Thursday, December 5, 2013

Tony-Man Presents: How the Groomp Reviewed Christmas!

Everyone on the internet loved Christmas a lot.
When asked if they loved it, they'd say, "How could we not?"
December's so merry, and so pleasantly cold,
And Christmastime's fun for the young and the old.
Yes, the season seems to make everyone happy.
But the Groomp just thought it was all sorts of crappy.






He hated Christmas; every part of the season.
Please don't ask why, we're not sure of the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right,
Or perhaps it could be, his shoes were too tight.
(Why... why would shoes affect how I feel about something?  I don't get it.)
But the most likely reason, I should think,
Was the Groomp thought his brain two sizes too big.
But whatever the reason, you'd like to consider junk,
Didn't change the fact he hated this month.
Staring down with his Groompy-groomp frown,
He never got what pleased all the people in town.
"Can't they see," said the Groomp, "That this Holiday is crap?
I'd rather hump a bear while caught in a trap!"

"This greed is atrocious, it's all over this land,
And I know a few people who need a backhand.
The season was religious, but put that out of our thought,
Why now it's as special as a two dollar whore's twat.
It's supposed to be revered; no commercialism we'd require
And who ever told you Santa is real, is a big, fat, fuck liar.
On top of that, we have people pushing Christmas down our throats
Why most of them sound like an irritated, angry goat.

And the more the Groomp thought about how Christmas could sting,
The more the Groomp thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
Why for thirty years, I've put up with it now,
I must stop Christmas from sucking... ...but how?  ...err, I mean in what way?"
But then, the Groomp got an idea, an awful idea
The Groomp got a WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!




"I know what to do," said the Groomp sitting tall.
"If I can't enjoy Christmas, I'll ruin it for them all!
A review of this crapper is just what they need,
I'll set them all straight, my words will take heed!
So come on, ya dickwaffles, let the bashing begin."

"The Christmas season starts on the first of November,
Which makes fifty-five days to force us to remember.
And what do they do to make it drone on for so long?
Those insidious, insipid, irritating Christmas songs.
Who gives a shit about Rudolph, and those corny Christmas elves?
Why I bet right now you're all touching yourselves.
And who cares about Santa, that judgmental fat prick?
Kids will be kids, so go eat a dick.

And what is up when they play those Christmas movies all the time?
It's gotten to the point, I'd be more amused by a French mime.
It's a Wonderful Life?  Please don't make me hurl,
Miracle on 34th Street, I hate that little girl.
The only movie I can tolerate, is The Grinch with Jim Carrey,
But I'm sure you can agree, the Whos were more scary!

I don't like the commercials they play; that's a personal hell.
They're just peddling all of this crap off, you buy what they sell.
Sneakers with lights, Wii U, Xbox One, and the Playstation four
Next year in America, a life-sized Barbie bitch whore!
Hot Wheels, and monster trucks, iPads, and cell phones
Electronic distractions, and loud drums, but never any trombones.

What's wrong with you people?!" The Groomp said, quite crass.
"Employees get fired, and tossed out on their ass!
It's no wonder why many people get depressed this time or about,
Many bad things happen, that they feel there's no out.
People can't visit families, they don't have money for gifts.
Relations become sundered, their lives are like rifts.

So far be it for me to rain on your parade,
Most people aren't as lucky to just have it made.
But the worst reason why I hate Christmas, and take fact.
Is that around this time, I lost brothers and sisters in Iraq.
Maybe it's not fair to blame Christmas on this,
But Christmas time sucks so much it makes me want to piss."

"O ho!" Said the Groomp, uploading his hit.
"They're reading right now, figuring Christmas is shit!
They're reading right now, and I know just what they'll do.
Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two,
Then they'll realize, and they'll cry boo-hoo!
Now those are the reactions I simply must read!
The Groomp went to his social media, in order to see.

But the reactions he got weren't very sad,
Why the reactions he read seemed rather... glad.
They still loved the season from beginning to end
There was no one to anger, upset or offend.
He didn't stop the people from liking it, they loved it.
Somehow or other it was still beloved.
And the Groomp feeling as though he'd been horribly conned
Sat there puzzling, and puzzling, "What the hell's going on?!"

"They like soul-draining Christmas songs!
They like contrived Yule-tide flicks!
They like Commericialism crap,
And the fact that Santa's a prick!"



And he puzzled, and he puzzled, until his puzzler was sore,
That's when the Groomp came up with something he hadn't before.
Just because he hates something, doesn't mean that others should.
He could share, not force his opinion, just like others could.
For it's all these opinions that allow people to grow.
For everyone is different just like every flake of snow.
And different points of view could happen for a reason
To make everyone proper and decent.
"Naaaaahhh, I'm right and everyone else is wrong."





......oh.  Well... fuck you too.  
 

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