So, I'm sure this post will end up being controversial for the parties involved, and maybe I deserve my lot in life, but I am completely unhappy with a lot of things. I don't know what's going on with my own life. I find myself just sort of coasting through life, and more often than not... I find that I'm self-defeating.
I'm confused about life. I'm confused about people. I wonder about things these days. Not long ago, I wrote a blog about how I was in a relationship with someone that I actually liked. And now, I'm not even sure if she considers me a friend, or if I'm some annoying nuisance. The thing is that we haven't really spoken in two or three weeks. And we haven't seen each other in about that long. I don't understand it. Okay, I get maybe not speaking or seeing each other for a day, or maybe even two. Life's busy, and shit happens. I understand that. What I don't understand is why we haven't done anything. Maybe I assumed too much between the two of us. I tend to do that.
I don't know how to relate to anyone except passionately, with my heart on my sleeve. I don't believe in one-sided relating. I don't believe in putting myself out there and then feeling like I'm being tugged around. And it always happens. I would think that after so many years of disappointment, I would learn that I am not meant to find happiness, or hell even a distraction from my life. No... no... I just barrel into life with little understanding of it. And because of it, I'm always scorched. And the fuck of it is that I really should know better.
I don't know. These days, I feel like I'm losing my already tenuous grip on reality. And maybe I'm just finding substance in things and people that just simply doesn't exist. And maybe I just have to face the reality that I will never be anything but cheating myself out of anything that I want in life. Perhaps that's the lesson my life is meant to teach to a blind and deaf audience. And I'm sure that's something I won't pass down to a generation that doesn't exist not in this world of men.
