had to go Disney on this!  Fuck you and your contrived piece of shit subplot, argh!  What the fuck, Peej?!

And while we're at this particular subplot, there's a point in the movie where Kili gets wounded by an... ugh.. "Orc arrow," and Tauriel has to decide whether to follow Legolas or to heal Kili, with yep Athelas, kingsfoil, the healing herbs that Aragorn used on Frodo in Fellowship of the Rings.  But they never really show the healing process, they never explain how Tauriel knows how to heal people, I'm just starting to think that every elf except for Legolas is a god damn healer.  She can fight, she can arch, she can heal, I bet she always gets the highest DPS, and can serve as an off-tank in raids.  So, what the fuck, Peej?

Okay, this next one is maybe minor in the grand scheme of how contrived and fan-fictiony this movie is... but it bothered me for a long time after seeing this.  We all know that Legolas is pretty much a god of archery.  It's been proven time and time again, so my question is... if he's that god damn good at archery, why didn't he use his bow when he fought against Bolg in Laketown?  I mean, Legolas probably would have killed the guy.  I get it, Bolg is the Bad Trope in this movie, which automatically makes him far more powerful than your average Mook, but Legolas didn't even try to use his bow against him.  I think it would have solidified Bolg as a true threat if he could have dodged some Legolas fired arrows or smacked them away with his weapon, or hell even taken a shot and just got more aggressive... something to that effect.  But no, I guess Legolas just forgot everything he knew about archery and so had to go on his back up plan and use his knives.  Now, don't get me wrong, the fight sequence was good, amazingly good actually, but I would think that Legolas was a Combat Pragmatist.  Then again, this movie at this point's been one disappointment after another missed opportunity.  What the fuck, Peej.

I could go on for a while longer pointing out the things I didn't like about this movie.  And while this movie is a good movie, it just didn't do it for me.  I feel Peej took too many liberties, and added in too much that was stupid, clunky, and just self-serving crap to the fact that he just didn't care, knowing he was going to make money.  I would even dare say that he has become the new George Lucas.  That's the trouble with making prequels, especially on a subject matter like Star Wars, or Tolkein.  It's too late for these franchises, but please... let this serve as a lesson to any film maker who is even thinking about making a prequel to say... Harry Potter, or the Hunger Games, or ... whatever other crap is out there.  It's not too late for these movies.  In closing, I liked this move far better than The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  The Desolation of Smaug is one that I would actually recommend others to go see.  But, I would warn them to pretty much throw any expectations of the movie actually being true and faithful to Tolkein's original works out the window before going to see it.  If you want a 2 hour and 41 minute fast-paced fantasy ride, this is the movie for you.  If you want a 2 hour and 41 minute faithful adaptation of one of the greatest books to ever be written by human hands... I would tell you to move on.  What the fuck, Peej.  What the fuck.

On the next The Infraggable Tony-Reviews, Tony-Man reviews Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.

Tony-Man recounts 2013

Before I start reviewing movies (and I've already got two movies lined up for this blog for 2014), I thought I would sort of recount some of the major events and many minor ones that I should recount.  So, I'm pretty much going to rapid-fire this, so if I seem everywhere... don't think it as me trying to bastardize this important year that I have been through, even though I certainly have the right to do so.  As you may know... all two of you who actually reads this blog, I've decided to write all of my more introspective personal stuff on a different blog, but I won't be sharing it to the masses for some time, if at all, and I'm going to concentrate on just reviews here.  But I'll be reviewing a wider array of things, instead of just movies.  And I'm sure a personal blurb here or there may come up.

So... here we go.  I've been happy, I've been depressed, I've been angry.  I've been disappointed, I've been optimistic, I've destroyed my hopes, and found new ones.  I have soared on the wings of demons, and I have felt the touch of angels.  I've ridden on a black steed into many different lands.  I've waxed poetic, I've burgled, I've romanced, and I've had my heart broken.  I stopped wars, I've appeared as the hope of a child.  I've metaphored, I've similed, I pontificate, I'm quixotic.  I've carried heavy burdens, I've punished myself in the name of my own self-righteous... and I've punished myself in the name of my own imaginary inner demons.  I have been on the top of a mountain, I've been in low, low valleys.  I've persevered in the face of nihilism, and I've laughed for emotional release.  I have bled, I have cried, I have been mortified, I have found new strength.  I have been a boyfriend, been a lover, been a last resort.  I have been a shoulder to cry on, a pillow for others to rest their weary head, I have been public enemy number one.  I have been incarcerated, I have been the caged bird that sings.

I have lost friends to death, to misunderstandings, to pride, to arrogance, to distance, to time, to lack of mutual interests.  I have made myself a hermit, I have been alone in a crowd of friends.  I have cut ties with people both good for my self-esteem at times more often than those who only were there to hurt me.  I've met amazing people, I've loved amazing people.  But I've also hated amazing people, and erased amazing people.  I have broken laws, I have broken people's spirits and confidence.  I have found a decent yet unremarkable job.  I've been a free spirit, a corporate drone, a narc, and I been fond of people and things that t'were it 2012, I might not have been so into.  I've rediscovered my love and passion for writing (even if honestly, I'm not very good at it).  I have been over the seas, and I've been across this country.

I've opened my heart, I've had it stabbed, I've had it replaced, I've had it stepped on.  I know that my future will hold many more of these moments.  I've felt sentimental, I've felt nostalgic, I've also been hated for what I say, what I mean, what I stand for.  I've had friends introduce new lives into this funny little muddle called the world.  I've even slid down a slide with children, and smiled at the innocence of young kids.  I've dealt with my own misgivings, and I've had my first actual date by a person that showed up.

At my core; however, I've lost a lot, as well as gained.  I have almost completely stopped smoking, and the goal is to completely stop.  I've lost the notion that I will be at a place where I could be a good person to a special someone, but I've never lost the idea that I can be a good person to a special someone.  I've lost the idea that I could ever do the right thing when it really matters, but I've gain the idea that this life can and will knock me down, but it is up to me to choose to get back up.  I've lost the spark that I would never compromise the way I live my life, but I've gained the appreciation of adaptability, in order to at least steer my life in a way that I won't completely self-destruct.

I have learned many hard lessons about life, about people, about friends, and about myself.  I've laughed at myself, and been ashamed of myself, and on more occasions than I'd like to admit, I've laughed and been ashamed of myself for the same reasons.  I've walked lines between genius and hypocrisy and insanity.  And I've pushed a life that; quite honestly, hasn't quite begun living yet.

And really... if there's any New Year's "Resolution" that I honestly hope to keep until 2015, it's to finally be able to start to live my life.  More than anything else, that's what I want.  But until then, I'm just going to see how 2014 pans out.  I have a pretty good feeling about this year.  Perhaps it's a little early to say, but I think I'm going to start off the year optimistic for a change.  Stranger things have happened.

Tony-Man and the Changing times

Well, 2013 is nine days from it's retirement, and 2014 is around the corner.  And that means it's time for a change.  Well, not so much of a change, rather than self-promises to finally get around to; and while most of them are really just wishful thinking, and me coming to terms that the dreams in which I have for myself are too great for me, it's way past time that I did something to improve myself in life.

I have decided, once and for all to quit smoking.  Not that, I actually feel a need to quit; but because I can not truly afford to keep the habit.  And well, because... I want to be a good role model for my neice my nephew, and for any younglings who may or may not ever come into my life.  That's not to say, I'm going to shun people who smoke, after all I'm a self-actualized hypocrite, and I get that.

Second, I'm going to make more of a conscious effort to exercise more.  Not that I feel that I'm fat, and slovenly.  In fact, despite my own fat-shaming and moderately poor self-image, I'm slowly beginning to realize that, I don't look bad.  There are even some days when I actually look okay.  And I get the rare compliment from members of the opposite gender.  Of course, sometimes I feel that they're joking, and it reminds me of Middle School and High School, and it causes me not to believe, but... for what it's worth, it brings me a cautious sort of happy.

Third, I am going to look for a better job.  Wal-Mart has really been dicking around with my hours.  And maybe it's just a Christmas thing.  And I get it, a lot of people are getting less hours.  But, I actually work.  Hell, I work more than most people, and yet I get paid the least amount of money.  (I've asked around.)  And yeah, I get it.  Life's not fair, and not everyone is rewarded for the work they do, versus the work others don't do.  But now I'm getting even less hours than before, and I still have huge debts to pay.  And even after those are paid off... I won't have money enough to live on my own.  It's a frustrating venture.

Finally, and this is more for me than anything else.  And it actually closely concerns this blog.  I'm going to be doing far less self-introspective, and more what this blog was really supposed to be in the beginning, and that was to Review movies, games, books, and other nerdly things that I respond to, since I'm part of that nerd culture.  Oh, of course, I'm sure that inner reflection and introspective will come into play, and I'll no doubt have personal things to put in, but I'm going to return this blog back to the way it should have been.

In fact, I've got a few topics in mind.  But I'll share those when I have the mind enough to share them.

As for my introspectives, I'll have them written down in another blog, but let's face it... most of my readers (if any) won't be privvy to it.

And I do have a site where I write poetry and some fiction, which is updated infrequently. 

So, much won't be changed.  Just I will work on me.  And in the end, I and my blog will become a much better product.

Tony-Man vs. Lunchin' with friends

I totally forgot to shout KHAAAAAN!  When I got there.

Okay, so let's get a few things straight before I get into this actually positive outlook on this Review.

- It's strange for me to eat with people.  I haven't done it in forever, so I don't have the "meal time social skills."

- I don't eat out very often, because eating at a place that isn't home usually costs money.

- Asian food rocks.

With that out of the way, this is actually the first time that I'm reviewing an establishment that's main focus is serving food.  And I'll probably try this some more in the future, depending on how things go here.  (You know, provided I have money, or a necessity to eat at a place that isn't home.)  Today  (today being the Friday the 13th of December 2013), I went to the Genghis Grill On Robert C. Daniel Parkway in Augusta, Georgia.  Which seems to be for a lack of actually knowing what it's called, a Stir-fry bar.  I'm guessing it is a relatively new establishment, or I just don't know so many places to eat now, since the last time I went out to eat anywhere was the Hibachi Grill on Augusta West Parkway, on April 18th, 2013 (Which in my mind is a special day, though very esoteric to people who are not me).  So, I came to the Genghis Grill without really any expectation.

I expected with a name like "Genghis Grill," it was going to be an Asian-style restaurant.  And being Asian, I could get behind an idea like that.  I ordered Mandarin Orange Chicken stir-fry and some water.  The service was pretty good, the crowd was somewhat busy, and oh... the company I had were awesome!  But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  Let me back up.

So a few days ago, My friends...

Ashley

Ashley

and Laura

Laura

were talking about doing lunch on Friday.  I actually had nothing to do with this initial part of the conversation.  I think I was at work.  One day, I'm messaged by Ashley saying that the two of them were going to have lunch together and that I should come along.  Because let's face it, I'm awesome.  That's probably not the reason, but I like to live in a world with colors.  Then my best guy friends was asking if we wanted to do something this Friday (today) and so...

John

John... as if you couldn't figure it out.

was invited to come out to lunch with us.

Okay, now that you're caught up, and know who all the players are, I gotta say, I was pretty impressed by the place.  I mean, it didn't feel like an authentic Asian place, but that's actually part of its charm.  I didn't see any Asian cooks, servers, waitresses, hostesses, or... people who eat there (save myself).  But I actually sort of like that.  I didn't see any Chinese New Year place mats, or anything that was even remotely "Genghis-y" but that's cool too.  The food; at least the food that I ordered was delicious.  They give you this pretty large bowl of food to eat, for a reasonable price.  As I said before, I had the Mandarin Chicken Stir-Fry Bowl.  While the food was delicious, if I had one complaint (because I always do, as a critic and review-blogger), it would be that I wish my bowl had a little more Chicken and a little less superfluous stuff.  But as said before, the food was undeniably delicious.  I would recommend it to anyone who is thinking about eating there.

I am sure, that the thing I liked most about being at the Genghis Grill was having my friends there.  I've known John, about 2½ years, I've known Ashley almost 1 year, and I'm only somewhat recently met Laura, so in the grand scheme of the Universe According to Tony-Man, these are people I haven't known very long.  But they're amongst my three favorite people that I know.  So when the four of us finally got to sit and eat and just be ... well, four gamers sitting and eating, it's a special thing to me.  I don't go out and eat much, even rarer when I eat with people.  But it's worth the experience.  Something that someday my notoriously skinny wallet will allow me to do perhaps on an infrequent basis.  I just had a fun time just shooting the shit with my friends.  It brings into perspective that yeah, 2013 has been kinda shitty.  And yes, December has traditionally just been a month over the last thirty years that has put me in a foul mood.  But days like today can teach me that you can't let the demons of your past take possession of you.  And you're a lot better person, in general, with strong friends who are with you.

And maybe it's just the spirit of Genghis KHAAAAAN within me right now, or at least some of his food, but I'm feeling pretty damn good.  I think 2014 will kick so much ass, and I've always got my friends.  The food was good, the service was adequate, my friends always kick my hard times right in its proverbial nutsack... what more could an infraggable Tony-Man need?  Well, except more money, being debt-free, a place of my own to live in, a new engine in my Mustang, and a giant Emperor turtle to be my mobile throne?  Not much, my dear blog readers.  Not much indeed.

Tony-Man Presents: How the Groomp Reviewed Christmas!

Everyone on the internet loved Christmas a lot.
When asked if they loved it, they'd say, "How could we not?"
December's so merry, and so pleasantly cold,
And Christmastime's fun for the young and the old.
Yes, the season seems to make everyone happy.
But the Groomp just thought it was all sorts of crappy.

He hated Christmas; every part of the season.

Please don't ask why, we're not sure of the reason.

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right,

Or perhaps it could be, his shoes were too tight.

(Why... why would shoes affect how I feel about something?  I don't get it.)

But the most likely reason, I should think,

Was the Groomp thought his brain two sizes too big.

But whatever the reason, you'd like to consider junk,

Didn't change the fact he hated this month.

Staring down with his Groompy-groomp frown,

He never got what pleased all the people in town.

"Can't they see," said the Groomp, "That this Holiday is crap?

I'd rather hump a bear while caught in a trap!"

"This greed is atrocious, it's all over this land,

And I know a few people who need a backhand.

The season was religious, but put that out of our thought,
Why now it's as special as a two dollar whore's twat.

It's supposed to be revered; no commercialism we'd require

And who ever told you Santa is real, is a big, fat, fuck liar.

On top of that, we have people pushing Christmas down our throats
Why most of them sound like an irritated, angry goat.

And the more the Groomp thought about how Christmas could sting,

The more the Groomp thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

Why for thirty years, I've put up with it now,

I must stop Christmas from sucking... ...but how?  ...err, I mean in what way?"

But then, the Groomp got an idea, an awful idea

The Groomp got a WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!

"I know what to do," said the Groomp sitting tall.

"If I can't enjoy Christmas, I'll ruin it for them all!

A review of this crapper is just what they need,

I'll set them all straight, my words will take heed!

So come on, ya dickwaffles, let the bashing begin."

"The Christmas season starts on the first of November,

Which makes fifty-five days to force us to remember.

And what do they do to make it drone on for so long?

Those insidious, insipid, irritating Christmas songs.

Who gives a shit about Rudolph, and those corny Christmas elves?

Why I bet right now you're all touching yourselves.

And who cares about Santa, that judgmental fat prick?

Kids will be kids, so go eat a dick.

And what is up when they play those Christmas movies all the time?

It's gotten to the point, I'd be more amused by a French mime.

It's a Wonderful Life?  Please don't make me hurl,

Miracle on 34th Street, I hate that little girl.

The only movie I can tolerate, is The Grinch with Jim Carrey,

But I'm sure you can agree, the Whos were more scary!

I don't like the commercials they play; that's a personal hell.

They're just peddling all of this crap off, you buy what they sell.

Sneakers with lights, Wii U, Xbox One, and the Playstation four

Next year in America, a life-sized Barbie bitch whore!

Hot Wheels, and monster trucks, iPads, and cell phones

Electronic distractions, and loud drums, but never any trombones.

What's wrong with you people?!" The Groomp said, quite crass.

"Employees get fired, and tossed out on their ass!

It's no wonder why many people get depressed this time or about,

Many bad things happen, that they feel there's no out.

People can't visit families, they don't have money for gifts.

Relations become sundered, their lives are like rifts.

So far be it for me to rain on your parade,

Most people aren't as lucky to just have it made.

But the worst reason why I hate Christmas, and take fact.

Is that around this time, I lost brothers and sisters in Iraq.

Maybe it's not fair to blame Christmas on this,

But Christmas time sucks so much it makes me want to piss."

"O ho!" Said the Groomp, uploading his hit.

"They're reading right now, figuring Christmas is shit!

They're reading right now, and I know just what they'll do.

Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two,

Then they'll realize, and they'll cry boo-hoo!

Now those are the reactions I simply must read!

The Groomp went to his social media, in order to see.

But the reactions he got weren't very sad,

Why the reactions he read seemed rather... glad.

They still loved the season from beginning to end

There was no one to anger, upset or offend.

He didn't stop the people from liking it, they loved it.

Somehow or other it was still beloved.

And the Groomp feeling as though he'd been horribly conned

Sat there puzzling, and puzzling, "What the hell's going on?!"

"They like soul-draining Christmas songs!

They like contrived Yule-tide flicks!

They like Commericialism crap,

And the fact that Santa's a prick!"

And he puzzled, and he puzzled, until his puzzler was sore,

That's when the Groomp came up with something he hadn't before.

Just because he hates something, doesn't mean that others should.

He could share, not force his opinion, just like others could.

For it's all these opinions that allow people to grow.

For everyone is different just like every flake of snow.

And different points of view could happen for a reason

To make everyone proper and decent.

"Naaaaahhh, I'm right and everyone else is wrong."

......oh.  Well... fuck you too.