Tony-Man vs Thanksgiving 2013

Where are their jackets?  ...and parents?

So, Thanksgiving 2013 is in the books, and while I'm sure everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and everyone had a good time... (Hell, even I had a good time, with no family fight) I do have some things to say about the holiday itself.  So in traditional Infraggable Tony-Review style, I want to get somethings off my chest.

In the omnipresence of Facebook, that amorphous beast that sees, and knows all, I've seen a bunch of posts and memes about how military members are overseas and don't get to spend Thanksgiving with their families.  People are apparently outraged about this, and have to use Facebook to express their displeasure about it.  If I could be allowed to slip back into my personal past, I want to share that yes, I was once a soldier in the Army.  I have spent seven Thanksgivings without my family.  I didn't get a chance to go home and eat turkey and drink wine with them.  So I speak from experience here.  Not one person in the military was forced to join in this day and age.  The age of the draft was, and is for the most part dead.  We signed our military contracts with the understanding that we could be called up for war, and many of my veteran friends and I were called up for the fiasco which was "The War on Terrorism."  We understood that war doesn't stop so we could observe our own gluttony.  Besides, most soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan, and wherever else got a Thanksgiving dinner, where we would eat with no less than say 500 of our militant family.  I don't recall a time when civilian families got to sit down with 500+ members of their family.  Okay, sure it wasn't 'Murica.  Maybe it wasn't with our biological/lawful families.  But we got to eat like it was nobody's business.  We formed the bonds of brotherhood with people we probably would have never even tolerated under normal situations.  We were a family, dealing with the same losses, the same trials, the same yearning in our hearts to be with our loved ones, and in the end we became stronger than the sum of our parts.

I can recall an especially dismal Thanksgiving day in 2008.  I was out in the red zone, all alone, being out in an APC (Armored Personnel Carrier), in my battle gear, and I was setting up a communications node.  The closest base was roughly 35 miles away, and I was taking on fire.  That was the scariest day I ever experienced.  I was tired, I was scared, I knew for sure that my story was going to end there.  I didn't even know it was Thanksgiving, to be honest.  (Technically, it was still Wednesday, in 'Murica.)  The only thing I was thankful for that day, was that I lived, and completed my mission.  I didn't care about making it back home.  I didn't care what was going on around me.  I didn't care.  It's days like that, that puts things into perspective.  Maybe I bought my life with mental distress.  Maybe I bought these years afterwards with social awkwardness, and maybe I'll never achieve the happiness I seek; but missing Thanksgiving because of the American outrage about their warriors not being home seems like a small and petty thing to be angry about.  Or maybe I should be more angry about it, I don't know.

Which brings me to my next point.

Because Facebook is a gelatinous blob, and being what it is, I also saw a lot of posts about how we're celebrating a day that we drove the Native Americans out, and massacred them.  I say to you guys, that although I get what you're trying to do, it would serve to do some research.  It is argued that the First Thanksgiving was in 1621.  Assuming that this is "cannon," this would be 155 years before there was an America.  The Native Americans, and the Pilgrims (Though, I would argue that they were Puritans, but that's a discussion for a different time) came together at the feast of Thanksgiving with mutual respect and the start of the bonds of brotherhood.  In fact, the feast of Thanksgiving last a week, and attending that feast were 90 Native Americans, and 53 "white men" who were there.  So think on that for a moment.

And for those of you who say that we were killing them, Trail of Tears, Manifest Destiny, and all that "white man" crap, it is a known fact that these hundreds of tribes of Natives were killing each other long before we even got there.  Why did they kill each other?  War, dominance, land, power, influence.  Sound familiar?  Not every tribe were at peace with one another.  And yes, there were some tribes that allied with the British, or the French, or the Portuguese, or the Spaniards, or which ever white man that would help them conquer the other tribe for the promise of land, or to be left alone, or for opportunity.  Obviously, we didn't keep our promises, but it wasn't like the Natives were just peace-loving hippies that only wanted peace on earth.  For all we know, had the Natives had the technology to come and sail to the "Old World," they wouldn't have done the same with us.  We can't make the assumption that Native 'Murica would have been long sat on its haunches.  They probably would have done what we did.  Okay, so we gave them diseases like typhoid, rheumatism, and measles, to name a few.  But the Native Americans were kind enough to pay us back in syphilis, tuberculosis, and shingles.  Diseases tend to spread both ways.

Besides, out of all those people who posted on their Facebook about the misfortunes of the Native Americans, all of that crap happened hundreds of years ago.  And none of you are full-blooded Native American.  Leave that crap in the past.  Hell, I've got trace Native blood in me as well, should I be offended about Thanksgiving?  Really?  That's small and petty as well.  Yeah, I think what happened to them is tragic, I think this endangered race deserve more courtesy, and more respect.  But let's not be stand-offish and cram these internet memes down our throats and expect change.  Let's have some sense here.  What's done is done. 

Which brings me to my final point (In a way that doesn't really have anything in common with the first two segments).

I actually had a good Thanksgiving.  The first good one in a long, long time.  It wasn't because of anything extravagant, or even special really.  It was the first time in a long time that a lot of people gathered at my house.  Mostly from my mother's side.  Can you imagine five or six middle-aged Korean women, who can't really hold their wine, just jibber-jabbering away in Korean.  Well, for those of you who have never experienced that, it always sounds like they're angry at each other, but they're smiling.  Their voices progressively get louder, until it's almost at that level where you could swear up and down that they're angry.  Personally, I love it.  I don't understand a word of it, but you can tell they're having a good time.  I also got to meet my youngest second-cousin, Jason, who is like two or three.  He's very opinionated on a lot of things; the boy knows what he wants and he'll straight up tell you.  He already doesn't like me.  lol, he's a smart kid.  (Yes, I typed "lol", the fuck, Tony?) 

Honestly, usually I have to think really hard to come up with non-baseline things to be thankful for.  (You know, health, family, and that sort of stuff that feels like checking off the box).  This year, it's a little bit easier for me.  I'm thankful that I have a job.  Okay, so it's not the job I thought I'd have at this stage in my life, but I have a job that I can go to and not just hate every moment of it.  I'm thankful that I'm not sleeping in my car, or sitting my ass in jail.  I'm thankful that I have a small core of hardcore friends who like me because (or perhaps in spite) of who I am.  I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to write these Infraggable Tony-Reviews (Which, will actually feature reviews of things that aren't my life, sooner or later).  I'm thankful that, even though I'm FAR from perfect, I am me.  And finally, (at least as this review is concerned) I am thankful that I'm a Nerrrrrrrd.  I'm a gamer, I'm pretty steeped in nostalgic things, I love games like Dungeons and Dragons, and World of Warcraft, and Chess, and well anything really.  I'm thankful that I can give insightful advice based on past experiences, and that even if I usually don't see it all the time (or most of the time) I'm someone important in at least one person's life.  And if I've made an impact on even one person's life even if only in some small way... then that's the biggest thanks of all.  And I have a feeling, that somewhere, somehow, someday... I'll feel like I deserve all this.  I'm not there yet, but you know... Evolution is slow, smallpox is fast.  We'll see how things go from here.

Tony-Man in Downfall #1

Do you remember when this blog just reviewed movies?
Pepperidge Farms remembers...

And one day, I'll get back to doing movie reviews, and TV reviews and less inner-introspective.  I promise.  But for now, I really want to introspective on what's been going through my mind these last few weeks.  Especially what's been going on in my head today.  It's just a part of what I think of every year at about this time, as it's starting to get into Christmas time, and many tragic events in my life just happened to happen around this time.  And maybe it's not the best thing to blog about this and then expose myself out there.  But, keeping it bottled up inside hasn't exactly worked for me in the past either; and when have I ever been afraid to put my train wreck of a life out there for people to see?

I don't know how many people know that I was engaged to be married, several years back.  I was about half-way deep in my Army stint, and I fell pretty hard for a woman.  (Surprise, surprise it's a blog about a woman.)  I don't know why.  I hardly knew the girl, but sometimes you can just feel it in your heart and your soul that someone is meant to be "the one."  We'd been speaking with each other, and she fell for me, and I for her.  It was about this time, those long years ago when I thought I was ready to settle down, start thinking of starting a family.  I had all of my shit together, had a stable job, no debts, the economy while somewhat crappy was stable.  And Bush Jr was in charge.  When I asked her to marry me, she said yes.  Little did I know at that time, it would lead to one of my heinous mental defects.  I probably would have thought harder in life.  (Something, to this day I should probably do more of). 

Honestly, I don't know where I went wrong, or even if it was my fault that I got played.  I don't really even know if I got played, or if I shot myself in the foot.  But it wasn't long after we got engaged that things started turning sour.  I noticed how we slowly were becoming distant.  I noticed how she was getting annoyed by me, or maybe it was her own self-loathing.  But this perfect woman, wasn't so perfect.  And I knew I was far from what she saw in me.  I knew that while I was doing reasonably well financially, I was already a mess.  So imagine my delight when I came home from my tour in Africa; only to find her in bed with another man.  Needless to say, our engagement ended right then.

I don't know what happened.  I know it wasn't just all her, I know I have my character flaws, and I know I'm not really a good person on the inside.  Even though this was years ago... every so often, my thoughts trail to this woman that I was to marry and it makes me feel just as awful as I did back then.  It was a caustic relationship, and I saw it through to the end because I was stupid.  I know that this event changed who I am and who I was, and I can't help it, because now... now I wonder if I can ever feel the way I want again.

I want to feel like I'm on cloud nine again.  I also want to feel that I don't need to have a safety net underneath me.  I don't want to feel like I always have to wear this armor, that's too dented up, and scratched up.  My helmet's cloven in two, my chainmail torn asunder, my greaves barely serviceable.  My sword rusted and notched with too much blood, my gauntlets old, and can barely move.  I want to feel again.

Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to capture that moment in time when I thought I was happy with myself, instead of putting on the facade.  I wonder when the day will be, when I can take this hood off, and see with my own eyes, the splendor that is life, and that is love.  I feel I'm so close to it, and yet maybe that soothing light I see, is just a frieght train ready to run me over.

I'm cautiously optimistic, but if life has taught me anything... it's that I'll have to suffer before I'm rewarded.

Tony-Man revisits Veteran's Day

Because eagles saluting would look ridiculous...

Allow me to caveat a few things before I re-explore this holiday:

- I did not like being in the Army.
- I do not talk much about my military days.
- I have had brothers and sisters die in my time.
- I'm a little over four years removed from the Army.
- I served seven years
- I'm still wondering why customer service gets a week but battle-tested veterans get only a day.

What really is a Veteran?  I used to think that a Veteran was a person who fought in battle.  Sure, a generally broad definition, but one that always seemed to work for me.  Now; I think it's something a little more.  Instead of the general definition given above, it seems that in this post-9/11 mortem that we live in, a Veteran is now pretty much anyone that has served the military from pretty much 2002 on.  I get the distinct honor of being a Veteran under both loosely defined terms.

But what exactly is the price that Veterans pay?  I; not unlike several people that I know, have night terrors.  We have broken psyches, we have short tempers (well, I don't, but many do), we act and behave in ways that aren't exactly how people remember.  We have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders, and they come in various degrees, and various flavors if you will.  Me personally, I have horrible bouts of manic-depressiveness that stems from situations and people from long before I was in the Army.  The protection of America's interests is not measured in inflated worthless American dollars alone.

I don't really like the concept of Veteran's Day.  At least not really in the incarnation that I perceive it.  I see lots of facebook posts (some from fellow veterans) thanking Veteran's for their service.  But I wonder how many civilians actually stop and think about the sacrifices and the debt that we are still paying, 4, 5, 10, 20, 30 years after our jobs are done.  I wonder how many people out there really even know what freedoms we enjoy, and our supposed God-given rights are.  And I wonder what our founding fathers would think if they knew the state that America is in right now.

So, to all my fellow veterans, past and present, I say not thank you, because thank you seems somehow empty and hollow from an ever-increasingly complacent nation that has more buzzwords and cliches and catchphrases that even "Thank you" is becoming one.  I would just like to say, Good Job Soldier (or sailor, or marine, or airman), and drive on.  I think, while seemingly less personal, means far more to the men and women in the uniform.

As for me, I'm going to celebrate Veteran's day by going to work at Wal-Mart (Perhaps a blog for a different day) and doing nothing but enjoying my half-day.  Just know, that Halloween and Veteran's Day pretty much marks the beginning of my end-year slump.  Tune in next time where I will review something, I'm sure.

Tony-Man vs. Karma

Basically...

It's been more than a month since I've written so first, to all four of you who actually read this, I'm sorry.  But, with the universe and all of its inner workings and mysteries, and apportions to this funny little muddle we call Life: I have to question whether the universe has an equal amount of positivity to negativity.  And while I suppose I could go on forever about every little thing about everything until my hands fall off and I die from something undesirable, I think I will stick with my life.  And trust me I won't go into detail about too much.  (Yeah, like I don't do that to begin with.)

Okay.  So before I get on with this topic, allow me to caveat a few things: 

- I am a huge believer in karma.
- I don't believe that just your own actions determine whether you have "Good Karma" or "Bad" Karma, though it is a significant deciding factor.
- All people have enormous capacity of creation and destruction
- I believe that people throw the word karma around too easily, and I don't think many people actually know what it is.
- I do not believe in reincarnation
 

This suggests that anything that happens to you good or bad doesn't happen because you specifically did anything either good or bad, but its more like the product of actions taken in a previous lifetime.  Which pretty much is a complete different thought than most people.  And pretty much goes against most of my beliefs in karma.  But I'm also a self-aware hypocrite, so it works.  So why do I, or most people for that matter despite not believing in reincarnation believe in karma?  Is it because we simply don't understand what exactly it is?  Or is it that most online dictionaries are full of crap?  Or is it really because we want to believe that there is something that controls the good and the bad in life?

It's no secret to many people who know me, that my life seems to be a spiral that goes from one extreme of emotion to the next, almost in pattern.  It's no secret that sometimes, I live in my own delusions and I convince myself that I don't matter, that life exists without me, that nothing would change were I not to exist anymore.  And let's face it, in the grand scheme of things; I'm insignificant to society, I'm insignificant to the economy, I'm insignificant to politics, entertainment, religion, charity, to the world.  If I were to die today, the world would continue to spin, sun rise... sun set.  The seasons would change, people will continue to live their lives, and the world would neither notice or care that I am gone.

But when you look closer; closer still through the clouds I find myself no where close to where I imagined myself being.  I imagined myself at this age a reasonably successful person.  Living comfortably in my own home, with a loving wife, and at least one kid.  I imagined myself doing something important with my life, I imagined myself being someone important.  You know not on a global scale, or even on a national or state level, but someone respected in the community.  But, then I started making compromises with myself.  I began to lose my integrity, and before I could find my identity really, I threw it away.  I'm almost thirty-one.  All I have to show for it is a broken psyche, a handful of friends (most of them I've thrown to the wayside in an arrogant notion of nobility in saying that if they can't be involved in my psycho-issues then I can't hurt them) whom I'm sure sooner or later I'll distance myself away from again, night terrors, and major character flaws.  And I'm sure that's more interesting reading about it than living it.

I wonder if the choices I made when I was young, and still basically an idiot snot-nosed kid and my pseudo-goth/pre-hipster teen years are what's causing this cyclical sort of up and downs, that are usually triggered by some random thing that really has no effect on either.  Okay, so let me give you a recent example:

Wednesday night, the 30th of October, 2013.  I was having a lot of fun, I got to hang out with a friend of mine, we went to the Book Exchange on Gordon Highway where I was looking for a game that I really liked.  But we didn't find it, no big deal I can order it online once I have money I can actually keep (story for a different day) as soon as we were leaving, I met up with an old high school friend of mine and we just started talking as though we had never missed a beat.  Later that night my friend and I went down to karaoke, and halfway through the night, despite all the fun I had up to that point, and for no real reason at all, I just felt my joy slip away, I just felt all the cheer run out.  It was like a car that had ran out of gas in the middle of the Atlanta bypass.  (And that's happened to me before, so I know what I'm talking about.) That's not where you want to be.  I wanted to be alone, and I just wanted to shut everyone out.

But, I didn't.

And here's where karma does a strange thing for me, and actually decides to give me a break.  Yesterday, on Satan's day, or whatever you want to call it.  Someone texted me on Facebook™, whom I never thought I would ever hear from again.  And while I won't go into all the details, I had a pretty bad falling out with one of my closely-knit friends.  My friend was having a rough time, I was having a rough time, and we both just coincidentally reached our breaking point.  We pretty much said that our friendship was over.  My friend said some pretty hurtful things, and did some pretty hurtful things... I said some REALLY hurtful things, and really blasted my friend with words.  And then out of nowhere... my friend texted me on Facebook™ again to apologize.

I read the apology text probably three times.  I wanted to ensure that what I read was genuine, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't setting myself up for a fall.  And believe me, I ran the gamut of emotions.  I was confused, I was annoyed, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was a little sleepy, kind of hungry (being I was at home on my lunch hour, after having a completely crappy night at Karaoke, and then a crappy day because of some pissant co-worker who doesn't want to do his job), and the last thing I wanted was this to deal with.  So, I began to type.  Then I backspaced.  Then I typed again... and then I backspaced.  Then I sat there and questioned why.  Why now?  Why so suddenly?  Then I took a deep breath and took all that frustration and anger, and confusion and I just set it aside and let this texter know what I thought, how I felt, and where I am in my life.

I forgave my friend.  I accepted the apology.

 And for the first time in a long time... I looked past myself.

 

I don't do a lot of intelligent things, despite the fact I am in fact, reasonably intelligent.  Once we forgave each other for what we did... my friend invited me downtown to party and quite frankly, it turned out to be one of the best nights in what has been a rather slog of a year.  Is that karma?  I don't know.  All I know is that this friend of mine is one of my closest friends, and it hurt that we built this Berlin Wall between us.  But just like that wall, this metaphoric wall also came tumbling down.  I don't know what the ramifications will be because of it.  I hope for the best, but expect the worst.  But, I have my friend back, and for now, despite my being all down about life in general... it's good to know that occasionally, Karma will be stand at the front porch with some metaphoric hot coccoa, after you've been pelted in the face with a metaphoric snowball that had a metaphoric rock packed inside of it.

It's a long road ahead, and I have no fuckin' clue what's going to happen in it.  But you know, sometimes you just have to sit down in the blizzard of life and have yourself some Goddamned coccoa.* **

* Tony-Man lives in Georgia, where an inch of snow can be considered a death trap.

** Tony-Man doesn't actually like coccoa, and can't work a metaphor to save his life, apparently.