Tony-Man recounts 2013

Before I start reviewing movies (and I've already got two movies lined up for this blog for 2014), I thought I would sort of recount some of the major events and many minor ones that I should recount.  So, I'm pretty much going to rapid-fire this, so if I seem everywhere... don't think it as me trying to bastardize this important year that I have been through, even though I certainly have the right to do so.  As you may know... all two of you who actually reads this blog, I've decided to write all of my more introspective personal stuff on a different blog, but I won't be sharing it to the masses for some time, if at all, and I'm going to concentrate on just reviews here.  But I'll be reviewing a wider array of things, instead of just movies.  And I'm sure a personal blurb here or there may come up.

So... here we go.  I've been happy, I've been depressed, I've been angry.  I've been disappointed, I've been optimistic, I've destroyed my hopes, and found new ones.  I have soared on the wings of demons, and I have felt the touch of angels.  I've ridden on a black steed into many different lands.  I've waxed poetic, I've burgled, I've romanced, and I've had my heart broken.  I stopped wars, I've appeared as the hope of a child.  I've metaphored, I've similed, I pontificate, I'm quixotic.  I've carried heavy burdens, I've punished myself in the name of my own self-righteous... and I've punished myself in the name of my own imaginary inner demons.  I have been on the top of a mountain, I've been in low, low valleys.  I've persevered in the face of nihilism, and I've laughed for emotional release.  I have bled, I have cried, I have been mortified, I have found new strength.  I have been a boyfriend, been a lover, been a last resort.  I have been a shoulder to cry on, a pillow for others to rest their weary head, I have been public enemy number one.  I have been incarcerated, I have been the caged bird that sings.

I have lost friends to death, to misunderstandings, to pride, to arrogance, to distance, to time, to lack of mutual interests.  I have made myself a hermit, I have been alone in a crowd of friends.  I have cut ties with people both good for my self-esteem at times more often than those who only were there to hurt me.  I've met amazing people, I've loved amazing people.  But I've also hated amazing people, and erased amazing people.  I have broken laws, I have broken people's spirits and confidence.  I have found a decent yet unremarkable job.  I've been a free spirit, a corporate drone, a narc, and I been fond of people and things that t'were it 2012, I might not have been so into.  I've rediscovered my love and passion for writing (even if honestly, I'm not very good at it).  I have been over the seas, and I've been across this country.

I've opened my heart, I've had it stabbed, I've had it replaced, I've had it stepped on.  I know that my future will hold many more of these moments.  I've felt sentimental, I've felt nostalgic, I've also been hated for what I say, what I mean, what I stand for.  I've had friends introduce new lives into this funny little muddle called the world.  I've even slid down a slide with children, and smiled at the innocence of young kids.  I've dealt with my own misgivings, and I've had my first actual date by a person that showed up.

At my core; however, I've lost a lot, as well as gained.  I have almost completely stopped smoking, and the goal is to completely stop.  I've lost the notion that I will be at a place where I could be a good person to a special someone, but I've never lost the idea that I can be a good person to a special someone.  I've lost the idea that I could ever do the right thing when it really matters, but I've gain the idea that this life can and will knock me down, but it is up to me to choose to get back up.  I've lost the spark that I would never compromise the way I live my life, but I've gained the appreciation of adaptability, in order to at least steer my life in a way that I won't completely self-destruct.

I have learned many hard lessons about life, about people, about friends, and about myself.  I've laughed at myself, and been ashamed of myself, and on more occasions than I'd like to admit, I've laughed and been ashamed of myself for the same reasons.  I've walked lines between genius and hypocrisy and insanity.  And I've pushed a life that; quite honestly, hasn't quite begun living yet.

And really... if there's any New Year's "Resolution" that I honestly hope to keep until 2015, it's to finally be able to start to live my life.  More than anything else, that's what I want.  But until then, I'm just going to see how 2014 pans out.  I have a pretty good feeling about this year.  Perhaps it's a little early to say, but I think I'm going to start off the year optimistic for a change.  Stranger things have happened.

Tony-Man and the Changing times

Well, 2013 is nine days from it's retirement, and 2014 is around the corner.  And that means it's time for a change.  Well, not so much of a change, rather than self-promises to finally get around to; and while most of them are really just wishful thinking, and me coming to terms that the dreams in which I have for myself are too great for me, it's way past time that I did something to improve myself in life.

I have decided, once and for all to quit smoking.  Not that, I actually feel a need to quit; but because I can not truly afford to keep the habit.  And well, because... I want to be a good role model for my neice my nephew, and for any younglings who may or may not ever come into my life.  That's not to say, I'm going to shun people who smoke, after all I'm a self-actualized hypocrite, and I get that.

Second, I'm going to make more of a conscious effort to exercise more.  Not that I feel that I'm fat, and slovenly.  In fact, despite my own fat-shaming and moderately poor self-image, I'm slowly beginning to realize that, I don't look bad.  There are even some days when I actually look okay.  And I get the rare compliment from members of the opposite gender.  Of course, sometimes I feel that they're joking, and it reminds me of Middle School and High School, and it causes me not to believe, but... for what it's worth, it brings me a cautious sort of happy.

Third, I am going to look for a better job.  Wal-Mart has really been dicking around with my hours.  And maybe it's just a Christmas thing.  And I get it, a lot of people are getting less hours.  But, I actually work.  Hell, I work more than most people, and yet I get paid the least amount of money.  (I've asked around.)  And yeah, I get it.  Life's not fair, and not everyone is rewarded for the work they do, versus the work others don't do.  But now I'm getting even less hours than before, and I still have huge debts to pay.  And even after those are paid off... I won't have money enough to live on my own.  It's a frustrating venture.

Finally, and this is more for me than anything else.  And it actually closely concerns this blog.  I'm going to be doing far less self-introspective, and more what this blog was really supposed to be in the beginning, and that was to Review movies, games, books, and other nerdly things that I respond to, since I'm part of that nerd culture.  Oh, of course, I'm sure that inner reflection and introspective will come into play, and I'll no doubt have personal things to put in, but I'm going to return this blog back to the way it should have been.

In fact, I've got a few topics in mind.  But I'll share those when I have the mind enough to share them.

As for my introspectives, I'll have them written down in another blog, but let's face it... most of my readers (if any) won't be privvy to it.

And I do have a site where I write poetry and some fiction, which is updated infrequently. 

So, much won't be changed.  Just I will work on me.  And in the end, I and my blog will become a much better product.

Tony-Man vs. Lunchin' with friends

I totally forgot to shout KHAAAAAN!  When I got there.

Okay, so let's get a few things straight before I get into this actually positive outlook on this Review.

- It's strange for me to eat with people.  I haven't done it in forever, so I don't have the "meal time social skills."

- I don't eat out very often, because eating at a place that isn't home usually costs money.

- Asian food rocks.

With that out of the way, this is actually the first time that I'm reviewing an establishment that's main focus is serving food.  And I'll probably try this some more in the future, depending on how things go here.  (You know, provided I have money, or a necessity to eat at a place that isn't home.)  Today  (today being the Friday the 13th of December 2013), I went to the Genghis Grill On Robert C. Daniel Parkway in Augusta, Georgia.  Which seems to be for a lack of actually knowing what it's called, a Stir-fry bar.  I'm guessing it is a relatively new establishment, or I just don't know so many places to eat now, since the last time I went out to eat anywhere was the Hibachi Grill on Augusta West Parkway, on April 18th, 2013 (Which in my mind is a special day, though very esoteric to people who are not me).  So, I came to the Genghis Grill without really any expectation.

I expected with a name like "Genghis Grill," it was going to be an Asian-style restaurant.  And being Asian, I could get behind an idea like that.  I ordered Mandarin Orange Chicken stir-fry and some water.  The service was pretty good, the crowd was somewhat busy, and oh... the company I had were awesome!  But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  Let me back up.

So a few days ago, My friends...

Ashley

Ashley

and Laura

Laura

were talking about doing lunch on Friday.  I actually had nothing to do with this initial part of the conversation.  I think I was at work.  One day, I'm messaged by Ashley saying that the two of them were going to have lunch together and that I should come along.  Because let's face it, I'm awesome.  That's probably not the reason, but I like to live in a world with colors.  Then my best guy friends was asking if we wanted to do something this Friday (today) and so...

John

John... as if you couldn't figure it out.

was invited to come out to lunch with us.

Okay, now that you're caught up, and know who all the players are, I gotta say, I was pretty impressed by the place.  I mean, it didn't feel like an authentic Asian place, but that's actually part of its charm.  I didn't see any Asian cooks, servers, waitresses, hostesses, or... people who eat there (save myself).  But I actually sort of like that.  I didn't see any Chinese New Year place mats, or anything that was even remotely "Genghis-y" but that's cool too.  The food; at least the food that I ordered was delicious.  They give you this pretty large bowl of food to eat, for a reasonable price.  As I said before, I had the Mandarin Chicken Stir-Fry Bowl.  While the food was delicious, if I had one complaint (because I always do, as a critic and review-blogger), it would be that I wish my bowl had a little more Chicken and a little less superfluous stuff.  But as said before, the food was undeniably delicious.  I would recommend it to anyone who is thinking about eating there.

I am sure, that the thing I liked most about being at the Genghis Grill was having my friends there.  I've known John, about 2½ years, I've known Ashley almost 1 year, and I'm only somewhat recently met Laura, so in the grand scheme of the Universe According to Tony-Man, these are people I haven't known very long.  But they're amongst my three favorite people that I know.  So when the four of us finally got to sit and eat and just be ... well, four gamers sitting and eating, it's a special thing to me.  I don't go out and eat much, even rarer when I eat with people.  But it's worth the experience.  Something that someday my notoriously skinny wallet will allow me to do perhaps on an infrequent basis.  I just had a fun time just shooting the shit with my friends.  It brings into perspective that yeah, 2013 has been kinda shitty.  And yes, December has traditionally just been a month over the last thirty years that has put me in a foul mood.  But days like today can teach me that you can't let the demons of your past take possession of you.  And you're a lot better person, in general, with strong friends who are with you.

And maybe it's just the spirit of Genghis KHAAAAAN within me right now, or at least some of his food, but I'm feeling pretty damn good.  I think 2014 will kick so much ass, and I've always got my friends.  The food was good, the service was adequate, my friends always kick my hard times right in its proverbial nutsack... what more could an infraggable Tony-Man need?  Well, except more money, being debt-free, a place of my own to live in, a new engine in my Mustang, and a giant Emperor turtle to be my mobile throne?  Not much, my dear blog readers.  Not much indeed.

Tony-Man Presents: How the Groomp Reviewed Christmas!

Everyone on the internet loved Christmas a lot.
When asked if they loved it, they'd say, "How could we not?"
December's so merry, and so pleasantly cold,
And Christmastime's fun for the young and the old.
Yes, the season seems to make everyone happy.
But the Groomp just thought it was all sorts of crappy.

He hated Christmas; every part of the season.

Please don't ask why, we're not sure of the reason.

It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right,

Or perhaps it could be, his shoes were too tight.

(Why... why would shoes affect how I feel about something?  I don't get it.)

But the most likely reason, I should think,

Was the Groomp thought his brain two sizes too big.

But whatever the reason, you'd like to consider junk,

Didn't change the fact he hated this month.

Staring down with his Groompy-groomp frown,

He never got what pleased all the people in town.

"Can't they see," said the Groomp, "That this Holiday is crap?

I'd rather hump a bear while caught in a trap!"

"This greed is atrocious, it's all over this land,

And I know a few people who need a backhand.

The season was religious, but put that out of our thought,
Why now it's as special as a two dollar whore's twat.

It's supposed to be revered; no commercialism we'd require

And who ever told you Santa is real, is a big, fat, fuck liar.

On top of that, we have people pushing Christmas down our throats
Why most of them sound like an irritated, angry goat.

And the more the Groomp thought about how Christmas could sting,

The more the Groomp thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

Why for thirty years, I've put up with it now,

I must stop Christmas from sucking... ...but how?  ...err, I mean in what way?"

But then, the Groomp got an idea, an awful idea

The Groomp got a WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!

"I know what to do," said the Groomp sitting tall.

"If I can't enjoy Christmas, I'll ruin it for them all!

A review of this crapper is just what they need,

I'll set them all straight, my words will take heed!

So come on, ya dickwaffles, let the bashing begin."

"The Christmas season starts on the first of November,

Which makes fifty-five days to force us to remember.

And what do they do to make it drone on for so long?

Those insidious, insipid, irritating Christmas songs.

Who gives a shit about Rudolph, and those corny Christmas elves?

Why I bet right now you're all touching yourselves.

And who cares about Santa, that judgmental fat prick?

Kids will be kids, so go eat a dick.

And what is up when they play those Christmas movies all the time?

It's gotten to the point, I'd be more amused by a French mime.

It's a Wonderful Life?  Please don't make me hurl,

Miracle on 34th Street, I hate that little girl.

The only movie I can tolerate, is The Grinch with Jim Carrey,

But I'm sure you can agree, the Whos were more scary!

I don't like the commercials they play; that's a personal hell.

They're just peddling all of this crap off, you buy what they sell.

Sneakers with lights, Wii U, Xbox One, and the Playstation four

Next year in America, a life-sized Barbie bitch whore!

Hot Wheels, and monster trucks, iPads, and cell phones

Electronic distractions, and loud drums, but never any trombones.

What's wrong with you people?!" The Groomp said, quite crass.

"Employees get fired, and tossed out on their ass!

It's no wonder why many people get depressed this time or about,

Many bad things happen, that they feel there's no out.

People can't visit families, they don't have money for gifts.

Relations become sundered, their lives are like rifts.

So far be it for me to rain on your parade,

Most people aren't as lucky to just have it made.

But the worst reason why I hate Christmas, and take fact.

Is that around this time, I lost brothers and sisters in Iraq.

Maybe it's not fair to blame Christmas on this,

But Christmas time sucks so much it makes me want to piss."

"O ho!" Said the Groomp, uploading his hit.

"They're reading right now, figuring Christmas is shit!

They're reading right now, and I know just what they'll do.

Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two,

Then they'll realize, and they'll cry boo-hoo!

Now those are the reactions I simply must read!

The Groomp went to his social media, in order to see.

But the reactions he got weren't very sad,

Why the reactions he read seemed rather... glad.

They still loved the season from beginning to end

There was no one to anger, upset or offend.

He didn't stop the people from liking it, they loved it.

Somehow or other it was still beloved.

And the Groomp feeling as though he'd been horribly conned

Sat there puzzling, and puzzling, "What the hell's going on?!"

"They like soul-draining Christmas songs!

They like contrived Yule-tide flicks!

They like Commericialism crap,

And the fact that Santa's a prick!"

And he puzzled, and he puzzled, until his puzzler was sore,

That's when the Groomp came up with something he hadn't before.

Just because he hates something, doesn't mean that others should.

He could share, not force his opinion, just like others could.

For it's all these opinions that allow people to grow.

For everyone is different just like every flake of snow.

And different points of view could happen for a reason

To make everyone proper and decent.

"Naaaaahhh, I'm right and everyone else is wrong."

......oh.  Well... fuck you too.  

 

Tony-Man vs Thanksgiving 2013

Where are their jackets?  ...and parents?

So, Thanksgiving 2013 is in the books, and while I'm sure everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and everyone had a good time... (Hell, even I had a good time, with no family fight) I do have some things to say about the holiday itself.  So in traditional Infraggable Tony-Review style, I want to get somethings off my chest.

In the omnipresence of Facebook, that amorphous beast that sees, and knows all, I've seen a bunch of posts and memes about how military members are overseas and don't get to spend Thanksgiving with their families.  People are apparently outraged about this, and have to use Facebook to express their displeasure about it.  If I could be allowed to slip back into my personal past, I want to share that yes, I was once a soldier in the Army.  I have spent seven Thanksgivings without my family.  I didn't get a chance to go home and eat turkey and drink wine with them.  So I speak from experience here.  Not one person in the military was forced to join in this day and age.  The age of the draft was, and is for the most part dead.  We signed our military contracts with the understanding that we could be called up for war, and many of my veteran friends and I were called up for the fiasco which was "The War on Terrorism."  We understood that war doesn't stop so we could observe our own gluttony.  Besides, most soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan, and wherever else got a Thanksgiving dinner, where we would eat with no less than say 500 of our militant family.  I don't recall a time when civilian families got to sit down with 500+ members of their family.  Okay, sure it wasn't 'Murica.  Maybe it wasn't with our biological/lawful families.  But we got to eat like it was nobody's business.  We formed the bonds of brotherhood with people we probably would have never even tolerated under normal situations.  We were a family, dealing with the same losses, the same trials, the same yearning in our hearts to be with our loved ones, and in the end we became stronger than the sum of our parts.

I can recall an especially dismal Thanksgiving day in 2008.  I was out in the red zone, all alone, being out in an APC (Armored Personnel Carrier), in my battle gear, and I was setting up a communications node.  The closest base was roughly 35 miles away, and I was taking on fire.  That was the scariest day I ever experienced.  I was tired, I was scared, I knew for sure that my story was going to end there.  I didn't even know it was Thanksgiving, to be honest.  (Technically, it was still Wednesday, in 'Murica.)  The only thing I was thankful for that day, was that I lived, and completed my mission.  I didn't care about making it back home.  I didn't care what was going on around me.  I didn't care.  It's days like that, that puts things into perspective.  Maybe I bought my life with mental distress.  Maybe I bought these years afterwards with social awkwardness, and maybe I'll never achieve the happiness I seek; but missing Thanksgiving because of the American outrage about their warriors not being home seems like a small and petty thing to be angry about.  Or maybe I should be more angry about it, I don't know.

Which brings me to my next point.

Because Facebook is a gelatinous blob, and being what it is, I also saw a lot of posts about how we're celebrating a day that we drove the Native Americans out, and massacred them.  I say to you guys, that although I get what you're trying to do, it would serve to do some research.  It is argued that the First Thanksgiving was in 1621.  Assuming that this is "cannon," this would be 155 years before there was an America.  The Native Americans, and the Pilgrims (Though, I would argue that they were Puritans, but that's a discussion for a different time) came together at the feast of Thanksgiving with mutual respect and the start of the bonds of brotherhood.  In fact, the feast of Thanksgiving last a week, and attending that feast were 90 Native Americans, and 53 "white men" who were there.  So think on that for a moment.

And for those of you who say that we were killing them, Trail of Tears, Manifest Destiny, and all that "white man" crap, it is a known fact that these hundreds of tribes of Natives were killing each other long before we even got there.  Why did they kill each other?  War, dominance, land, power, influence.  Sound familiar?  Not every tribe were at peace with one another.  And yes, there were some tribes that allied with the British, or the French, or the Portuguese, or the Spaniards, or which ever white man that would help them conquer the other tribe for the promise of land, or to be left alone, or for opportunity.  Obviously, we didn't keep our promises, but it wasn't like the Natives were just peace-loving hippies that only wanted peace on earth.  For all we know, had the Natives had the technology to come and sail to the "Old World," they wouldn't have done the same with us.  We can't make the assumption that Native 'Murica would have been long sat on its haunches.  They probably would have done what we did.  Okay, so we gave them diseases like typhoid, rheumatism, and measles, to name a few.  But the Native Americans were kind enough to pay us back in syphilis, tuberculosis, and shingles.  Diseases tend to spread both ways.

Besides, out of all those people who posted on their Facebook about the misfortunes of the Native Americans, all of that crap happened hundreds of years ago.  And none of you are full-blooded Native American.  Leave that crap in the past.  Hell, I've got trace Native blood in me as well, should I be offended about Thanksgiving?  Really?  That's small and petty as well.  Yeah, I think what happened to them is tragic, I think this endangered race deserve more courtesy, and more respect.  But let's not be stand-offish and cram these internet memes down our throats and expect change.  Let's have some sense here.  What's done is done. 

Which brings me to my final point (In a way that doesn't really have anything in common with the first two segments).

I actually had a good Thanksgiving.  The first good one in a long, long time.  It wasn't because of anything extravagant, or even special really.  It was the first time in a long time that a lot of people gathered at my house.  Mostly from my mother's side.  Can you imagine five or six middle-aged Korean women, who can't really hold their wine, just jibber-jabbering away in Korean.  Well, for those of you who have never experienced that, it always sounds like they're angry at each other, but they're smiling.  Their voices progressively get louder, until it's almost at that level where you could swear up and down that they're angry.  Personally, I love it.  I don't understand a word of it, but you can tell they're having a good time.  I also got to meet my youngest second-cousin, Jason, who is like two or three.  He's very opinionated on a lot of things; the boy knows what he wants and he'll straight up tell you.  He already doesn't like me.  lol, he's a smart kid.  (Yes, I typed "lol", the fuck, Tony?) 

Honestly, usually I have to think really hard to come up with non-baseline things to be thankful for.  (You know, health, family, and that sort of stuff that feels like checking off the box).  This year, it's a little bit easier for me.  I'm thankful that I have a job.  Okay, so it's not the job I thought I'd have at this stage in my life, but I have a job that I can go to and not just hate every moment of it.  I'm thankful that I'm not sleeping in my car, or sitting my ass in jail.  I'm thankful that I have a small core of hardcore friends who like me because (or perhaps in spite) of who I am.  I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to write these Infraggable Tony-Reviews (Which, will actually feature reviews of things that aren't my life, sooner or later).  I'm thankful that, even though I'm FAR from perfect, I am me.  And finally, (at least as this review is concerned) I am thankful that I'm a Nerrrrrrrd.  I'm a gamer, I'm pretty steeped in nostalgic things, I love games like Dungeons and Dragons, and World of Warcraft, and Chess, and well anything really.  I'm thankful that I can give insightful advice based on past experiences, and that even if I usually don't see it all the time (or most of the time) I'm someone important in at least one person's life.  And if I've made an impact on even one person's life even if only in some small way... then that's the biggest thanks of all.  And I have a feeling, that somewhere, somehow, someday... I'll feel like I deserve all this.  I'm not there yet, but you know... Evolution is slow, smallpox is fast.  We'll see how things go from here.

Tony-Man in Downfall #1

Do you remember when this blog just reviewed movies?
Pepperidge Farms remembers...

And one day, I'll get back to doing movie reviews, and TV reviews and less inner-introspective.  I promise.  But for now, I really want to introspective on what's been going through my mind these last few weeks.  Especially what's been going on in my head today.  It's just a part of what I think of every year at about this time, as it's starting to get into Christmas time, and many tragic events in my life just happened to happen around this time.  And maybe it's not the best thing to blog about this and then expose myself out there.  But, keeping it bottled up inside hasn't exactly worked for me in the past either; and when have I ever been afraid to put my train wreck of a life out there for people to see?

I don't know how many people know that I was engaged to be married, several years back.  I was about half-way deep in my Army stint, and I fell pretty hard for a woman.  (Surprise, surprise it's a blog about a woman.)  I don't know why.  I hardly knew the girl, but sometimes you can just feel it in your heart and your soul that someone is meant to be "the one."  We'd been speaking with each other, and she fell for me, and I for her.  It was about this time, those long years ago when I thought I was ready to settle down, start thinking of starting a family.  I had all of my shit together, had a stable job, no debts, the economy while somewhat crappy was stable.  And Bush Jr was in charge.  When I asked her to marry me, she said yes.  Little did I know at that time, it would lead to one of my heinous mental defects.  I probably would have thought harder in life.  (Something, to this day I should probably do more of). 

Honestly, I don't know where I went wrong, or even if it was my fault that I got played.  I don't really even know if I got played, or if I shot myself in the foot.  But it wasn't long after we got engaged that things started turning sour.  I noticed how we slowly were becoming distant.  I noticed how she was getting annoyed by me, or maybe it was her own self-loathing.  But this perfect woman, wasn't so perfect.  And I knew I was far from what she saw in me.  I knew that while I was doing reasonably well financially, I was already a mess.  So imagine my delight when I came home from my tour in Africa; only to find her in bed with another man.  Needless to say, our engagement ended right then.

I don't know what happened.  I know it wasn't just all her, I know I have my character flaws, and I know I'm not really a good person on the inside.  Even though this was years ago... every so often, my thoughts trail to this woman that I was to marry and it makes me feel just as awful as I did back then.  It was a caustic relationship, and I saw it through to the end because I was stupid.  I know that this event changed who I am and who I was, and I can't help it, because now... now I wonder if I can ever feel the way I want again.

I want to feel like I'm on cloud nine again.  I also want to feel that I don't need to have a safety net underneath me.  I don't want to feel like I always have to wear this armor, that's too dented up, and scratched up.  My helmet's cloven in two, my chainmail torn asunder, my greaves barely serviceable.  My sword rusted and notched with too much blood, my gauntlets old, and can barely move.  I want to feel again.

Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to capture that moment in time when I thought I was happy with myself, instead of putting on the facade.  I wonder when the day will be, when I can take this hood off, and see with my own eyes, the splendor that is life, and that is love.  I feel I'm so close to it, and yet maybe that soothing light I see, is just a frieght train ready to run me over.

I'm cautiously optimistic, but if life has taught me anything... it's that I'll have to suffer before I'm rewarded.