When asked if they loved it, they'd say, "How could we not?"
December's so merry, and so pleasantly cold,
And Christmastime's fun for the young and the old.
Yes, the season seems to make everyone happy.
But the Groomp just thought it was all sorts of crappy.
He hated Christmas; every part of
the season.
Please don't ask why, we're not sure
of the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't
screwed on just right,
Or perhaps it could be, his shoes
were too tight.
(Why... why would shoes
affect how I feel about something? I don't get it.)
But the most likely
reason, I should think,
Was the Groomp thought
his brain two sizes too big.
But whatever the reason,
you'd like to consider junk,
Didn't change the fact
he hated this month.
Staring down with his
Groompy-groomp frown,
He never got what
pleased all the people in town.
"Can't they
see," said the Groomp, "That this Holiday is crap?
I'd rather hump a bear
while caught in a trap!"
"This greed is
atrocious, it's all over this land,
And I know a few people
who need a backhand.
The season was religious,
but put that out of our thought,
Why now it's as special as a two dollar whore's twat.
Why now it's as special as a two dollar whore's twat.
It's supposed to be
revered; no commercialism we'd require
And who ever told you
Santa is real, is a big, fat, fuck liar.
On top of that, we have
people pushing Christmas down our throats
Why most of them sound like an irritated, angry goat.
Why most of them sound like an irritated, angry goat.
And the more the Groomp
thought about how Christmas could sting,
The more the Groomp
thought, "I must stop this
whole thing!
Why for thirty years, I've
put up with it now,
I must stop Christmas from
sucking... ...but how? ...err, I mean in what way?"
But then, the Groomp got
an idea, an awful idea
The Groomp got a
WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!
"I know what to
do," said the Groomp sitting
tall.
"If I can't enjoy
Christmas, I'll ruin it for them all!
A review of this crapper
is just what they need,
I'll set them all
straight, my words will take heed!
So come on, ya
dickwaffles, let the bashing begin."
"The Christmas season
starts on the first of November,
Which makes fifty-five
days to force us to remember.
And what do they do to
make it drone on for so long?
Those insidious, insipid,
irritating Christmas songs.
Who gives a shit about
Rudolph, and those corny Christmas elves?
Why I bet right now you're
all touching yourselves.
And who cares about Santa,
that judgmental fat prick?
Kids will be kids, so go
eat a dick.
And what is up when they
play those Christmas movies all the time?
It's gotten to the point,
I'd be more amused by a French mime.
It's a Wonderful
Life? Please don't make me hurl,
Miracle on 34th Street, I
hate that little girl.
The only movie I can
tolerate, is The Grinch with Jim Carrey,
But I'm sure you can
agree, the Whos were more scary!
I don't like the
commercials they play; that's a personal hell.
They're just peddling all
of this crap off, you buy what they sell.
Sneakers with lights, Wii
U, Xbox One, and the Playstation four
Next year in America, a
life-sized Barbie bitch whore!
Hot Wheels, and monster
trucks, iPads, and cell phones
Electronic distractions,
and loud drums, but never any trombones.
What's wrong with you
people?!" The Groomp said, quite
crass.
"Employees get fired,
and tossed out on their ass!
It's no wonder why many
people get depressed this time or about,
Many bad things happen,
that they feel there's no out.
People can't visit families,
they don't have money for gifts.
Relations become sundered,
their lives are like rifts.
So far be it for me to
rain on your parade,
Most people aren't as
lucky to just have it made.
But the worst reason why I
hate Christmas, and take fact.
Is that around this time,
I lost brothers and sisters in Iraq.
Maybe it's not fair to
blame Christmas on this,
But Christmas time sucks
so much it makes me want to piss."
"O ho!" Said the Groomp, uploading his hit.
"They're reading
right now, figuring Christmas is shit!
They're reading right now,
and I know just what they'll do.
Their mouths will hang
open for a moment or two,
Then they'll realize, and
they'll cry boo-hoo!
Now those are the
reactions I simply must read!
The Groomp went to his
social media, in order to see.
But the reactions he got
weren't very sad,
Why the reactions he
read seemed rather... glad.
They still loved the
season from beginning to end
There was no one to
anger, upset or offend.
He didn't stop the
people from liking it, they loved it.
Somehow or other it was still beloved.
And the Groomp feeling
as though he'd been horribly conned
Sat there puzzling, and
puzzling, "What the hell's
going on?!"
"They like
soul-draining Christmas songs!
They like contrived
Yule-tide flicks!
They like Commericialism
crap,
And the fact that Santa's
a prick!"
And he puzzled, and he
puzzled, until his puzzler was sore,
That's when the Groomp
came up with something he hadn't before.
Just because he hates
something, doesn't mean that others should.
He could share, not
force his opinion, just like others could.
For it's all these
opinions that allow people to grow.
For everyone is
different just like every flake of snow.
And different points of
view could happen for a reason
To make everyone proper
and decent.
"Naaaaahhh, I'm right
and everyone else is wrong."
......oh. Well...
fuck you too.
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