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| Basically... |
Okay. So before I get on with this topic, allow me to caveat a few things:
- I am a huge believer in karma.
- I don't believe that just your own actions determine whether you have "Good Karma" or "Bad" Karma, though it is a significant deciding factor.
- All people have enormous capacity of creation and destruction
- I believe that people throw the word karma around too easily, and I don't think many people actually know what it is.
- I do not believe in reincarnation
This suggests that
anything that happens to you good or bad doesn't happen because you
specifically did anything either good or bad, but its more like the product of
actions taken in a previous lifetime. Which pretty much is a complete
different thought than most people. And pretty much goes against
most of my beliefs in karma. But I'm also a self-aware hypocrite, so it
works. So why do I, or most people for that matter despite not believing
in reincarnation believe in karma? Is it because we simply don't
understand what exactly it is? Or is it that most online dictionaries are
full of crap? Or is it really because we want to believe that there is
something that controls the good and the bad in life?
It's no secret to many
people who know me, that my life seems to be a spiral that goes from one
extreme of emotion to the next, almost in pattern. It's no secret that
sometimes, I live in my own delusions and I convince myself that I don't
matter, that life exists without me, that nothing would change were I not to
exist anymore. And let's face it, in the grand scheme of things; I'm
insignificant to society, I'm insignificant to the economy, I'm insignificant
to politics, entertainment, religion, charity, to the world. If I were to
die today, the world would continue to spin, sun rise... sun set. The
seasons would change, people will continue to live their lives, and the world would
neither notice or care that I am gone.
But when you look
closer; closer still through the clouds I find myself no where close to where I
imagined myself being. I imagined myself at this age a reasonably
successful person. Living comfortably in my own home, with a loving wife,
and at least one kid. I imagined myself doing something important with my
life, I imagined myself being someone important. You know not on a global
scale, or even on a national or state level, but someone respected in the community.
But, then I started making compromises with myself. I began to lose my
integrity, and before I could find my identity really, I threw it away.
I'm almost thirty-one. All I have to show for it is a broken psyche, a
handful of friends (most of them I've thrown to the wayside in an arrogant
notion of nobility in saying that if they can't be involved in my psycho-issues
then I can't hurt them) whom I'm sure sooner or later I'll distance myself
away from again, night terrors, and major character flaws. And I'm sure
that's more interesting reading about it than living it.
I wonder if the
choices I made when I was young, and still basically an idiot snot-nosed kid
and my pseudo-goth/pre-hipster teen years are what's causing this cyclical sort
of up and downs, that are usually triggered by some random thing that really
has no effect on either. Okay, so let me give you a recent example:
Wednesday night, the
30th of October, 2013. I was having a lot of fun, I got to hang out with
a friend of mine, we went to the Book Exchange on Gordon Highway where I was
looking for a game that I really liked. But we didn't find it, no big
deal I can order it online once I have money I can actually keep (story for
a different day) as soon as we were leaving, I met up with an old high
school friend of mine and we just started talking as though we had never missed
a beat. Later that night my friend and I went down to karaoke, and
halfway through the night, despite all the fun I had up to that point, and for
no real reason at all, I just felt my joy slip away, I just felt all the cheer
run out. It was like a car that had ran out of gas in the middle of the
Atlanta bypass. (And that's happened to me before, so I know what I'm
talking about.) That's not where you want to be. I wanted to be
alone, and I just wanted to shut everyone out.
But, I didn't.
And here's where karma
does a strange thing for me, and actually decides to give me a break.
Yesterday, on Satan's day, or whatever you want to call it. Someone
texted me on Facebook™, whom I never thought I would ever hear from
again. And while I won't go into all the details, I had a pretty bad
falling out with one of my closely-knit friends. My friend was having a
rough time, I was having a rough time, and we both just coincidentally reached
our breaking point. We pretty much said that our friendship was
over. My friend said some pretty hurtful things, and did some pretty
hurtful things... I said some REALLY hurtful things, and really blasted my
friend with words. And then out of nowhere... my friend texted me on
Facebook™ again to apologize.
I read the apology
text probably three times. I wanted to ensure that what I read was
genuine, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't setting myself up for a
fall. And believe me, I ran the gamut of emotions. I was confused,
I was annoyed, I was angry, I was frustrated, I was a little sleepy, kind of
hungry (being I was at home on my lunch hour, after having a completely
crappy night at Karaoke, and then a crappy day because of some pissant
co-worker who doesn't want to do his job), and the last thing I wanted was
this to deal with. So, I began to type. Then I backspaced.
Then I typed again... and then I backspaced. Then I sat there and
questioned why. Why now? Why so suddenly? Then I took a deep
breath and took all that frustration and anger, and confusion and I just set it
aside and let this texter know what I thought, how I felt, and where I am in my
life.
I forgave my friend. I accepted the apology.
And for the first time in a long time... I looked past
myself.
I don't do a lot of intelligent
things, despite the fact I am in fact, reasonably intelligent. Once we
forgave each other for what we did... my friend invited me downtown to party
and quite frankly, it turned out to be one of the best nights in what has been
a rather slog of a year. Is that karma? I don't know. All I
know is that this friend of mine is one of my closest friends, and it hurt that
we built this Berlin Wall between us. But just like that wall, this
metaphoric wall also came tumbling down. I don't know what the
ramifications will be because of it. I hope for the best, but expect the
worst. But, I have my friend back, and for now, despite my being all down
about life in general... it's good to know that occasionally, Karma will be
stand at the front porch with some metaphoric hot coccoa, after you've been
pelted in the face with a metaphoric snowball that had a metaphoric rock packed
inside of it.
It's a long road ahead, and I have
no fuckin' clue what's going to happen in it. But you know, sometimes you
just have to sit down in the blizzard of life and have yourself some Goddamned
coccoa.* **
* Tony-Man lives in
Georgia, where an inch of snow can be considered a death trap.
** Tony-Man doesn't
actually like coccoa, and can't work a metaphor to save his life, apparently.
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