Tony-Man versus January 2014

Her name is January Jones.  Sure it's stretching... but it works

On account that I haven't seen any movies worth reviewing, or done anything else since the last review that seemed necessary, I figure I might as well go ahead and review this muddle of a month known as January 2014.  Because, really... what else do you three readers of my blog really care about?

So, it's no secret to anyone who even remotely knows me, know that December of any year is particularly hard for me.  January, is usually when I get out of my December funk and start acting at my peak best for the year.  But this year, despite all the good things that have happened (and there were a number of them,) has been one of the weirdest and most confusing in a karma sort of way.

I speak a lot about karma in my blog and when I have a mind to talk to people in person about things that bother me.  Which is ironic because I tend not to allow people inside.  Sure most people have a general understanding when I'm doing well and when I'm not.  But perhaps to the fault and ruin of my own, I don't let people into the specifics.  I don't open up and bare myself to people.  And there have been only a handful of people in my life that I've ever trusted, unconditionally.  And by a handful, I mean less than the number of fingers I have on one hand.  Each time I've opened myself, I've found myself burned... scorched.  So, I find a reluctancy to allow people to be close.  I keep friends, acquaintances, even family at arm's distance.  It's kind of what makes it easy for me to push people away, even knowing that the only one I'm really hurting is myself.  Yet, I often do it, perhaps under some misguided pretext that if I hurt myself, no one else can.

So what happens when someone comes along, that I feel like I can open to?  I think the world about them, I let them know, and in turn they more often than not, get to see some of the worst in me.  After a comparatively mild emotional December, I find ways to self-destruct in January.  Usually, these self-destructions are self-containing, and ultimately nothing is learned, and the entire process start over again.  But this time, some good is coming out of it.  At least... some changes I'm making to my life that are in some cases 31 years overdue.

For starters, while this may be the most difficult change for me, I'm going to go completely straight-edge.  No alcohol, no smoking, no drugs, no addictive substances.  Not that I've ever been a heavy drinker, smoker, and I haven't ever done drugs.  [I have tried pot in my younger days, but c'mon, I hardly consider that a "drug."]  But, beer and cigarettes have been in my life for a while.  And I've cut out all of these things, for the most part.  Yes, I have the occasional beer, when I'm feeling it.  But, never again will I ever get stupid drunk, and embarrass myself as I did this month.

Next, I've begun a cleanse diet.  A very strict diet of juices, and very little food.  This is difficult, because I like to eat.  While I don't consider myself fat by any means, in fact, I'm still not over 200 pounds, I don't consider myself in shape, and it's a forced perspective that makes me think that I am bigger than I need to be.  I have low self-image, and it brings my self esteem down.  I often think of myself as a minor character in my own life.  A lot of that is because I have the "Ugly Duckling" syndrome.  I was never the popular kid.  I was a nerd in a time when nerd-dom was still underground, and it was the social butterflies that were good looking, and were athletic, and talented.  And of course that meant that all the other good looking, talented, athletic, social people flocked together.  So, take into account a kid who dressed weird, didn't speak with many people, sat by himself at lunch, and when he did sit with people it was usually because there was no where else to sit, and someone who just didn't conform to the norms... throughout his life, it sucked.  Imagine a kid who didn't have a girlfriend until he was 20 and just fresh in the Army.  But didn't feel like he was decent looking until after he got out of the Army at 27, despite the fact he was engaged to be married at 24... shit fucks with your mind you know.

In retrospect, I probably could have used the above paragraph for a different review.  Meh, missed opportunities.

Anyway, so I'm doing this cleanse diet, and I've already lost about 6 pounds and I'm on the fourth hole of my belt.  So, that's a plus on my side.  Soon (when I get some actual, non-debt money) I'll be doing my weight training.  So, I expect some big change there, soon.  Coupled with straight-edge... I should increase my fitness perhaps back up to my Soldier days, or with any luck, better than that.

Next, I've been applying to every single frickin' company in Augusta I can think of.  I'm just really tired of my soul-sucking part time job at a place where everyone's a frickin' drama-queen, or just plain stupid.  Now, while I admit it makes for some outstanding Tony-Conversations that I've been placing on facebook, I just can't stand being there, making just barely above minimum wage, at about 22 hours a week.  Okay, I know that there are others out there worse off than me.  I know a couple of people who have been fucked out of money owed to them, because of some jag-off who should be in prison, or dead because of the shit's he's pulled.  So, I know that I should just be happy in my cozy little fuck mansion in Dimension X, right?  And yes, I am appreciative of the job I have.  But you might say, that I'm a dreamer, and that I cannot wax happiness with what job I have, with how little I'm making.  I still owe thousands of dollars to various corporations.  I still after all this time, owe my parents money.  I still have aspirations of living by myself.  I still have dreams of my own independence.  I have a few pretty high places looking at me, and each one of them is a stepping stone to get me from where I am, to where I truly want to be.

Thing is, I haven't told anyone where I truly want to be.  See how I don't really open up to people?

So, those are just some changes I'm going through now.  Maybe these things are just exercises in futility, much like a lot of things that happened in my life, but then again, perhaps this is finally the small pebble roll that starts the landslide of my roaring 30's.  All I know is that my impressionable teens are long since gone, and my irresponsible 20s are becoming a faded memory.  I'm 31 years old, and what exactly have I done with myself?  A brief stint in the Army, and a haircut every so often.

January 2014 started off with high hopes, then it wavered rather quickly, and then the bottom fell out again, and now... it's retrospective and hopeful again.  I don't know if I can handle this emotional rollercoaster that's been mostly in my own head anymore.  What I do know is that despite me being my own worst enemy, and one that's dogged and relentless... I'm a pretty fortunate guy, who forgets that there are moments when he's just fucking awesome.

When he's not being a self-praising dickwaffle.

...it takes all kinds.