A Tony-Man retrospective - Gargamel, the Godfather of Goth culture

Drat, Drat, and double drat!

Everyone knows Gargamel - or they should. This plucky fellow was the bane to all Smurfs. His only desire was the capture the Smurfs in his nefarious plot of the week. But has anyone really thought about Gargamel, the Man? Has anyone considered Gargamel's past, his possible motives, or the evidence of his deep emotional disturbance?

Gargamel spent every waking moment of his life pursuing the Smurfs. Ordinarily, if a man chased little blue men all week long, he'd be locked away. Luckily, as we can tell by the architecture of his home, Gargamel lived in the dark ages, when chasing woodland creatures for nefarious purposes was a time-honored tradition, along with bathing in urine, locking up women during menstruation, worshipping graven images, and beating up old people with long wooden poles. No one questioned a bald guy in a black nightgown who chased little men all the live-long day.

And let's talk about Gargamel's fashion sense, shall we? I think modern Goth culture owes a lot to Gargamel. The Smurfs hit the cartoon scene in 1981, just a year after The Cure's "Boys Don't Cry", but two years before Ministry or The Smiths debuted. Let's evaluate Gargamel's other Goth traits:

Gargamel lived alone with his cat

His cat was named "Azrael", after the angel of death. "Azrael" is quite possibly the most cliche Goth name ever.

Gargamel's own name is possibly a corruption of 'Gagiel', the angel of fish. Although a poor choice, it is still a very Goth thing to do. And it's better than "Drax, the Everliving".

Gargamel only wore black.

Gargamel's most hated enemies were folks who lived happy, carefree lives.

Gargamel used the word "wretched" like it was going out of style. He also overused the words "miserable" and "drat".

Gargamel's only female friend was a fat chick who constantly verbally abused him.

Gargamel's motions chasing after the Smurfs are not that far off from Goths dancing. Watch the reruns - trust me.

Gargamel at Goth Night?

More importantly, Gargamel represents the inner pain and struggle in all of us against the relentless forces that cause us to suffer. When Gargamel has the Smurfs in his clutches, only to have them escape, embarrassing him in the process, we all see our own dreams escaping from us. But we don't bang our heads off of trees as often as Gargamel does. And, again, our dreams don't employ woodland friends, like rabbits and deer, to thwart us.

No one need question Gargamel's motives. Obviously poverty-stricken (notice the patches on his clothes), and perhaps a war veteran (he did know how to make explosives out of common household items), Gargamel's poor appearance and male-pattern baldness created a romantic rift in his life. Sexually frustrated and living alone in a shack (much like the Unabomber), Gargamel was striking out at his own personal demons - little blue creatures, two apples tall, who enjoyed singing and wore only pants and hats. We all have to fight our own demons. We hope that they don't live in mushroom houses, but occasionally, they do.

Gargamel seemed extremely intelligent on the surface - a complex vocabulary, a knowledge of alchemy, and a seemingly infinite knowledge of the arcane. However, there are slight flaws that show us he lacked in the common sense department. For instance, why did he always wear that dress if he knew he was going to be chasing Smurfs all the time? It doesn't look like that outfit gave his legs a lot of room to run.

Furthermore, Gargamel should have realized that targeting Smurfette was the key to getting the Smurfs. If Smurfette were re-captured (recall that Gargamel created Smurfette to trick the sexually-deprived Smurfs), every Smurf in the village would go searching for her - or as they say in Smurf, "Go lookin' fo' dey ho". If Gargamel could capture Smurfette, then he would control the means of production - he could (theoretically) breed Smurfs.

(Of course, the breeding habits of Smurfs remain a mystery. We are never told where Smurfs come from or, more importantly, why they all call the guy in red "Papa".)

With the power of Smurf breeding (which I honestly hope will be a technological development in the next version of Civilization), Gargamel could make a commercial empire based on the Smurfs - just like Hanna-Barbera did in the 1980's. Unfortunately, Gargamel lacked the chutzpah and motivation that was so necessary to succeed in the harsh business climate of the 11th century.

There is an important lesson to learn from Gargamel - keep your mind on your goal. Gargamel could never seem to decide if he wanted to eat the Smurfs, turn them into gold, use them in some bizarre arcane ritual, or pose them playing pool and laquer them. Because Gargamel never stuck to his goals, he was doomed to failure. So remember, kids, put your goals down in ink, and don't stray from the path.

And if you see little blue men, for God's sakes, just leave them alone.