Tony-Man's 4000th page view-maganza!

Happy 4000th pageviews!  ...I'm closing the site down until further notice.

Without material, there's no motivation, without motivation, there is no desire, without desire, there's no passion... without passion, there's no material.

Tony-Man vs Lady Thor

A Lady Thor?!  That's unpossible!

It was announced on the view that the Marvel mainstay and icon known as Thor is going through some major changes.  And one such major change is that he, is no longer a he.  But rather a She.  There is of course a lot of controversy over this change, and while I can certainly understand on a purist level that this can be unsettling, or even maddening, my question is really, "what took them so long?"  Let's think about this from a comic book standpoint.  Spider-Man has both a Spider-Woman and a Spider-Girl, Iron Man has Rescue, Hulk has She-Hulk, Batman has Batgirl, Superman as Supergirl, Magneto has Polaris, and there are many different examples both in the Marvel Universe, and in the DC universe.  And while yes many of these female characters originally started off as their male counterpart's female doppelgangers and little more, most of these characters have evolved into their own unique entity and have become rather successful.  (I mean Hell... even Deadpool got a Lady Deadpool.  Go figure that shit out.)

I want to make something clear.  I am not a big Thor fan.  I don't have any especial dislike for him.  He's powerful, he's inspiring, he can do many amazing things easily.  He's arrogant, he obviously has a swagger about him, he's faced many impossible odds and has come out on top, but in my opinion... he's simply just not all that interesting of a character.  I think a lot of the reason why I simply just don't think he's all that interesting, is because of the way he looks and the way he comes across.  But now that I know that all of this is going to be put inside of a female shell, well it opens up new possibilities.

Just how will a female be able to use the power of Thor?  How will she cope with the struggle that many superheroes have to cope with, when she has to choose between humanity and godhood?  How will she view her former self once she has attained the power of Thor?

"But Tony-Man, the inscription of the head of Mjolnir clearly states Whoever holds this hammer if HE be worthy, shall possess the power of... THOR."

See?  Told ya.

So, okay.  Yes, I will not deny the fact that on the hammer of a Norse weapon, English words are written which seems to point to the fact that only men can be worthy.  And if we lived in a world where there was no gray area, I'd be inclined to agree.  And yes, there was the time when Jane Foster held the hammer and became worthy and changed into Thordis... which at the time I felt was novelty gimmicks and lazy writing... but when thinking about it now in a retrospect, while the events that occurred during the whole Thordis saga, if it could really be called that... I had to refer back to the evolution of the English language.

I don't know much about other languages or how the words in such languages coincide with one another, but over the course of the English language, especially with pronouns, masculine pronouns have usually always described people or things in general whether they were masculine in nature or not.  As society became lazier, masculine pronouns have all but lost their masculinity for something a bit more gender-neutral.  After all typing or even saying "his or her" just feels cumbersome and it muddles up the flow of conversation or written script.  Over time, "he" simply became an acceptable convention when referring to an unknown person, while "his" became an acceptable convention for describing an unknown person's belonging.

Which brings us back to a Lady Thor.  Does Thor really need a lady counterpart?  Not really... It is going to be interesting to see what will happen, because unlike Batgirl, Rescue, Polaris, and Spider-Girl and the other female counterparts.  I'm working on the assumption that this particular Lady Thor is not a separate entity from Man Thor... but Lady Thor is going to BE Thor ...as a lady.  With lady parts and everything.  All I know is that if Lady Thor becomes enamored by a Jim Foster, or something like that, I'm going to throw the bullshit card out there.

As I said before, I'm not particularly a Thor fan, but the prospect of a Lady Thor (or whatever they're going to call her) is an intriguing and fascinating one, and one that I certainly hope pans well for the Thor galaxy in the Marvel Universe.  Me?  I'mma stick with my Lady Deadpool, Atcha cha cha cha!

Tony-Man plays One Night Ultimate Werewolf

I hope I don't get a werewolf... Arooooo!

It feels like forever since I've done an actual review on something that I actually like!  And while I know people have been asking, "Where's the July 4th editorial?"  Here's what I have to say on that.  Fuck the July 4th editorial!  I don't like the fireworks, I don't like the obligatory cookouts and our inflated sense of bullshit entitlement, I don't like the noise.  I do like the freedom, and the day off from work.  The End.

But, on July 4th, I did get to play a game that I actually really enjoy.  But before I go on, let me tell you some things about me.  I am a gamer.  But most people when they think of the word "gamer" they have a tendency to limit themselves to video games.  Now, in a way, that is part of what being a gamer is... is playing video games.  But the entirety of gaming is memory games, its board games, its video games, its computer games, its gaming when you have no games in which to game with.  The thing I like about board games, role-playing games, and other such games as these that video games typically do not have, is a physical social interaction with other people.  That's where board games and role-playing games have a distinct advantage over video games.

One of my more favorite games that I've been hearing about and reading about before finally getting to play is a game called One Night Ultimate Werewolf.  The concept is pretty simple to understand.  Every player is dealt a role card that they should only look at once.  For those who were dealt a werewolf role, the object of the game is not to be killed.  For those who drew a villager, the object of the game is to kill at least one of the two werewolves.  Sounds easy enough, hmm?  Well... there are a few twists to the game that makes it more interesting.

There are some villagers who get to do special things.  For example, the Seer when prompted is allowed to look at one player's card, or two cards from the center pile.  The Troublemaker can exchange two other player's cards.  The Hunter can choose to kill any player he wishes if he is the one killed.  The Minion serves as a distraction for the werewolves, and will win if the minion is killed and both werewolves survive.  There are a couple other cards that have different roles, and other instructions, but you get the idea.

Gameplay is very simple and you can learn how to play the game by the first or second time you play.  If you download the app, it will walk you through everything.  The game plays in three phases: Sleep phase, Suspicion phase, and Kill phase.  The game plays anywhere from 3-10 people, and this is a game where the more people there are, the more fun you can potentially have.  When I played the game, there were three people and from there we had fun, but we all agreed that more people would have made the game better.

The Sleep phase is the simplest phase in the game, especially if you have the app downloaded.  The Sleep phase consists of two parts, which are knowing your role and closing your eyes.  Each player is dealt out a card that has the particular role on it that the player assumes.  When prompted to close your eyes, each player closes their eyes.  Then prompts will go out to those who have drawn the werewolves, and the special villagers.  Once every player with a special role has gone, you will be prompted to open their eyes and the Sleep Phase is complete.

The Suspicion Phase comes next.  In this phase, all the players have a total of up to 10 minutes to try to figure out which player, or players are the werewolves.  Of course, the werewolves have up to 10 minutes to try not to be caught.  In this phase, the players can talk to the other players, try to figure out which roles have been dealt out, or even try to figure out if there even are any werewolves within the bunch.  This is the most fun part of the game and can lead to pretty interesting rationalizations, accusations, and psychological mind-fucks.  At the end of 10 minutes, or when all players are ready to vote, the Suspicion Phase is complete.

The last phase is the Kill phase.  After the Suspicion phase all players get to vote on who they think is the werewolf.  In the event of a tie, all players involved in the tie are considered to be killed.  In which case all players involved in the tie must reveal their card to figure out if they have killed the werewolf.  If at least one werewolf was killed, the villagers win.  If no werewolf was killed, the werewolves win.

One Night Ultimate Werewolf is a fun game that's also reasonably simple, but that's the beauty of it.  I encourage anyone who like bigger games but also short games such as this to play it at least once.  I know that I intend to play it more than once, hopefully with a bigger crowd.  Aroooooooo!

Tony-Man vs Gay Pride

Gay Pride Parade, Chicago, 2012

Before reading this blog, some of the comments, and sentences that are written below may be considered off-putting, and could inadvertently offend some friends of mine.  However, it is not my intent to offend anyone whether straight or gay.  If you are one such that offends easily, well you probably wouldn't be reading anything I write anyway, but I would advise not to read this particular post.

With that out of the way, let's get this trainwreck a'rollin.  I personally don't understand the LGBT community as a whole.  I don't really understand the need for parades, I don't understand why in the last fifteen to twenty years, gay people in general have been really all "in your face" about their homosexuality.  I don't really understand why gay people feel like they have a sense of entitlement.  Now, to be fair, I don't really understand why racists, atheists, Christians, feminists, or really most people who belong in certain religious or political groups feel they have a sense of entitlement either... but I've already looked under those rocks in the past.

Don't get me wrong.  I have no complaints on gay individuals, but in the interest of full disclosure, I was raised Southern Baptist.  I was taught that homosexuality is a sin, and that I should not associate with homosexuals.  And for a long time, I agreed with my Southern Baptist upbringing because one, at the time I didn't know any better, two; it made sense to me, because marriage at the time was to be a covenant between a man and a woman, it seems more natural.  Now that I'm older, and the nation is evolving, I've realized that gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, whatever... in the end we're all human beings.  I even have my share of gay friends and acquaintances since I decided that the narrow-minded stance of a 1990s Southern Baptist Church agenda probably wasn't the moral compass that I need to have in my life.  So, while I support the rights of the LGBT Community, and I'd like for them to get married, and I like for them to be treated as equals, I still don't get the parades, and the flamboyancy, and the rainbows, and some of the little nuances of Gay Pride itself.  I suppose I could blame it on the church and its indoctrination, but when it all comes down to it, I have to confess it on my own ignorance.

Flash forward to 2014, here I am, asking similar questions about why racism still exists, why poverty still exists, why the need to fight for animal rights, and why feminism still exists.  And while all of these things are unrelated to each other in many respects, each of these things really comes down to social incongruity.  For so long, we've accepted our social barriers because we haven't known any better.  Finally a group of people decided that something's not right with our society, and then take up a cause to fix things.  Sometimes, they are successful, and sometimes that which they set out to fix becomes counter-productive and end up making things worse.  Gay rights so far is on the right path to getting the equality that they feel they should have, and I personally agree that all people in America, and by extension all over the world should be treated equally and fairly.  But what happens if the fight doesn't end?  What happens if the rights of all Americans are trampled on in the name of equality?  Not to say that it's going to happen, I don't think the fight for gay equality is going to take that turn, but what if it does?

Maybe, that's just outside thinking.  But I wonder if anyone else has thought of it.  Getting back to my ignorance, I don't understand the myriad of gay people I guess... it's really less about the symbolism of gay pride and the LGBT, and more about the people.  For example, I have three people in the pod where I work who are gay.  All three of them are openly gay, and don't care if people know it.  But they don't act in a manner that's flamboyant.  They don't straight-bash, and they don't act in an overgeneralized gay way.  (Yes, I realize that there was really no way to describe them without being somewhat offensive, but if you thought that was bad...)  On the other side of it, I have several facebook friends who all they post is anti-straight posts, and just how incredibly gay they are, and they post up pictures of gay people in sexual/sensual positions, and they have no substance to their facebooks other than to reinforce how gay they are.  When I meet some of these people in real life, they are a walking personification about why I don't understand the LGBT community, and how off-putting they can be.  And maybe that's what I don't get.  And every time I speak with one of them, it's clear that I'm being judged for my ignorance, just as they're being judged for their hate of the straight person.

I suppose that my ignorance and my judgement can be called into question, but still... am I wrong for not understanding all the stuff that comes with gay pride?  Probably, and if so I can publicly acknowledge that while I support its agenda, I can support the struggle that they go through, I can support my gay and lesbian, and bisexual friends.  I just don't really understand the rainbows, and the flamboyancy, and the community as a whole.

So, yeah.  That's my take on that, Next time on the Infraggable Tony-Reviews, something perhaps a little less political, and... judgmental?  Sure, why not.

Tony-Man's Tribute to Casey Kasem

Zoinks! He's like the voice of the top 40 countdown!

Kemal Amin "Casey" Kasem (April 27, 1932 - July 15, 2014) was an American disc jokey, music historian, voice actor, actor, and was a genuinely good guy.  While he was probably best known for several radio shows, most notably the American Top 40, from 1970 until his retirement in 2009, he was also widely known as the voice of Norville "Shaggy" Rodgers of the Scooby-Doo franchise from 1969 to 1997 and again from 2002 to 2009.  Along side this, he provided the voice in many commercials, and had been several voices on Sesame Street. 

In 1971, he voiced Peter Cottontailin the Rankin/Bass production of "Here Comes Peter Cottontail."  He also voiced Robin from 1973 to 1985 oft he SuperFriends, and in 1980, he voiced Merry in "The Return of the King" animated movie.  He also voiced Alexander Cabot III in "Josie and the Pussycats"and "Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space."

Kasem was a devoted vegan, supporter of animal rights, and was a critic of factory farming.  He quit the role of Shaggy in 1995 when he was asked to voice Shaggy in a Burger King commercial.  He returned in 2002 when he negotiated to have Shaggy become a vegetarian.

Like most people in America, Casey Kasem had a hand in helping to shape my musical tastes.  Every week whenever I could, I would listen to the radio and listen to the American top 40, and I would always listen to his very recognizable, "guy next door" voice.  He wasn't exactly what I suppose we would consider a radio voice, but he was always pleasant, upbeat, and always had a charming demeanor.  He has also voiced one of the most beloved and long lasting characters in television history.  Casey Kasem was in my opinion truly one of America's treasures, and a hole has been left in his untimely death.  He was a man who despite his message of keep reaching for the stars, was very down to earth.  That was the sort of man I felt he was.

It's clear that Casey Kasem touched a lot of people's lives over the years, and inspired many of them to chase their dreams, and to be what they are destined to be.  As for me, I remember this man I never truly knew, and can't help but wonder what this world could be like if he hadn't graced it.

A Tribute to Bob Hoskins

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way

Robert William "Bob" Hoskins (26 September 1942 - 29 April 2014) was an English actor known for playing Cockneys and gangsters.  He appeared and starred in movies and plays, and is best known for The Long Good Friday (1980), Mona Lisa (1986), Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988), Hook (1991), Super Mario Brothers (1993), Nixon (1995), A Christmas Carol (2009), Neverland (2011), and his final role, Snow White and the Huntsman (2012).

I never knew this man personally, I don't really know what his politics are, or what his religion was.  I don't even know whether or not he was a good man in life.  What I do know was that this gruff Englishman has a place in my heart for some of his more well-known roles he did.  He was Eddie Valiant in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, a man whose brother had been killed by a cartoon.  I remember that he was a gruff, and straight arrow in this movie.  A victim of circumstance.  A great performance, and certainly one that he should be proud of. 

I watched Hook for the first time in 1991, and I remember that while the movie itself was kind of so-so, Bob Hoskins and Dustin Hoffman had great chemistry together as Captain Hook and Mr. Smee.  The rest of the movie was a little bland, but watching Mr. Smee made it work.

In 1993, I watched the Super Mario Brothers Movie.  In a 2007 interview, Bob admitted that this movie was the worst thing he had ever done.  And while I agree with you there Bob, since the movie was rather shitty, It has gathered a cult following, and there have been way worse movies out there, since 1993.

Bob died of pneumonia on April 29, 2014.  He had retired from acting in 2012.  I still remember all the laughs, and the groans that your performances have given.  I have seen your best stuff, I have seen your worst.  I know that you have struggled, and you have clawed to get every ounce of respect that you have earned, and deserved.

So, Eddie Valiant, Mr. Smee, Mario Mario, and to all of your other memorable characters... thank you for all that you have given us.  You have been an inspiration to so many people.

Tony-Man and the Stick of Truth

So, it's time for the long awaited review of South Park: The Stick of Truth, but before I do, I do want to caveat a few things, as I normally do.

I've been an on-and-off fan of South Park.  I haven't seen every episode, and in fact, out of all of my friends, I've probably seen the least amount of episodes.  I do plan to rectify this, after playing and beating this game but as of now, I've probably only seen maybe 30 episodes of South Park, if even that many.

[Warning:  The following review contains minor spoilers.  Do not read ahead if you are playing this game, and/or plan to play, if you don't want to be spoiled.]

So what makes this game so awesome in my opinion?  The fact that it is a South Park Game, fashioned after older JRPGs is one thing.  But the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone had direct creative license in order to make the game look and feel as authentic to the South Park mythology as possible really blows me away.  It's like you are almost in a South Park Episode in many ways.

So, you play as a new kid, a silent protagonist known as the New Kid.  The arrival of the New Kid, sets off a prophecy in a LARP game similar to Dungeons and Dragons.  Almost as soon as the game starts, you help Butters "the Merciful" against a Drow Elf kid, and from there the adventure begins.  You are then introduced to the Grand Wizard Cartman, who tells you that the Humans of Kupa Keep, have in possession, the Stick of Truth, and that whoever controls the stick controls the universe.  The Drow Elves attack the humans of Kupa Keep, and they steal the Stick of Truth, and it is up to the New Kid, also known as Douchebag to return it.  And from there your destiny awaits you.

The battle system is pretty easy to learn, the tutorial fights are pretty entertaining, and learning magic is hilarious.  There is great humor in this game, and it's pretty much everything you expect from a South Park entity.  But the game play is rather smooth, and I find it to be a very legitimate RPG.  You get to fight alongside your favorite characters, like Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Butters, and Jimmy.  There are a lot of references to old South Park episodes, The South Park Movie, and even a couple of references to Baseketball and Team America, if you know where to look for them.  I mean, there is a lot of nostalgia when you play this game, especially if your a South Park aficionado.  Even Chef makes an appearance, but you'll have to know where to go in order to find him.

This game is awesome; however, if there was one complaint that I have (and let's face it as a reviewer, I'm always going to have at least one complaint,) it's that the game is a little on the short side.  And while yes, there are like 20 different side quests you can go on... the main quest line feels a little short.  Don't get me wrong, the game is awesome.  It's one of the best games I've played in some time, it just feels a little short to me.  I don't expect a whole Final Fantasy 50 hour game or anything like that, maybe I'm just spoiled by games like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy that offers at least 20 hours of game time.  Still, if you decide you want to be a 100% completionist, this game has a lot of side stuff to do, and will keep you entertained.  I'm personally working on my second play through and I'm about 50% complete with everything (not including achievements for the XBox 360 version).

I frickin' love this game.  On a scale of one to Super Mega Awesome, I'm willing to give this game a Super Awesome.  It is that good, in my opinion.

Well, until next time, I have no idea what I'm going to review next, but it'll be a good one.

The Infraggable Tony-Review 3000 viewervaganza-palooza!

I honestly can't believe that there have been more than 3,000 views of this rinky-dink little blog of mine.  Thank you so very much for indulging me in this funny little muddle known as my review page.  So, allow me to provide just some introspective on my life as it stands now.

First, I guess I never expected myself to climb out of the hole I made for myself because of some really idiotic choices I've made in my past.  I never thought I'd find a job that's worth getting up for and working.  For the two or three of you who don't know, I've started working at T-Mobile, and there I'm making more money than I've made anywhere else (except for when I was Iraq and Afghanistan), and it's really helping me out with getting out of my debts.  In the short time I've been with T-Mobile, I've already paid off my 1300$ Verizon bill... which was a bullshit bill, but that's a story for some other time.  I still owe the IRS about $1250, but I sent in my tax return, so that should lessen that debt substantially.  And I still owe my old apartment complex some money for having to break my lease... but that's the debt I'm going to pay off last.  Still, all things considered, I could be doing much worse for myself.

I've finally achieved my goal of moving out of my parents place, and I'm now living in this pretty sweet condo by myself.  It has two bedrooms, two baths, a fully functioning kitchen.  A washer and a dryer, a serviceable dining area (which could benefit from a dining room table and chairs) and a relatively nice balcony.  A couple of friends of mine helped me move in last Sunday, and while it doesn't quite feel like a home yet, it is my place.  I have a place to rest my head, and a place to play my XBox... and really what else does a guy need?  Other than food, beer, and sex?  Nothing really.  Once I get really settled in, I will start inviting people to party.

I guess over all, things have been looking up for me.  I'm happy with where my life is at the moment, and I do see some pretty good things in the immediate future, but it hasn't been all sunshines and faerie farts.  Over the last week or so, I've been feeling very ill... but it really got bad about three days ago.  I woke up with a fever, and feeling nauseous, and dizzy... and I was throwing up.  Yesterday I felt a little better, until about an hour and a half before my shift ended.  Then I was feeling dizzy and light-headed again.  When I got home I had another bout to vomiting, and then again when I woke up.  As of right now, I'm feeling a lot stronger, but I know I still have a cold.  I know that I have a history of getting sick in April, so I know that this is supposed to be pollen allergies and all that, but I haven't felt this bad.  Maybe there's something wrong, but then again all of this could be tied to the next segment I'm about to explain.

I'm starting to realize that I actually have a lot of friends.  Some of these friends are really close to me, and some are new friends that could become really close to me.  Some of these friends are the very friends that I would fight for and die for should a situation come up.  But whatever the case may be with these friends of mine, I always try my best to help them out if I know that they're struggling with life.  Some of my friends are dealing with health issues, while some of them are stuck in emotional crisis, some of them have stalker ex-significant others, while still others are in the middle of family feuds.  I have friends who are in the hospital, some who are struggling to make ends meet.  Some who are probably just an insult or two away from suicide.  Everyone has their issues and their struggles to handle.  And mine is mostly a psychological issue.  I don't know why it is, but I always feel like I have to put on a super suit and help everyone who is going through something, even when I know that there is a good possibility I'll be ineffectual, or worse off, counter-productive.  I know that in many cases there is nothing I can do.  I know that sometimes, the best thing I can do is nothing, but I always feel like that when someone has something going on, I have to do something.  And then, when someone tells me that they don't want my help, I often feel like I'm not a good friend because they don't want me around.  Now... I know that sometimes, they're telling me this because they want to protect me, and they know just how emotionally and physically drained I can get, which also just accounts for why I always feel sluggish, or sick, or whatever... and I know this all stems from my psychological drive to want to help others, I just don't know how to take off the suit and just realize that not everyone can be saved, and not everyone wants to be saved, and not everyone feels like they should be.

Honestly, I don't even know I'm making any sense.

In any case, I hope that more people will stay apprised of this review blog, and hopefully next time it won't be quite so introspective.  I'm playing the new South Park RPG, and I gotta tell you, it delivers all the raunchy South Park stuff we've come to love over the last nearly two decades (If not longer) with an actual quality RPG platform.  But more on that, next time on The Infraggable Tony-Reviews! 

Editorial: Gilligan's Island and the Seven Deadly Sins

You might not ever think of these people the same...

Now just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a tiny ship... who went out set a sail on a three hour trip... (Yes a three hour trip.) Everyone knows of their sad story of how the crew of the S.S. Minnow became shipwrecked on a remote island due to a heavy storm and thus they had to spend the rest of their lives (presumably) together. Along the way, they had wild antics, and several hundred ideas to get off the island... only to have the idea foiled, in one form or another.

BUT What you wouldn't know is underlying the antics, the comedy... the dramatic irony that we as the viewer knew they'd never get off the island, that they would never know... is the subtle evil that each of the members of the S.S. Minnow crew possessed. And I hope this entry, will prove that Gilligan's Island, may actually be Satan's island (which might have been the setting of "The Lord of the Flies" by William Golding.)

First let's examine the character Ginger... the movie star. With her beautiful looks, and her seemingly perfect body... is it any wonder that she was the object of the male character's affection? Ginger knew also that she was tempting them... therefore Ginger represents Lust on Gilligan's island. Because of this Lust... The professor couldn't come up with his best plans, The Skipper usually calmed down around her, the millionaire noticed her, and Gilligan was... well Gilligan. It is clear that Ginger, who is as sexy as she is dumb... represents the Lust so richly needed as part of the seven-peat equation... that Hell offers.

On the other end, Mary Anne who is often jealous of the attention that Ginger receives... is an adequate representation of Envy. Anyone who has ever watched this show of Gilligan's island can sympathize with Mary Anne. We all know how she never got any play. The only character on the show however that seemed to had somewhat of a thing for Mary Anne, was Gilligan. Mary Anne always had to play second string to our Lusty movie star Ginger.

Next on our list is the Millionaire's wife. With her "I won't do it" attitude, and quality of not WANTING to do anything, she is the perfect candidate for the deadly sin, Sloth. Other than that, only about 6% of all Gilligan's Island episode had the Millionaire's wife for more than 5 minutes, in a single episode. Ratings are lowered by inactive characters, and somehow I think that she knew it. But can you blame the cast? The Millionaire's wife never contributed to any of the ideas that any of the other members had, and she never dirtied her hands making food, providing shelter, or anything that required labor. She would have been first to throw over... and be voted off the island. She is the weakest link... good-bye.

Which brings me to the Millionaire himself. Well, it's obvious that with his money, and his coveting... he represents that faithful sin of Greed. Let's face it... the Millionaire obviously salvaged most if not all of his best clothing, his lawn chair, his pillows, a blanket... amongst other things... which makes me wonder how it is he could salvage all of this, plus his wife, and still make it ashore. But it does explain a lot in how he's Greed and she (being his wife) is Sloth. With all of that stuff he salvaged... don't you think that he could have had the kindness to at least share a tiny fraction of things to the others? Nope. Yeah, he too would have been voted off, and all his riches would have been divided between the others.

The Professor, with his vast intellect, superior knowledge, and slightly more sophisticated vocabulary, usually set himself apart from the other members of this island of hell, by working on one of his many plans to get the others off the island. You would think that The Professor was the voice of sanity... but in all actuality, he too like all the others represents a sin... and his, is Pride. For all the reasons mentioned above... The Professor clearly thinks that he is indeed better than the others. He is smarter than everyone else... (Maybe perhaps combined) and he always seems to keep himself very clean, while everyone else seems to be unkempt. The Professor also works on his ideas for the most part, alone... thus symbolizing his "holier-than-thou" attitude.

The Skipper actually represents two of the seven deadly sins. First is Anger (or Wrath), I mean, let's face it... The Skipper is always yelling at poor ol' Gilligan (Though the true reason why this might be so... will be featured later.) because of his bungling. But The Skipper only yells at Gilligan, which may mean that The Skipper has bipolar disease, or an anger complex that is triggered by Gilligan's stupidity. It is not known the reason behind The Skipper's Anger just towards Gilligan... when this Wrath subsides when he's around anyone else BUT Gilligan.

The second ailment of The Skipper, is Gluttony. Let's face it... out of all of the members of the S.S. Minnow... The Skipper is the most rotund. this is because the Skipper enjoys eating. Perhaps the source of his Wrath, comes from his Gluttony. He's angry because he's fat... He's fat because he's angry... and poor ol' Gilligan, the skinniest male character has the take the brunt of The Skipper's projection. The Skipper also likes the women (with the exception of the Millionaire's wife.) to a point of Gluttony. (Moreso Ginger than Mary Anne.) Gluttony is liking something far too much... and when it comes to food. The Skipper fits the bill more than perfectly.

Lust, Envy, Sloth, Greed, Pride, Wrath, and Gluttony... those are the seven deadly sins. So... if all seven of the deadly sins are covered already, what exactly does Gilligan represent? The answer is obvious. Gilligan is Satan. And there are two reasons for this. First... Gilligan is the one who somehow always manages to bungle up or foil their plans to escape the island. Second... has anyone else wondered why Gilligan always wore that red sweater?

Makes you kind of think of what other shows features a bungling Satan, and other sins...

The Rockuary: The Game Plan

Not actually related.

What do you get when you add Dwayne Johnson, Disney, and some kid?  Well, apparently you get "The Game Plan."  And while I don't think this movie really sold on the kind of actor that Dwayne is, it did convince me that he can do different things while sticking into his "tough guy" persona we've always known him to have.  Sure, there's really nothing in this movie that's original, and some of the dialogue and scenes here feel very contrived, but it's mostly harmless.  This movie isn't exactly the groundbreaking, star-making, in-your-face movie we want from Dwayne, but for what it is, I found it rather enjoyable.  An interesting side note about this particular movie is that it's the last movie that uses Dwayne's ring name as part of the credit.  It's the last time he's credited Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

So, we see Dwayne here as a star quarterback known as Joe Kingman, who is this arrogant, brash, pompous guy who takes himself rather seriously, and doesn't really like to involve his teammates in the big plays.  And because of it, he never can seem to win the championship.  Like I said, pretty cliche and contrived, but at least he's not himself an inner-city thug trying to learn the importance of not being a criminal.  So we've got that.

The next morning, an 8-year old girl appears on Kingman's doorstep claiming that she is his biological daughter and that his divorced wife sent her there to meet him.  Her name is Peyton Kelly (played by a reasonably talented Madison Pettis); however, Kingman's agent, Stella Peck (played by a more robotic Kyra Sedgewick) thinks that this will be bad for his image.  And initially, she's right.

At the opening of his own restaurant, Kingman leaves without Peyton, and it is on the cover of a tabloid magazine the next day.  Peck decides that Kingman needs to have a fatherly image.  At a later conference, the reporters make Kingman miserable, but little Peyton comes to the aid of Kingman and explains that Joe is new at all this, and was basically thrown into a situation where he wasn't prepared.  This garners sympathy, and allows Kingman to save face.  But ohhhhhhh is there a price to pay.

And of course, since all 8-year-old girls like ballet, Peyton forces Kingman to take her to ballet class ran by the closest thing to a romantic interest in the movie, Monique Vasquez (played by the always prancing Roselyn Sanchez, who I think was in that movie "Center Stage" about the crappy ballet dancers who I couldn't give a shit about.  [get back to me on that if that's the movie I'm thinking of]) and wouldn't you know it, now by whatever con, Kingman now has to participate in ballet.  It was to show that ballet dancers can be just as athletic and physical as football players.  Kingman and Peyton finally start their relationship after Peyton brings to attention that Kingman's an arrogant asshat.

Soon however, we get the whole liar reveal arch, where Peyton accidentally tells Kingman that she was supposed to be at ballet camp, but she ran away in order to find her father, and that this makes Joe angry that Peyton has been a distraction.  It's further explained through an allergic reaction that Peyton has to peanuts that her mother, Kingman's ex-wife, had been killed in a car accident and that Peyton was staying with Kingman's former sister-in-law.  And the movie sort of just passes over these facts rather casually.  And there's the whole moping scene where Kingman realizes that Peyton was the best thing that had happened to him... it's pretty formulaic and a bit groan-worthy, but for what it gave, it's pretty harmless and it doesn't become the focus for very long.

It's championship game time, and Kingman gets injured.  Peyton returns to his side and gives him the same words of encouragement he once gave her, not to give up and throw away opportunities, and in the end, Kingman learns the value of teamwork, and the value of being a father.  He turns down a multi-million dollar sponsorship, and decides to be a father.  And it all wraps up rather nicely.

So, that's "The Game Plan" in a nutshell, and while it didn't exactly add anything revolutionary to the awkward father story formula, it does do a good representation of it.  It has a cohesive story, and there are a few touching moments.  Madison Pettis is also a pretty competent actor, and fortunately she's not overbearing nor hard to listen to.  It's clear that she wanted to get the job done not only right, but well.  I do think, that this movie is really the movie that showed that Dwayne Johnson does have potential, and does have range.

On a scale from one to Super Mega Awesome, I'm going to rate this movie a Really Good.  Tune in next time when The Rockuary tackles (see what I did there) "Get Smart (2008)"

The Rockuary: Reno 911: Miami

So it's like this...

In this movie, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is not a major character.  But as he does have a substantial cameo in this movie, I'm including this movie into "The Rockuary."  But before I review this movie, I want to let my readers know that I never watched the show.  I didn't really have access to a TV at this point in my life, so I don't really know whether the show was any good, and therefore I might be judging the movie leaning more toward my own ignorance than for the quality of its source material.

Reno 911, from what I understand is a mockumentary, that parodies COPS, and does so in a clever fashion that's funny and well-paced.  But in this movie... I guess I'm missing the clever, the funny, and the pacing.  And while I'm going to chalk up most of what I think is wrong with this movie up to my ignorance of the source material, I've got to say besides the flashes of nudity, and Danny Devito... I can't really find anything good about this movie.  Granted it's not DOOMed to be a stinker... like DOOM was, and Dwayne Johnson's cameo is interesting, this movie sucked.

I think the movie could have been better if it were split up into a few episodes, but to have to sit through 80 minutes of just lowbrow jokes (most which don't work), and a plot that slogs on, I lost interest in the movie about 25 minutes in, and I personally can't even remember what happened in it.  And I just watched this movie for the first time last night.

And really... with all the nudity and dick jokes, I guess a cohesive plot and character development is obligated to take a secondary role to whatever is going on.  Even as I'm writing this review, I feel like the audience itself is secondary to this movie having its own head up its ass.  So I'm just going to end with this.

If you know the source material of the movie and this particular movie does it for you, then by all means.  If you don't know the source material, but you like to see bewbs and all that, then... this movie is for you.  If you don't know the source material, and you were thinking about watching this movie for its immersive characters, it's engaging plot, and a cohesive and clever idea... then you'd be better off watching paint dry.

On a scale between one and Super Mega Awesome, I give this movie a Masterfully Crapful.  Ass and titties can only go so far. Tune in to The Infraggable Tony-Reviews presents "The Rockuary" when I review "Southland Tales."

The Rockuary: Gridiron Gang

Because inter-city thugs pull at the heart strings

In this installment of "The Rockuary" we get to finally see the beginnings of potential for Dwayne Johnson.  And while this movie isn't necessarily good in a conventional sense, it is a pretty good movie based on what it was trying to do.  Now, when I think of "Gridiron Gang," another movie that is similar to this comes to mind.  If anyone knows the line of thought that I'm going to, I'm talking of course about "Remember the Titans."  They have similar plots, they have similar type of characters, they have similar messages.  The difference being that in "Remember the Titans" (2000) their central focus was on de-segregation, and it had ties with the Civil Rights Movement, "Gridiron Gang" (2006) deals more about de-criminalization, and gang wars.

While I personally think that "Remember the Titans" is the stronger of the two movies, "Gridiron Gang" did get some things right.  In this movie, Dwayne Johnson plays Sean Porter who works at the Kilpatrick Detention Center in Los Angeles.  Which I think is a good way to introduce his character, as Dwayne is believable as a Detention Officer.  Having been frustrated at the fact that he's not able to help kids get away from their problems, (i.e. gang wars, drugs, robbery, etc) he decides to create a football team to allow the kids to feel like they're a part of something better.  Why football?  I don't really know, but I suppose it would be better than say, half-naked volleyball or something ridiculous like that. 

(Which leads me to wonder why baseball is America's pass time, when more people like football to begin with.  Meh, I'm over thinking it.)

Porter believes that football and teamwork will teach the teenage inmates what it takes to be responsible, mature, and winners.  So he picks several inmates that he feels will benefit from his program and requires that they practice with him the following day.  He tells his team, "You are all losers, but if you stick to this program, you could all be winners at the end."  And there is a practice session that is mildly funny that not one inmate knows how to spell the word "Mustangs" which is the name of their team.  Two of the team members do not get along, as they are members of rival gangs.  Willie Weathers is from the 88's, and Kelvin Owens is from the 95's. 

88's and 95's?  I'm just going to assume that these are street numbers, otherwise, these are stupid ass gang names.  I mean, I don't know much about gang nomenclature, or gang histories, but you have to admit these are pretty stupid fucking names for street toughs.  But, for the sake of the movie, and because it's doing so well so far, I'mma let this slide.

So, after they've had practice, they think they're ready for their first game, which is against the best team in the league, Barrington.  And for the first few minutes of the game, things are going well for the Mustangs.  They recover a fumble, and they're feeling rather good about themselves, but things quickly turn for our inter-city rapscallions.  They are totally annihilated by Barrington losing by 38 points.  (Like the Broncos... ...too soon?)  And after being on a 0-2 losing streak, the Mustangs finally win a game as they start to learn to work together as a team.  Kelvin and Willie even shake hands at the end of a game when they finally start to respect one another when they win their first game after Kelvin makes a crucial block for Willie to score the winning touchdown.

But not everything is all roses and faerie farts.  One of Willie's gang friends, Free, stops by the field and realizes that Kelvin is a 95.  Kelvin and Free get into a fight, and Free shoots him in the shoulder.  As free prepares to put another bullet in Kelvin's head, Willie tackles Free to the ground to save Kelvin's life.  Free is shocked that Willie would help a 95, as the police arrives.  He fires at the cops, and the cops retaliate killing Free in the process.  Although Kelvin survives the attack, he is unable to play in the playoffs. 

In the next game against Barrington, the Mustangs are down 14-0, because of their demoralization of losing Kelvin.  But Willie makes an inspirational and motivating speech... because all football movies need one... and they go out and beat Barrington.  There is then a narration by Dwayne in the form of a voice-over, because sports movies tend to have one of those as well, explaining that the Mustangs lost the championship game 17-14, but no one called them losers.  And it turns out that most of the inmates who were in the program had gone on to better things.

The movie ends with the "next class" of Mustangs, training and unable to spell Mustangs.  And it wraps up pretty nicely.

As said before, I think that "Remember the Titans" is the stronger, better movie.  But "Gridiron Gang" was cohesive, it flowed and paced very nicely, and it wasn't saying more than it was meant to say.  It wasn't pretentious, it had a comprehensive narrative, and while it did stick with several cliches that sort of made me want to internally groan, and didn't really add anything new to the "problematic kid and sports" genre, it did present itself rather admirably.  I didn't have any major problems with the movie, save the gang names thing... so on a scale from one to Super Mega Awesome, I'm going to rate this movie as "Enjoyably Good."

Tune in next time when The Infraggable Tony-Reviews presents "The Rockuary: Reno 911: Miami"

The Rockuary: DOOM

Great game... shitty movie

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm very critical about my video game and comic book movies.  While in the last seven to eight years, comic book movies have really improved in their quality.  So why is it that video game movies have a tendency to suck so much?  Obviously, these film makers should have learned by now that in order to make a video game movie good, you have to stick to its original premise.  You have to know your source material.  You have to present it in a way that's familiar to the fans, but also brings something new to the table.  You have to know what's going on.  You have to make the fans happy, while not undermining their intelligence.  And this piece of oily hippo shit does none of these things.

So what do I like about this movie?  Well, there actually is something I like about this movie.  The fact that Dwayne Johnson turns out to be the bad guy in this movie.  It's pretty contrived, and it doesn't really feel natural, and it feels more like his role from "The Mummy Returns," being tacked on, and somewhat unnecessary, but I rather like that they could allow Dwayne to be a bad guy.

And that's pretty much all I like about this movie.  There are just so many things wrong about this movie, that's shitty.  I'm not even sure where to begin.  ...well, actually... I do know where to begin.  It's original premise.  The DOOM computer game was about a Hell invasion on Phobos, one of the moons of Mars.  It is the year 2046, and we've apparently colonized the moon of Mars.  There's not much of a backstory that's needed past that.  Earth sends some of their toughest marines to deal with the situation, you just happen to be one of the last surviving Marines left.  Simple as that.  In its movie counterpart, there's no mention of Hell.

A truly bold movie adaptation of the first-person-shooter videogame 'Doom' would simply be an hour and a half of ... well ... first-person shooting. The camera would take the point of view of an anonymous soldier as he blasts his way through various mutants, zombies, and other unfriendly creatures in the catacombs of Mars.

There is actually an extended sequence like that in the movie, tipping its hat to its popular source. It's pretty clever and has a kind of trigger-finger wit. Otherwise, Doom the movie is likely to thrill only those who have been yearning for a Doom movie. Most others will have seen it all before, in superior action-horror films (Aliens, Predator) and not-so-superior ones (Resident Evil).

Scientists on Mars have been diddling around with a 24th chromosome that makes humans super strong and almost indestructible. The process, though, also functions as a sort of moral litmus test: If you're predisposed to violence or psychosis, it'll make you a monster. So the result is a bunch of dead scientists, and a crew of Hollywood-issue Marines are shipped off to Mars to investigate. Character subtlety is out of the question: the only Marine with a full name is John Grimm (Karl Urban), which suits his general mood. The other guys go by names like Goat, Duke, Destroyer, and Sarge (The Rock).

Helmed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, a decent cinematographer (Thirteen Days, The Devil's Advocate) turned schlock director (Cradle 2 the Grave, Romeo Must Die), the movie streaks by in unscannable short bursts of gunfire. Doom is plenty bloody and violent, though the hyperactive editors (four are credited) make sure you don't see much of the carnage, in effect doing the MPAA's censorious work for it. The video game was (notoriously) much more brutal; the movie is suggestively brutal, offering quick glimpses of torn flesh, spattered blood. In one memorable bit, a tube of a character's watery brain matter is applied to a monster's severed tongue to see if there's a reaction. That sentence has possibly never been typed before, and I suppose I have Doom to thank for it.

The Rock continues to pursue his apparent dream of being a stoic and colorless action hero, without a trace of the humor he's shown in interviews, in supporting roles, or even in his old wrestling persona. His one tender moment is played opposite an enormous gun, taking trash-movie autoeroticism about as far as it can go. (Regardless, we see it fired only twice.) Usually a director would try to cast eccentrics around a rock like The Rock, but here we only get Karl Urban, here used for his imposing physique and little else. Urban emerges as the film's closest thing to a hero, but he's still not very close, playing a hard-boiled soldier who goes on the mission mainly to rescue his scientist sister (Rosamund Pike, who couldn't act worth a damn in Die Another Day and still can't). Only Richard Brake, as the sleazy and duplicitous grunt Portman, gives a performance of any interest, and even that's on the level of caricature.

And what exactly did I expect from a movie based on a shoot-'em-up video game? Well, there's no rule that video game movies have to be idiotic. And there's no rule that action-horror flicks need be dumb: James Cameron's Aliens remains the gold standard in a debased sub-genre. Doom, however, proceeds as though those were inviolable rules. And except for a moment involving a monkey in an air shaft the script is as humorless as The Rock's character.

Some time ago there was a famous Internet clip of the online game 'World of Warcraft,' in which a player loudly proclaiming himself "Leeroy Jenkins" ran heedlessly into a hazardous level and (hilariously) got everyone else killed. 'Doom' could've used a Leeroy Jenkins.

On a scale of one to Super Mega Awesome, this movie gets a "Stay the fuck away from it, and it can't hurt you."  If I knew then, what I know now... I would have taken this advice.

The Rockuary: Be Cool

Ice to meet you.  Okay everyone, chill.  Yeah, lame.

I'm going to be honest here.  I am not particularly a John Travolta fan.  Yes, he's done some good work, I just find him and many of his characters to be a complete douche canoe.  Which is sad, because there are a lot of great actors in this.  You've got Uma Thurman, Cedric the Entertainer, Vince Vaughn (just before he caught his stride), Dwayne Johnson... well... he's in it.

It's probably for the better that Dwayne's part in this movie is more subdued, and that the attention is not on him.  And considering in this movie, he plays a gay Samoan bodyguard whose only purpose really is to be the butt of gay jokes... eh... I'm sure they could have gotten someone else to play this.

“Be Cool,” the sequel to the popular film “Get Shorty” has some of the same characters as the original and is adapted from the work of the same brilliant author, Leonard Elmore, but is not nearly as good a film as the original. The characters are still engaging, but the story is a mess this time around.

John Travolta reprises his role as gangster-turned-movie-producer Chili Palmer. He has grown weary of the movie business and is looking to move on. One of the reasons he is moving on is that he was suckered into doing a sequel. There are some funny movie in-jokes about sequels in the movie. The problem is, Chili Palmer's weariness and his loathing of sequels leaks into the film itself and robs some of its carefree spirit. Chili spots a promising young singer, Linda Moon (played by Christina Milian of “Man of the House”) and decides he is going to go into the record business. One of the attractions of the record business for Chili is that it is much more dangerous, and exciting, than the movie business. Chili is not bothered at all by the fact that Moon is under contract to a dangerous record company executive, Nick Carr (Harvey Keitel). He smooth talks his way into a deal with a rival record company headed by an old friend, Edie Athens (Uma Thurman of “Kill Bill”). Edie is being threatened by another dangerous record company executive, Sin LaSalle (Cedric the Entertainer). Chili soon finds that several people are gunning for him, including Russian mobsters.

The story is filled with colorful characters, like Raji (Vince Vaughn of “Dodgeball”), a white record company flunky who pretends to be street-smart, but doesn't have a clue. Then there's Raji's gay bodyguard, Elliot Wilhelm (played by The Rock of “Walking Tall”), who wants to be an actor. Dabu (André Benjamin), one of Sin LaSalle's hitmen, is a man adrift. He seems to be on the outside looking in to any scene where he appears. His off-the-wall comments always seem to strike the wrong chord. Sin LaSalle is a well-educated record executive who is trying to ride herd, not only on some wayward performers, but his own crooked-shooting gang as well, especially his in-law, Dabu.

The movie also features a dance scene between Travolta and Thurman which is supposed to remind the viewer of a similar dance scene the same two actors did in “Pulp Fiction.” It did remind me of that scene, but it also reminded me that this movie pales in comparison to “Pulp Fiction.” The big problem with this movie is the script. Time and again, Chili angers powerful people who threaten to kill him. Time and again, Chili is spared for no good reason. The plot consists of schemes and counter-schemes that are flimsy in both their design and execution. I couldn't really buy any of it. The characters themselves are mildly entertaining. Christina Milian is a fine singer and there are some good musical numbers in the film. I thought Vince Vaughn was playing it too far over the top. Raji is meant to be an absurd character, I know, but Vaughn played him with such desperate intensity that was painful to watch. It doesn't help that Raji murders someone with a baseball bat. That makes him a lot less funny. The movie is a collection of characters frantically searching for something funny to do. They never quite find the missing humor.

On a scale between one and Super Mega Awesome, this thing rates a Disappointing Slog.  Next time on "The Rockuary," we'll look at the worst movie the Rock's been involved in.  "Doom"

The Rockuary: Walking Tall

Well... he is 6'5"...

With this being the fourth movie that Dwayne Johnson has gained some notoriety, is the movie Walking Tall.  And while it's not the worst thing in existence, or even the worst thing covered in "The Rockuary," this is a pretty shitty movie.  And while I'm not sure it's a shitty movie because of ol' DJ here, he didn't exactly save the movie.  Anyone who doubts the Rock's acting credentials could probably point at this movie and competently argue that the Rock should have stayed in World Wrestling Entertainment.  And they'd be right to say so.  The Rock; however, if nothing else, is a charismatic person.  He has this certain je nais c'qouis as people like to put it.  At this point, is The Rock the new Schwarzenegger?  ...well, no.  But that doesn't mean there are similarities between the two by now.

Especially early in his career, Arnold made his share of stinkers. (Anyone remember Red Sonja, Commando, and Raw Deal?) Walking Tall stands up as The Rock's first venture into cinematic putrefaction. (The Scorpion King wasn't awful, it was just plain silly.) This is a wretched motion picture, even considering that it isn't a member of a well-respected genre. The film is comprised of four violent action scenes tied together by nearly 50 minutes of alternately hilarious (unintentionally, of course) and dull filler. So we have the obligatory character-building scenes, not to mention an underdeveloped romance that serves no discernable purpose whatsoever. (Since this is a PG-13 movie, it's not even an excuse for a hot sex scene.)

And in my opinion, it's that this movie is PG-13 that really hurts this movie.  The character development in this movie is practically contrived and it feels very forced.  The romance is completely under-developed, and just seemed tacked on.  Ashley Scott plays the generic girlfriend.  Nice body, decent face, little if any dialogue.  None of it memorable, but considering the dialogue within the movie, this actually works to her favor.  Even the conflict between the Rock's character and Neal McDonough's character isn't all that interesting as this movie is very paint-by-the-numbers.  Let's just say that there's more drama, suspense, and tension at my parent's house during Christmas.

Fortunately, it isn't a total crapfest of "Why did I pay to see this movie."  There are several instances of unintentional hilarity.  The movie goes at a pretty brisk pace, and the action sequences, while PG-13'd, are amusing.  And The Rock is pretty much at the point of stardom at this point that it doesn't matter what he does.  People will love him.  So what probably could be a career-breaking movie, is more of a minor inconvenience for him.  This movie is certainly not the worst piece of crap that The Rock was in, and I understand it has a small cult following.

For me, I'm glad I saw this trouser stain of a movie, but it's certainly not one I keep on a bookshelf waiting for me to rewatch it.  You're totally welcomed to disagree with me, but as for myself.  From a scale of one to Super Mega Awesome, this movie rate as Dismally Poor.  Probably the worse movie rating I've given to a movie yet.

Next up on "The Rockuary" is another meh sort of movie.  "Be Cool."

The Rockuary: "The Rundown"

If you were like me, and dismissed "The Rundown" during it's theatrical run as just another stupid action vehicle for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - well, get in the apology line behind me, because you owe one to everyone involved for judging a book by it's cover. "The Rundown" is good. Perhaps it's not genre-revolutionizing and life-altering good. But it's definitely snappy one-liners and bone-crunching action good, and that's good enough for me.

"The Rundown" is one of those movies that just comes together. You expect it to be dumb, but it's refreshingly clever. You expect the acting to range anywhere from mediocre to horrible, and everyone in the cast rises to the occasion and turns in a damn solid performance. You expect the action scenes to be pedestrian, and you are giddily surprised to find a director with a sharp eye at the helm, who knows just how to get the most out every flying scissor-kick or thug getting a blunt object cracked over his head. There's a torch-passing cameo in the opening scene, where The Rock brushes against Arnold Schwarznegger in the hall of a nightclub, and the Governator just smiles at him and says "Have Fun." Never has such an exhortation been taken to heart so well. It's that sense of fun that constantly uplifts "The Rundown", and gives you a new found respect for directors like Peter Berg (VERY BAD THINGS) and even guys like The Rock or Sean William Scott, who manage to rise above the niches they've been typecast into.

Rock plays Beck, a very tough dude who runs down people to collect on their gambling debts in order to pay off one of his own. Despite his talent for breaking bones and laying out guys who are twice his size, he's really just a nice guy who hates guns, doesn't like hurting people, and who wants to get out of "the life" and open a quiet restaurant somewhere. He's given the chance to do just that if he does one last job for his boss - find the Boss's son down in the jungles of Brazil. It seems that Travis (Sean William Scott) ran off to become a treasure hunter after sleeping with the wrong guy's wife. Now he has to come back to face the music.

Beck takes the job and goes looking for Travis, making the acquaintance of sexy bartender Marianna (Rosario Dawson) in the process. Finding Travis is the easy part. Getting him back home is another story, since local crime overlord and slave driver Hatcher (Christopher Walken, in top form) is looking for a valuable artifact that Travis claims to know the whereabouts of.

What ensues is a lot of chasing and fighting in the jungle, a lot of funny exchanges between Scott and The Rock, and plenty of hilarious dialogue from Walken in his unsurpassed deadpan style (His "Tooth Fairy" analogy is bound to be quoted repeatedly by fans). But best of all are the fight scenes, which are full of energy and great camera angles and some really fantastic choreography. Sure, they're used as a showcase for The Rock's Wrestlemania moves, but they work. If you're an action fan, seeing how much furniture the rock breaks over people's heads will constantly bring a smile to your face.

I don't know if The Rock will really become as big as Schwarzenegger was in his prime, but making movies like "The Rundown" is certainly a way to get off on the right foot. Likewise, his progress as an actor is impressive when compared to 2002's "Scorpion King". He's not going to be ready to do any Shakespeare festivals anytime soon, but he sells the role with a combination of an intimidating demeanor and likable gruffness. If you're in the mood for a solid two hours of one-liners and good ass-kicking, "The Rundown" is definitely worth running down to the video store for.

The Rockuary: The Scorpion King

Are prequels ever a good idea?

Welcome to the second installment of "The Rockuary."  So, after the snafu of the Scorpion King's character in "The Mummy Returns," we get treated to a movie that everyone (including me) wanted to see.  We wanted to know the back story of the Scorpion King.  After that pandering steaming hot pile of garbage that we got in the intro to "The Mummy Returns," Hollywood decided to give us, "The Scorpion King."  And while yeah, this movie was considered a success at the box office, it didn't do nearly as well as they thought.

The budget of this movie was less than that of "The Mummy Returns," at about 60 million dollars, and world-wide it grossed 165 million, which was far less than its predecessor, but considering this was the Rock's first role as a leading man, and getting paid 5.5million dollars for his rookie attempt, one has to admit, this was pretty awesome.  But now through the eyes of nostalgia, I have to admit... this movie had its glaring flaws and its rather stupid moments.

What do I like about this movie?  Well, the effort of The Rock, and the vision the director had for this movie.  I liked Kelly Hu.  And of course, the late, great, and incomparable Michael Clarke Duncan, who was in this movie.  I liked the sword fighting, and I liked how all of the actors took the time and effort to learn some basic sword fighting to make the movie seem a little more authentic.

So, with likable characters, what don't I like about this movie?  Well, anyone who has ever read any of my movie reviews would know that pacing is key to my enjoyment of the movie.  If it's too fast, you don't get to know your characters, and you tend not to give a shit about their motivations, if it goes too slow, you end up resenting these characters, and hating them... and unfortunately, despite these great characters driving the story... the pacing feels too clunky.  It's too fast and doesn't explain shit in some parts of the movie, and sometimes it just slogs on until you wish everyone was dead just to end the movie quicker.

Also, I really didn't like the villain all that much.  The villain's name here is Memnon, and I have to admit, in my opinion... that's not a very villainy name.  It sounds like a name you could give to "Random villager #5" and get away with it.  And he's weak.  Not as in physical strength weak, but his characterization is weak.  His goal is basically to become the Scorpion King, become immortal, and take over the world.  But there's little if any motivation.  Hardly any character development, little screen time to explore this villain's facets.  Which is a shame, because I feel that Memnon could have had golden scenes.

While "The Scorpion King" is, in my opinion a bad movie, there are enjoyable moments.  The stuff that works in this movie, really works.  But the clunkiness of the movie and the blandness of our villain pretty much takes me out of the movie for the most part.  Provided this is the Rock's first movie as a leading man, and given what the actors, and director had to work with, this was a pretty gutsy movie in general.  I would recommend watching it, at least once.  But don't come into this movie with the expectation that it's "The Mummy" caliber.  On a scale of one to Super Ultra Awesome, I'd rate this move a "Reasonably Good."

Next time on The Rockuary, "The Rundown"

The Rockuary: The Mummy Returns

Ahhhhh!  Kill it with fire!

So as promised, today is the first day that I'm starting a whole month of movies that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been in.  And while "The Mummy Returns" is not the first movie that he has been in ("Beyond the Mat" being a wrestling Documentary in 1999, and "Longshot" where he had a very brief cameo in 2000), this is the first movie where he gained notoriety beyond his then-WWF career.  Here, he plays The Scorpion King, who in a later movie would be named Mathayus.  In this movie, Dwayne Johnson has little more than a cameo, and the CGI didn't exactly lend to be on par with the Great One, but considering that most of the CGI technology was headed by New Line with the creation of Gollum for the Two Towers... Universal Pictures could have done a little better with their CGI.  But I get ahead of myself.

The budget of "The Mummy Returns" was about 98 million dollars, and had a box office return of just over 433 million dollars, so all in all I'd say that this was a pretty successful movie.  But now that I'm watching this movie again in preparation of "The Rockuary," I'm not sure it was as successful as it should have been.

So the movie begins in the year 3067BC... because... sure why not?  Here we get to see the Brahma Bull, as the at this time unnamed "Scorpion King" while he's leading his armies on a campaign to conquer the Earth.  But apparently in seven years of warmongering things don't exactly go his way, and to the desert of Ahm Sher.  I don't exactly know where that is, so to bullshit through we'll just say present-day Egypt... otherwise the rest of this movie is pretty much putting its head up its own ass.  Soon enough after walking through the desert, and all of his men dying... which makes me wonder how the Scorpion King just happened to be the last survivor... (save through contrived plot device) he vows to sell his soul to Anubis (God of Death) for the power to defeat his enemies.  Apparently in doing so, Anubis decides to give him a pyramid, an oasis, nigh-immortality, and an army of undead jackal humanoid like creatures.  I mean shit... I would sell my soul for a ham sammich.  Anyway, so that happens, and once the Scorpion King finishes his task, Anubis takes his soul and the world pretty much falls under a deux ex machina effect.

Fast forward to 1933AD, because again, that's a perfectly sensible year for the rest of the movie to take place.  We reunite with Rick O'Connell (played by the always talented Brendan Fraiser) and his now wife (from the previous movie, "The Mummy" played by the underrated, yet beautiful Rachel Weisz) Evelyn O'Connell searching a ruined mortuary structure in the ancient city of Thebes.  And they bring their snot-nose brat of a child named Alex played by who the fuck cares.  Rick and Evelyn are horrible people bringing their child to a place that most likely will kill all three of them if not for Hollywood magic.  Anyway... that bothers me less than just how much this kid annoys the ever-loving shit out of me.

While there, they come across a mystical bracelet said to have been worn by the Scorpion King, and here we have our McGuffin.  When they get back to London, the kid learns that the wearer of the bracelet would immediately become cursed and will have seven days to reach the Scorpion King's pyramid or else die when the sun's light touches the pyramid.  So it's one of those seven day curses.  Gee, that's not original or anything like that.  But whatever, we have a sense of direction for this movie now.

Evelyn gets captured by some Egyptian cultists who want to resurrect Imhotep who was the villain from the last movie, in a sort of uninspired way for the purpose of killing the Scorpion King who is said to be resurrected this year though how or why this is isn't really even properly explained.  But apparently killing the Scorpion King would allow Imhotep to control that jackal army.  So that's sort of neat.

Anyway, after all that, a whole bunch of shit happens, there's an air chase that most people seem to remember and a lot of missed humorous moments.  And then Evelyn has apparently a flashback to a previous life where she was apparently some sort of Egyptian priestess warrior, or some crap like that.  And finally after very little payout from the whole movie... we get to see the Rock as an actual big ass Scorpion.

Okay, okay, okay, okay... what the fuck is this shit?  Why is he a big fucking scorpion?  Does this movie actually explain anything?  And why is this one of the worst things anyone has ever done, ever?  Fine, I'll go with this.  Eventually, through an even less important McGuffin, the Scorpion King dies pretty much like a bitch, Imhotep is swallowed up by the souls of the dead, and I'm sitting in the theater saying "What the fuck is this shit?"  And I have to hear from my friends how this is a great movie.

No.  The reason why this was a great movie was that this was the Rock's movie "debut."  This movie explained nothing, and while cinematically it was pleasing to look at, I felt that the movie felt tacked on and stupid.  But ohhhh... this is certainly not the worst movie the Rock has ever been a part of.  Don't believe me?  You'll just have to wait for more from "The Rockuary."  If you Smell-ell-ell-ell-ell..... what the Rock... is cookin'.  o.ô

Tony-Man vs. English Speakers

Before I kick-off "The Rockuary," there is something that is on my mind.  Having seen last night's Coca-Cola commercial where "America the Beautiful" was sang in several different languages, it apparently brought out the "We speak English in this Country" community.  Mostly over this muddle we call the internet.  And while I realize that arguing over the internet is pretty much like bringing a one-legged man to an ass-kicking contest, I feel that I need to at least say something.  Because, anyone who reads this blog who actually knows me knows I always have something to say.

I am America.  Chances are, I'm more American than a good many people who decry that we speak English in this country.  I am a healthy blend of Korean and American, and while I only speak English, I come from a proud line of people.  I am a third generation soldier.  My Mission Oriented Specialty (MOS) was communications and signal.  I saw combat in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Africa.  My father began as a TOW Gunner, and later switched to being a bio-medical technician.  My grand father was field artillery.  For all I know, if I'm ever blessed with having children, they might join the military and see combat as well.

My mother is Korean.  She married my father, without knowing hardly any English and immigrated here, became a citizen of America, and has lived here longer than I've been alive.  She didn't accept any hand-outs, she didn't just decide to remain content with being a soldier's wife.  She has owned her own small businesses ranging from an ice cream shop, to an alterations shop, to a liqour store, and is now planning on becoming a landlord.  And she has been successful at each venue she ever tried, all without any proper education.  Because she believed in the ideal that in America if you work hard, seize the opportunities when you see them, and not get discouraged, a person can be successful here in America.

Yes, officially America is an English speaking country.  But America is also unique for encouraging other people from different countries and melting with our English speaking core to create something that many other countries don't have.  We're diverse.  And it was our diversity that made America the greatest country in the world.  Our tagline was the land of opportunity, and it was great global marketing.  So why now do our "English speaking purists" want to take that which made us so great?  Okay, I firmly believe that immigrants who want to live in America should go through the process of naturalization, and get a green card.  I firmly believe that we also have the right to deny people access to America if they're illegals.  But to say that everyone in America, legal or not should be forced to speak English is a bit much.

My friends are a diverse group of people.  They reflect America.  Yes, most of them are Caucasian, many of them only speak English.  Some of them can speak Spanish, one or two of them can speak other languages.  I have a few Latino friends, some of them speak Spanish.  I have a few Black friends, and they speak English.  But should I expect them to speak some sort of African language?  Of course not.  But do I expect them to be ashamed of their heritage and force them to speak only said African language?  No.  That's the mark of bigotry.

America isn't America because of the language that we speak, nor by the color of our skin.  You can find America in the way we treat each other.  You can see America when the sun rises and you're not afraid to wake up in the morning, or the crack of noon.  You can see America in the hearts of your children.  You can feel America just hanging out with your friends and acting like idiots for the sheer fact that with your friends you can act like complete idiots, and that okay.  America is what you make of it, and by limiting America based on the language you speak, you also limit the potential of American life itself.  And by doing that, you label yourself as the very essence of ignorance.

If America was concerned about keeping its original identity, perhaps we should all wear bear hides, and live in teepees or wigwams, or adobe huts, or whatever it was that the Natives lived in before the English and the rest of Europe came over.  I'm sure it was the Natives fault for being on the "Old World's" land before they got there.  But such as it is.

America is beautiful, so please... let's not mar its image with narrow-mindedness.  Enough damage has been done to this teenager of a country.  Let's allow her to grow up in a nurtured environment and see what she can become when she grows up into full womanhood.  Will she be a beautiful country that everyone will once again admire, or will she become a spiteful defeated wilted flower who will end up hating everything.  We have to help decide that.

Tony-Man versus The Legend of Hercules (2014)

Boy Rocky, you've changed...

Hello fellow readers!  Holy crap look at all the blogs and reviews I've done this month!  It's been an exceptionally crazy month, filled with ups, downs, reviews, disappointments, and fluh... (for a lack of a better term).  To kick off the month, I want to ask you two questions.

First, what do you get when you combine pieces of "Gladiator," "300," and "Troy"?

Second, what do you get when you rush production of a movie, due to another movie with a Hercules theme that features Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (Hercules: the Thracian Wars, coming out 25 July 2014)?

You get this confusing, contrived and sort of pussy whipped movie that's as predictable as it is formulaic.  And yes, it's confusing in its predictability.

Okay, so here are the things that are good about it.  (And yes... there are spoilers here, but nothing major that will ruin the movie.)  The fight sequences while predictable, and make you want to groan at the similarities of the aforementioned movies, are fast paced and quasi-believable.  None of the fight sequences are one-sided, and that the heroes in the movie are sliced up, skinned up, scarred.  Of course, there's no doubt in your mind who is going to end up winning, but everyone gets wounded.

The pacing for this movie, while muddled at the very beginning, is decently paced.  There's also an explanation of Hercules' birth, albeit somewhat brief.  Then it jumps to 20 years after the birth of Hercules.  While I would have liked to see a coming of age Hercules, I know that it's not the focus, so they don't waste any time of stuff between.

All the major characters, and supporting characters have a purpose.  Not one of them are throw-away characters.  There is a significant death scene, but unlike in Thor: The Dark World, the major character that dies in this movie has character development.  You are given time to explore the motivations, the hopes, the fears, and the triumphs of this character.  You get to feel for this character's plight, and it contributes very significantly to the enter ethos of this movie.  This is a character death done right.

Which brings me to the stuff that I didn't really care for.  And the biggest flaw that I feel this movie has, is that it pretty much took the plots of "Gladiator," "300," and "Troy"; decided to pretty much cut all the soul out of those movie, congealed the rest of the movies into a new bowl and let it sit over night.  Then put it into a Hercules cooking tray and let it bake.  And that's basically what this feels like.  Okay, I get it, it's Ancient Greece.  It's Hercules, and there were wars, and gladiator pits and treachery and all that other crap.  But, when it's obvious... it's obvious.  This movie has very little in the way of originality.  Special effects aside (and some of them where just downright goofy), I felt that the writing of this movie could have gone back to editing one more time to make the movie a little more cohesive.

Also, Hercules himself in this movie... is sort of a little bitch.  Since the movie doesn't tell us whether or not he's born with his super-strength or whether he has to do something in order to obtain them, Hercules gets the shit beat out of him... often.  And I could have accepted this if he were fighting against specialized soldiers, or against other demigods, but in a lot of instances, he's getting hurt by the Mook Squad, for more than half of the movie.  I know that seems like a hypocritical thing considering that I liked the fact that he was getting hurt in battle.  I don't know, I just sort of expected the nigh-invincible son of Zeus to be a little more impressive than he was.  When he finally does show his super phenomenal cosmic strength... that too was, pretty bland and weak.  What pisses me off even more, is that when he's fighting the Big Bad... it appears all of his newfound super-strength is gone.  Apparently in this movie, Godliness is a McGuffin.  Which figures.

I pretty much hated all the scenes that had Hercules as a "gladiator."  It's not very interesting.  Well, the fight scenes are, but the character and the movie itself probably could have benefited more if they took the characters on a different direction.  But, I also understand the need to give the viewing audience something familiar.  Play to the least common demonimator, right?  The last gladiator battle was rather rushed, and I think it was merely there for phallic-warmongering that appeals to the young male.  (Don't get me wrong, I love a good hand-to-hand battle scene.  I just wish this particular one looked decent and had substance to the story).

All in all, the movie was pretty good.  It certainly helped that this time I saw the movie with someone, who probably shares in some of these points.  From a scale of one to super mega awesome... I'm going to rate this a recommendly decent.

And you know, sooner or later, I'm going to have to write out the chart I use (because there is actually a chart I use) for my ranking system.