Tony-Man versus The Legend of Hercules (2014)

Boy Rocky, you've changed...

Hello fellow readers!  Holy crap look at all the blogs and reviews I've done this month!  It's been an exceptionally crazy month, filled with ups, downs, reviews, disappointments, and fluh... (for a lack of a better term).  To kick off the month, I want to ask you two questions.

First, what do you get when you combine pieces of "Gladiator," "300," and "Troy"?

Second, what do you get when you rush production of a movie, due to another movie with a Hercules theme that features Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (Hercules: the Thracian Wars, coming out 25 July 2014)?

You get this confusing, contrived and sort of pussy whipped movie that's as predictable as it is formulaic.  And yes, it's confusing in its predictability.

Okay, so here are the things that are good about it.  (And yes... there are spoilers here, but nothing major that will ruin the movie.)  The fight sequences while predictable, and make you want to groan at the similarities of the aforementioned movies, are fast paced and quasi-believable.  None of the fight sequences are one-sided, and that the heroes in the movie are sliced up, skinned up, scarred.  Of course, there's no doubt in your mind who is going to end up winning, but everyone gets wounded.

The pacing for this movie, while muddled at the very beginning, is decently paced.  There's also an explanation of Hercules' birth, albeit somewhat brief.  Then it jumps to 20 years after the birth of Hercules.  While I would have liked to see a coming of age Hercules, I know that it's not the focus, so they don't waste any time of stuff between.

All the major characters, and supporting characters have a purpose.  Not one of them are throw-away characters.  There is a significant death scene, but unlike in Thor: The Dark World, the major character that dies in this movie has character development.  You are given time to explore the motivations, the hopes, the fears, and the triumphs of this character.  You get to feel for this character's plight, and it contributes very significantly to the enter ethos of this movie.  This is a character death done right.

Which brings me to the stuff that I didn't really care for.  And the biggest flaw that I feel this movie has, is that it pretty much took the plots of "Gladiator," "300," and "Troy"; decided to pretty much cut all the soul out of those movie, congealed the rest of the movies into a new bowl and let it sit over night.  Then put it into a Hercules cooking tray and let it bake.  And that's basically what this feels like.  Okay, I get it, it's Ancient Greece.  It's Hercules, and there were wars, and gladiator pits and treachery and all that other crap.  But, when it's obvious... it's obvious.  This movie has very little in the way of originality.  Special effects aside (and some of them where just downright goofy), I felt that the writing of this movie could have gone back to editing one more time to make the movie a little more cohesive.

Also, Hercules himself in this movie... is sort of a little bitch.  Since the movie doesn't tell us whether or not he's born with his super-strength or whether he has to do something in order to obtain them, Hercules gets the shit beat out of him... often.  And I could have accepted this if he were fighting against specialized soldiers, or against other demigods, but in a lot of instances, he's getting hurt by the Mook Squad, for more than half of the movie.  I know that seems like a hypocritical thing considering that I liked the fact that he was getting hurt in battle.  I don't know, I just sort of expected the nigh-invincible son of Zeus to be a little more impressive than he was.  When he finally does show his super phenomenal cosmic strength... that too was, pretty bland and weak.  What pisses me off even more, is that when he's fighting the Big Bad... it appears all of his newfound super-strength is gone.  Apparently in this movie, Godliness is a McGuffin.  Which figures.

I pretty much hated all the scenes that had Hercules as a "gladiator."  It's not very interesting.  Well, the fight scenes are, but the character and the movie itself probably could have benefited more if they took the characters on a different direction.  But, I also understand the need to give the viewing audience something familiar.  Play to the least common demonimator, right?  The last gladiator battle was rather rushed, and I think it was merely there for phallic-warmongering that appeals to the young male.  (Don't get me wrong, I love a good hand-to-hand battle scene.  I just wish this particular one looked decent and had substance to the story).

All in all, the movie was pretty good.  It certainly helped that this time I saw the movie with someone, who probably shares in some of these points.  From a scale of one to super mega awesome... I'm going to rate this a recommendly decent.

And you know, sooner or later, I'm going to have to write out the chart I use (because there is actually a chart I use) for my ranking system.

Tony-Man versus January 2014

Her name is January Jones.  Sure it's stretching... but it works

On account that I haven't seen any movies worth reviewing, or done anything else since the last review that seemed necessary, I figure I might as well go ahead and review this muddle of a month known as January 2014.  Because, really... what else do you three readers of my blog really care about?

So, it's no secret to anyone who even remotely knows me, know that December of any year is particularly hard for me.  January, is usually when I get out of my December funk and start acting at my peak best for the year.  But this year, despite all the good things that have happened (and there were a number of them,) has been one of the weirdest and most confusing in a karma sort of way.

I speak a lot about karma in my blog and when I have a mind to talk to people in person about things that bother me.  Which is ironic because I tend not to allow people inside.  Sure most people have a general understanding when I'm doing well and when I'm not.  But perhaps to the fault and ruin of my own, I don't let people into the specifics.  I don't open up and bare myself to people.  And there have been only a handful of people in my life that I've ever trusted, unconditionally.  And by a handful, I mean less than the number of fingers I have on one hand.  Each time I've opened myself, I've found myself burned... scorched.  So, I find a reluctancy to allow people to be close.  I keep friends, acquaintances, even family at arm's distance.  It's kind of what makes it easy for me to push people away, even knowing that the only one I'm really hurting is myself.  Yet, I often do it, perhaps under some misguided pretext that if I hurt myself, no one else can.

So what happens when someone comes along, that I feel like I can open to?  I think the world about them, I let them know, and in turn they more often than not, get to see some of the worst in me.  After a comparatively mild emotional December, I find ways to self-destruct in January.  Usually, these self-destructions are self-containing, and ultimately nothing is learned, and the entire process start over again.  But this time, some good is coming out of it.  At least... some changes I'm making to my life that are in some cases 31 years overdue.

For starters, while this may be the most difficult change for me, I'm going to go completely straight-edge.  No alcohol, no smoking, no drugs, no addictive substances.  Not that I've ever been a heavy drinker, smoker, and I haven't ever done drugs.  [I have tried pot in my younger days, but c'mon, I hardly consider that a "drug."]  But, beer and cigarettes have been in my life for a while.  And I've cut out all of these things, for the most part.  Yes, I have the occasional beer, when I'm feeling it.  But, never again will I ever get stupid drunk, and embarrass myself as I did this month.

Next, I've begun a cleanse diet.  A very strict diet of juices, and very little food.  This is difficult, because I like to eat.  While I don't consider myself fat by any means, in fact, I'm still not over 200 pounds, I don't consider myself in shape, and it's a forced perspective that makes me think that I am bigger than I need to be.  I have low self-image, and it brings my self esteem down.  I often think of myself as a minor character in my own life.  A lot of that is because I have the "Ugly Duckling" syndrome.  I was never the popular kid.  I was a nerd in a time when nerd-dom was still underground, and it was the social butterflies that were good looking, and were athletic, and talented.  And of course that meant that all the other good looking, talented, athletic, social people flocked together.  So, take into account a kid who dressed weird, didn't speak with many people, sat by himself at lunch, and when he did sit with people it was usually because there was no where else to sit, and someone who just didn't conform to the norms... throughout his life, it sucked.  Imagine a kid who didn't have a girlfriend until he was 20 and just fresh in the Army.  But didn't feel like he was decent looking until after he got out of the Army at 27, despite the fact he was engaged to be married at 24... shit fucks with your mind you know.

In retrospect, I probably could have used the above paragraph for a different review.  Meh, missed opportunities.

Anyway, so I'm doing this cleanse diet, and I've already lost about 6 pounds and I'm on the fourth hole of my belt.  So, that's a plus on my side.  Soon (when I get some actual, non-debt money) I'll be doing my weight training.  So, I expect some big change there, soon.  Coupled with straight-edge... I should increase my fitness perhaps back up to my Soldier days, or with any luck, better than that.

Next, I've been applying to every single frickin' company in Augusta I can think of.  I'm just really tired of my soul-sucking part time job at a place where everyone's a frickin' drama-queen, or just plain stupid.  Now, while I admit it makes for some outstanding Tony-Conversations that I've been placing on facebook, I just can't stand being there, making just barely above minimum wage, at about 22 hours a week.  Okay, I know that there are others out there worse off than me.  I know a couple of people who have been fucked out of money owed to them, because of some jag-off who should be in prison, or dead because of the shit's he's pulled.  So, I know that I should just be happy in my cozy little fuck mansion in Dimension X, right?  And yes, I am appreciative of the job I have.  But you might say, that I'm a dreamer, and that I cannot wax happiness with what job I have, with how little I'm making.  I still owe thousands of dollars to various corporations.  I still after all this time, owe my parents money.  I still have aspirations of living by myself.  I still have dreams of my own independence.  I have a few pretty high places looking at me, and each one of them is a stepping stone to get me from where I am, to where I truly want to be.

Thing is, I haven't told anyone where I truly want to be.  See how I don't really open up to people?

So, those are just some changes I'm going through now.  Maybe these things are just exercises in futility, much like a lot of things that happened in my life, but then again, perhaps this is finally the small pebble roll that starts the landslide of my roaring 30's.  All I know is that my impressionable teens are long since gone, and my irresponsible 20s are becoming a faded memory.  I'm 31 years old, and what exactly have I done with myself?  A brief stint in the Army, and a haircut every so often.

January 2014 started off with high hopes, then it wavered rather quickly, and then the bottom fell out again, and now... it's retrospective and hopeful again.  I don't know if I can handle this emotional rollercoaster that's been mostly in my own head anymore.  What I do know is that despite me being my own worst enemy, and one that's dogged and relentless... I'm a pretty fortunate guy, who forgets that there are moments when he's just fucking awesome.

When he's not being a self-praising dickwaffle.

...it takes all kinds.

Tony-Man reviews Giuseppie's

I don't eat much with people.  I find the experience mostly tedious, and a chore really.  Granted the last time I went out to eat (at the Genghis Grill, if you remember) had been a pleasurable experience, and a memorable one, I find the experience a little lacking at this place.  So why have I eaten here twice, and the Genghis Grill only once?  Well, really so I could try to remain objective.

Giuseppe's Pizza and Italian Specialties is located on 3690 Wheeler Road in Augusta, Georgia which really doesn't lend itself out to availability.  At least not directly.  The food is adequate, but the presentation of said food leaves one to be desired.  The first time I ate there, all I had was a salad.  That was good, doubly so since it was free.  Bought by a friend of a friend of mine, so who am I to argue?  The second time I went, I had some Shrimp Scampi.  Which, while the food was good, it simply looked like it wasn't good.  (Note: I felt a little sick some time after I ate; but that was probably for unrelated reasons.) 

I'm not used to eating with people, and Giuseppe's is a little too small for my tastes.  I'm not claustrophobic, but I do have an issue with feeling crowded when I eat.  I don't like when people touch me when I eat, it is just a peeve that I have, I guess.  I don't really do meal-time conversations either.  It's an awkward situation for me.  And not only that, but I don't like having to have servers push together two tables together to make a bigger table, for a larger than normal party.  As was the case for the second time I went out there.

The price here was sort of inordinate.  While I don't mind paying for my food, I do mind having to pay a "mandatory gratuity."  I'm the kind of person who will pay a tip based on the performance of the restaurant as a whole.  This include the food, the hostess, the waitress, and all the people involved.  Therefore, I pay more when the food and service is excellent, and less if the same is crappy.  But I shouldn't have to be made to pay anything.  In my opinion, the second time I ate there, It wasn't a job conducive of having a 15% gratuity.  Which is a shame, because I gave Genghis Grill a 35% gratuity for their job.  I understand that they were rather busy that night, having several parties larger than usual, but they could have tried a little harder.

Now that I'm doing this cleanse diet, I probably won't have much to talk about with food here on this review blog; but what I expect from any restaurant is good food, at reasonable prices, with decent service, and I felt I didn't get any of those things.  Perhaps I expect a lot from everything, but I don't sound too unreasonable.  Or maybe I do.  In any case, while the food is adequate there, it's a place I don't think I'm going to frequent.

Until next time.

Tony-Man vs The Loft

So, in an effort to broaden my reviewer scope from just movies, I've decided to do food places, video games, bars, just whatever strikes my fancy at the moment.  And considering the embarrassment that I suffered recently at this particular establishment known as "The Loft," I think (against better judgement, because let's face it, my judgement is bad on most things to begin with) it's worth reviewing.  Despite the aforementioned embarrassment that I suffered there only but three days ago, I am going to try my best to stay objective since it wasn't this establishment's intent to embarrass me.  So, let's get this train wreck a'rolling.

So for those of you who don't know, and there are only a handful of you readers who don't know, the Loft is a bar in Downtown Augusta, Georgia.  Located at 927 Broad Street.  Which is basically a street that is home to seedy dive bars, disgruntled homeless people, and second rate nudie bars.  So, I'm reasonably comfortable there (or so I was).  And the Loft is one of the better places to go.  What I like about it, is that it feels spacious.  People can actually walk around in there without feeling like you're walking through some sort of clothes fetish orgy.  People can actually breathe there.  I like the bartending staff, they seem friendly because they seem friendly, and not because they're just trying to get business from you.  I do like that there are couches and a TV there, but of course most people clamor for the couches, which can be a pain.

The drinks there are pretty much on par with what a person usually expects to pay at a Downtown Augusta bar, which is appreciated, and the lighting and atmosphere is pretty much on par with what you expect from most bars and clubs in America.  Dark, but ambient.  Enough light there to see where your going, but not enough to sort of ruin the general feel of people who want to enjoy the bar scene.  There's even a sizeable stage and enough space for bands to play, dancers to dance, singers to sing.  So there is something there for every kind of interactive bar patron, if that makes any sense. 

So, aside my own personal baggage, what don't I like about the Loft?  Well, that's tough to say.  I don't like their house tequila, which did me in all stealth like and whatnot.  I wouldn't recommend it.  I don't really like the bathroom there.  But it's probably because I don't understand why they put ice in the trough.  I mean, seriously?  What's with that?  It reminds me of the bathroom scene in "The Hot Chick" with Rob Schenider.  Yeah... that's a thing.  I don't really like the ID security check at the front door.  I mean, I understand why they do that, but really if you're coming Downtown, you should be 21.  But there's nothing you can do about that.  I don't particularly like how the actual bar is on the left when you walk in through the door.  I don't even know why I don't like that, but it feels a bit tedious to be positioned there.  But maybe it's because that actually makes sense in a life that hasn't made sense to me, up to this point.  All of these things are really just nitpicks in the grand scheme of the bar.  Since I've decided to pretty much put aside the bar scene (something I should have done, long before now,) at least for now, I can say that the place isn't such a bad place to go, if you can get over the fact that it can be a little shady at times.

So, what happened three night ago that embarrassed me?  Well, many of you already know, and for those who don't I'm going to give the ambiguous abridged version.  Some poor decisions were made, I lost a lot of my self-image and self respect, I decided to make some changes in my life (long overdue) and until I feel comfortable with myself again, I've decided to be a semi-recluse.  I'm going to keep doing these Infraggable Tony-Reviews; of course, since they bring me some joy... but that night showed me that people see a lot of ugliness from me, and I disappoint the people who matter most to me.  And that matters.

Until next time.

Tony-Man vs Thor: The Dark World

The deference of Jane Foster and Thor

Whew!  Only three days into 2014, and I've already done a lot of these Infraggable Tony-Reviews!  And with any luck, there will be more to come in the coming year.  As the title suggests, this review is about the second installment of the Thor movies, Thor: The Dark World.  But before I begin (because I always have some sort of introduction before I begin my critiques, right?), allow me to get some stuff off of my chest.  I am not a big fan of Thor.  I mean, he's a powerful character, he has many traits that are admirable.  And quite clearly he has that sort of... je ne sais quoi that people are drawn to.  But to me, he's not that great of a character.  Mind you, he's not a bad character, but there's really little that makes him pop out to me.  But I'm not here to criticize a character rather than I am to critique a movie.

Coming into the movie, I watched it on January 2, 2014... when the movie had already been out in theaters since early November, and I could only remember all of my friends saying "ZOMG, this movie is the r0xx0rz!!!"  And they gave it a generally amazing review.  So when everyone had finally seen it, I felt left out.  At the time, I had immediate debts to pay to my family, for reasons best left undiscussed.  So, I didn't get to see the movie with my friends.  I didn't get to do a lot of things.  So, now that I was hyped up for the movie and expecting to see amazing things... I find myself quite frankly, a little disappointed.

It begins with a narrative of the universe before time, and how apparently even before light, and life, and creation was...well created, there were a race of Dark Elves.  Because... apparently they created the big bang and started the universe and all of its nine realms... okay whatever, I'll buy into it, because if I don't, then the whole movie is going to suck.  They were going to use the Aether, a magical force that was going to destroy the universe and cover it in a second darkness.  And that an army of Asgardians fought off the Dark Elves, apparently killed their leader, Malekith, and destroyed this Aether.  Except, they didn't do any of those things.  And already, I'm beginning to think this.

What the fuck, Peej?!!!

Okay, whatever... moving on.  After the narrative we go to the realm of Vanaheim where there is a battle going on, of the comrade Hogun... which we never get to know the personality of, because let's face it... no one gives a shit.  Meanwhile in Asgard, Loki is imprisoned for his crimes against Midgard (Earth) and is sent away, and the only person who seems to care is Frigga, wife of Odin... who I'll talk about a little more.

And they tell that the Bifrost bridge which was destroyed in the first Thor movie is fixed, but they don't show anything about how it got fixed, or even make mention of when it was fixed... but it's fixed.  We then see a few minutes where everyone is celebrating the battle of Vanaheim, everyone except Thor who is still missing his mortal love, Jane Foster (which we'll get to in a moment), and we get an obligatory Thor's shirtless scene.

Pfft, Thor being shirtless.  At least it happens early in the movie and gives something the women can orgasm in their panties about (assuming, after the first movie, the women are wearing panties).  I mean; honestly.  What does Thor that I don't have?  Except for those luscious golden locks, immortality, a big hammer, vulnerable... innocent yet fierce eyes, a mountain of muscles, a command of weather and lightning, celebrity, power...

Thor: "Don't forget my sweet ass, and ab muscles you could cut a steak on."

Yeah, and a sweet ass.  Really, pfft.  If that's what you ladies want in a man, you're superficial.

So, after that quite unnecessary semi-nudity we finally somewhat get to the plot, where a "Convergence" is supposed to happen, where it's this phenomenon that suffers from the 5,000 year rule (as all reality twisting contrived plot devices often do), where the portals to the nine realms become blurred, and the laws of physics no longer hold as strict sway or some bullshit like that.  And after a few minutes of dropping items into one of these portals (one such item being the keys to the car that brought Jane, Darcy, and Intern to a portal of the Convergence, which was honestly pretty funny) we see Jane getting sucked into one such portal, and is instantly brought to where the Aether is being stored.

And like all horror movie dumbasses, her curiosity outweighs her fear, and she touches it and is pretty much cursed.  When she somehow returns to earth, because that's not explained at all... she meets up with Thor who suddenly appears on Earth, after having a brief talk with Heimdall, the Observer Thor whisks Jane back to Asgard, and there they pretty much do nothing.  They have no idea what's going on with Jane.

Well, hold on... let me go back a little bit.  With the Aether now implanted in Jane, it seems that now everytime anyone touches her, the Aether blasts people within her radius with the power of the Dark side or whatever.  But apparently, Thor can touch her.  Why?  They don't explain it.  The movie doesn't really care.  He's fuckin' Thor, and we'll just go with that.  Everyone else seems to have less luck with it.  And also we get to see a little bit of Sif's jealousy.  Who is Sif, you ask?  Well, not that this movie will explain anything, but in the comics, Sif was the most loyal friend of Thor and at times lover.  And her jealousy over Jane Foster drove a long storyline.  Here, it barely gets a mention.  Asgard forbids any character development over its secondary characters.  And it's too bad, because Sif could be an interesting character.

That, and I rather like chicks in breastplates.

Malekith, awakened by the Aether's release, turns Algrim into a Kursed and attacks Asgard. During the battle, Malekith and Algrim search for Jane, sensing that she contains the Aether. Thor's mother Frigga is killed protecting Jane.  And they have this beautiful funeral scene... for a character who had maybe five minutes of screen time.  I mean, really... who the fuck was she?  She was Odin's wife, Thor's mother, and expressed a little sympathy for Loki, and that's it.  She's not given much screen time to be developed, and the writers expect me to feel an emotional attachment to this character?!  (Can you see where the main problem of this movie is?)  Malekith and Algrim are forced to flee without Jane. Despite Odin's orders not to leave Asgard, Thor reluctantly enlists the help of Loki, who knows of a secret portal to Svartalfheim, where they will use Jane to lure and confront Malekith, away from Asgard. In return, Thor promises Loki vengeance on Malekith for killing their mother. With Volstagg and Sif stalling Asgardian soldiers and Fandral assisting their escape, Thor, Loki, and Jane bolt to Svartalfheim, with a high speed chase, no less.

There, Loki tricks Malekith into drawing the Aether out of Jane, but Thor's attempt to destroy the exposed substance fails. Malekith merges with the Aether and leaves in his ship as Loki is fatally wounded while killing Algrim. Thor, cradling Loki in his arms, promises to tell their father of his sacrifice. Afterwards, Thor and Jane discover another portal in a nearby cave and reunite in London with Darcy, and Jane's mentor Dr. Erik Selvig — who was briefly institutionalized due to the mental trauma he suffered during Loki's attack on Earth. They learn that Malekith plans to destroy the universe and restore the Dark Elves to dominance by unleashing the Aether at the center of the Convergence in Greenwich Thor battles Malekith through various portals and across multiple worlds until one portal separates them, leaving Malekith unopposed on Earth. Thor returns in time to help his mortal comrades use their scientific equipment to transport Malekith to Svartalfheim, where he is crushed by his own damaged ship.

And that's basically the movie.  And... yeah.  Despite its problems, I still think that this is a very good movie.  The action scenes, while a bit over the top are awesome.  I like the relationship between Thor and Jane.  And something that you may not have realized, but when Thor speaks to Jane, he often switches to a passive voice, which for an arrogant thunder god, is huge!  I absolutely love the dialogue between Loki and Frigga, and the fact that perhaps there is something good in that malicious heart of Loki that he has something redeemable within him.  I like how Heimdall and not Odin is the "god" character in this movie about Gods!  I like that Sif is in the movie, though I wished she were a little more prominent.

I hated how near the end of the movie, the final battle, how they realm jumped so many times.  I mean, it worked... but they just did it too much.  I wasn't keen on the unnecessary shirtless scene.  I hate how they pretty much contrived Jane to touch the Aether.  I didn't really like the plan that came they came up to have Jane be the bait for Malekith to draw the Aether from Jane, when he was going to do it anyway.  I didn't even really like any of the side characters, but that's probably because they never spend time developing them.

The cinematography, and the locations were beautiful.  I liked that the did go to other worlds other than Midgard and Asgard.  I liked the pacing of the movie... which out of all the recent movies I've seen, seemed to get it right.  I liked the fight sequences.

Overall, I felt that even though this movie wasn't amazing as I had been hyped up for it to be, this movie was very satisfying, and its one that I will probably watch again.

Tony-Man pays tribute to James Avery

Uncle Phil, we hardly knew you...

I admit, when growing up... much like anyone did in the 90's, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air had a cultural impact on my life.  And while we had our Carl Winslows, and our Our Danny Tanners, Uncle Phil was in a class all by himself.  Recently, James Avery died from complications during open heart surgery.  To have not even reached the age of 70, it makes one stop and think.  True, we have had people die long before they reached 70, and personally I don't think I'm going to reach 70... but then again, I've never touched the hearts of America in a way James Avery has.

I've never met this man.  I didn't know his personality outside of the characters he has portrayed.  I never spoken to him, or even seen him in person.  I don't know his politics, I didn't know whether he had a religion.  I don't even know if he was a good man in reality.  I only knew that he was a man who seemed to love his job, and I only knew how sincere his performances were.  And while James Avery had played many characters, and many roles in his life.  The two that sticks out to me are Uncle Phil, and the Shredder.

Together these two were cornerstones of my childhood, and every night, I would always hope that someday the Shredder would at least gain some measure of vengeance, and "dine on turtle soup."  Which... sounds like it would taste nasty.  But, at the time, I thought the Shredder was the coolest villain.  Certainly a step of from Mum-rah, and Cobra Commander.  Perhaps even Skeletor.  Shredder would get things done, and unfortunately his help was... less than helpful, Shredder at least tried his best to get things done.  And James Avery's voice provided just the right amount of menace to make him seem convincing enough.

I could probably go on and on about James Avery and the many characters he has done.  But what will really go on is his legacy.  James Avery... a class act.

Tony-Man reviews Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

They're back, and even mediocre-r than ever!

In addition to watching The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, which was a good movie with several shades away from being great, I also recently watched Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.  Which was also good... that missed its opportunity to be great.

Now, I have to admit that movies with Will Ferrell are either hit or miss with me.  For every Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, there is a Stranger than Fiction.  For every Talledaga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, there is a Land of the Lost.  So when Adam McKay decided to direct a sequel for his first foray with Will Ferrell, I was anticipating a great movie.  What I got instead, was not unpleasurable, but it did leave something a little wanting.

Warning, the following contains spoilers, mostly minor.  Do not read if you intend to see the movie anytime soon.

Let me throw something out there.  I've always been a fan of many of Will Ferrell's SNL skits.  I think they are some of the most timeless and classic pieces of comedy that he's ever done.  With that said, I understand that a lot of that charm can get lost when doing feature-length movies.  I call it the Powerpuff Girls Parable.  (Unless there is an actual term for what I'm about to describe, then in which case, I'd rather call it by it's actual name.)  The Powerpuff Girls was a cute little cartoon filled with charm, as they usually did maybe two eleven minute segments, and kept the show exciting, with jokes and action... but when the movie turned into a movie, there was just something lost.  Especially it's charm, and I'm afraid Will Ferrell, and this movie tried to recapture the feel of a movie that came out TEN... yes, ten years ago. 

Which leads me to ask the question, why are prequels and sequels coming out so much later now?  I think Hollywood feels that we still connect with these characters, and while I really liked Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy... we have to contend with the fact it came out ten years ago.  And I haven't even gotten into the actual movie yet.

I think the biggest mistake of Anchorman 2, is that it feel so scattershot, that it feels almost like we're following a band of thirteen dwarves, most with no personality, all about a hobbit who quite frankly takes a back seat to his own adventure.  Ooooh...  The entire movie feels disjointed.  It's almost like the creative team tried to smash three movies into one (something that Peej should have done), and aborted half of it, and said fuck it on the other half.  That's not to say anything about the pacing of the movie.  It feels clunky, as it has Ron spending entirely too much time rounding up the news team, and then the rushed feeling of the ending, and a lot of parts in the middle that screwed comedic or story timing.

Also, a lot of jokes that were meant to be funny simply weren't.  The movie theater was quiet for some jokes that I knew were supposed to be the big ones, and I even heard one woman say "that's not funny." and that got a bigger laugh than the movie.  Now, there are a few jokes in there that got the crowd laughing, but they were the more subtle, thinker jokes.  But some jokes go on for far too long, not unlike a Sideshow Bob rake joke, which starts off as funny, then becomes unfunny, then somehow becomes funny again, here it's annoying as hell. 

The story doesn't really focus on any one thing, the side characters aren't really explored so much with the exception of Brick, but we'll get to him later.  (He's in the what do I like about this movie section).  Ron Burgandy's a little bit more of an asshole in this movie, and doesn't really learn anything, by the end of the movie which makes him unlikeable in my opinion.  There are more subplots and unnecessary off-shoots and tangents than a typical Christopher Nolan movie. 

There are other things that keeps this movie from being a great one in my opinion, but here are some things that I think makes it a good one.  And, let's just dive right in and tell you about the best part in my opinion.  Anything that has Brick Tamland (Steve Carell) in it.  Well, except for one joke that Brick thinks he's dead, and the others are trying to convince him he's not dead, and the joke just goes on and one with little pay-off.  But everything else is great.  There's a love interest for him in this movie, and quite honestly, is probably the most touching thing I've seen recently.  The love interest is also, mentally handicapped, so the relationship almost works like two children.  It's sweet but a bit bizarre, so you have to have sort of a weird mindset to really appreciate it on a level that I do, but quite honestly, I wanted to know more about how the two of them would relate off of each other, and while yes you do get to see some of it, and enough to reach the logical conclusion of where it goes in the end.  I ended up not caring much about anyone else, than I did these two characters.

There are some jokes that were generally funny, and they really worked, but... I was expecting the laughs to be dialed up from the last movie, and not scaled back.  There is a scene in the movie where the newsteam is working for a female African-American supervisor for the first time, and Ron doesn't know how to handle this, and he just awkwardly repeats the word "Black" every so often.  It's sort of like how Austin Powers kept saying "mole" except, unlike that example, the "black" thing wasn't funny, and got a little uncomfortable after about the fourth time he said it.  It gets worse when Ron meets her family, and he just keeps saying inappropriate racial stuff.  I guess Interracial Shock Value just isn't funny for me, these days.

So... wow, there's really not a lot of stuff here that I personally liked.  But, to the casual movie-goer, or even those who liked the first one, there is a lot of familiar, predictable, funny things.  For me this movie while showing a lot of effort, a lot of creativity, just missed the great mark, and settled for good.  Others may like it for what it is, and what it pays tribute too.  I'm glad I saw this movie, but may I say something... please do not wait ten fucking years to make a prequel/sequel!  What the fuck, Peej?!

This has been another Infraggable Tony-Review, you stay classy readers.

Next time on The Infraggable Tony-Reviews:  A tribute to the late James Avery.

Tony-Man reviews The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

The best part of the movie... sadly.

Happy New Year, my fellow readers, and welcome to getting this blog back to its roots, which is reviewing things that I think should be reviewed.  Pretty simple concept.  And this year, I intend to review so many things.  Movies, games, places to eat, places to sleep, I don't know... maybe not that last one, but the future, she is a whimsical mistress.  And I thought, what better way to kick off the New Year than to review this slog of a movie Peter Jackson likes to call "The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug."

Now before I pick at it, and tell you why this movie is basically Peter Jackson's wet dream, and a horrific one at that... I am a Tolkein aficionado.  I know how the story begins, I know how the story continues, I know how the story ends.  I also expect that there will be some deviations, there will be some things changed to make the story more compelling, and let's face it... anyone who has read the books know that Tolkein's material can be rather... well stale for lack of better words.  It's a bit of a mess, and while yes, this movie is an improvement over the previous iteration, it still falls short of Peter Jackson's magnum opus of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

So, obviously you can take away that I didn't like this movie... and well, yes, I didn't like this movie, this movie is cinematically beautiful... most of the time.  I guess before I rip into the movie, I should tell you what I do like about the movie.  As I said before, the movie is cinematically beautiful.  Every set piece made me feel like the characters are actually there.  The action sequences are fast-paced, and they're interesting.  The Elves return and Legolas (played by Orlando Bloom) who I thought was only going to have a cameo in this movie, is actually a pretty large part of the movie, which certainly entertained a ten years younger Tony-Man, who thought Legolas was the cat's pajamas back then.  And he still kicks ass, and finally gave him something of a personality in this movie... which I'll talk about a little later.  Even Gimli gets a mention, by his father Gloin... though I wish Gloin had more to do in any of these movies.  Pretty much any scene with Gandalf is gold.  And the introduced a new character, a female elf named Tauriel (Played by Evangeline Lilly who isn't mentioned in any of Tolkein's works, but let's face it, up until now the movie's pretty much been a sausage fest, so I'll let this slide).  And unlike Galadriel, Arwen, or even Eowyn before her, Tauriel kicks major ass in this movie.  She actually fights.  And yes, okay... Eowyn kills the Witch King of Angmar in Return of the King, but the character didn't actually do much fighting, no.  Here in this movie Tauriel kicks ass, looks like a bad ass, and I'll admit, gave me a raging semi...

What?  I like elf chicks, who kick ass.  Don't tell me you don't have some strange thing.  ....perverts.

I rest my case.

And of course, not since Sean Connery voiced the dragon from Dragonheart have I loved a dragon so much, and Benedict Cumberbatch knocks it out of the park with his voice acting.  The CGI while not perfect, does lend itself to the authenticity of this fantasy world.  It was the first time in these two movies I really felt that Bilbo and the Dwarves were really in danger.  That there was actual peril in this movie.  In the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I always thought that each member of the Fellowship was in danger at pretty much every tense scene.  Here in this trilogy, I'm pretty sure that even though I know how it ends, who lives, who dies... the stuff with Smaug is pretty much going to be the best action intensity we're going to get.  Which is sad, really.

So, now that I've built this movie up, what don't I like about it?  Well, unfortunately, there's a lot here.

Peter Jackson has pretty much waded in the "fan-fiction, fanservice" waters that he's drowning in it.  There's so much there that he decided to add which is unnecessary, and really just like a lot of the last movie was padded, this movie was similarly padded, and yet... even with this padding, Peej decided to cut too much to try to make his crap work.  First off... and this is a big one in my opinion (but sadly not the first big one) they consider these enemies that the Dwarves, and the Elves are fighting Orcs.  When in Tolkein's version of the Hobbits, the Orcs weren't even around save for a mention.  Their true names are goblins.  And even then they don't chase Thorin and Company past the Misty Mountains, where Moria lies.  But, I get it, Peej needed bad guys that would serve as a challenge for the Dwarves.  As if a fuckin' fire-breathing dragon once they get to their destination.  But, I could have let this slide if it weren't for the fact that Azog, the GOBLIN who died many years prior to the book's beginning, is now replaced by Bolg, the GOBLIN... who died many years prior to the book's beginning... for reasons that while explained is bullshit. What the fuck, Peej?

This movie also has the unfortunate curse of having too many contrived sub-plots that at times it loses track of it's main protagonist, for long stretches.  What was supposed to be a Hobbit's view of adventure, often takes a back seat to several subplots that's going on.  To make matters worse, Peej decides that instead of using Bilbo as a means to drive the story forward, he unfortunately uses Bilbo as pretty much a solution to the problems at hand.  And yes, Tolkein uses Bilbo as an answer to the problems, but unlike Peej here, Tolkein kept the focus on Bilbo rather than the other characters.  So, what the fuck, Peej?

Oh, which also reminds me.  I get it, there are thirteen Dwarves, and only so much time to give the Dwarves screen time and something to do.  In the first movie, I pretty much called the Dwarves, Thorin, Balin, and Not ...Thorin and Balin.  In this movie, it's become Thorin, and Kili and ...Not Thorin and Kili.  There's a part in the book when they get to Mirkwood Forest that the Dwarves have to cross a black river, and that if you fall in it, you could fall asleep forever.  There's no way to cross it except by crossing a rope.  Well, the fat Dwarf (Bombur) falls in, and that he sleeps for several days while others had to carry him, and yet, it's no where even mentioned in the movie.  When this is an important subplot in the book.  And I wonder why they chose Kili out of any of the Not Thorin Dwarves to be involved in a romantic triangle subplot that really didn't need to be there with Legolas and Tauriel.  Where the fuck did that even happen in the book, Peej?!  I could have let this slide if it was even in good taste, but no, you had to go Disney on this!  Fuck you and your contrived piece of shit subplot, argh!  What the fuck, Peej?!

And while we're at this particular subplot, there's a point in the movie where Kili gets wounded by an... ugh.. "Orc arrow," and Tauriel has to decide whether to follow Legolas or to heal Kili, with yep Athelas, kingsfoil, the healing herbs that Aragorn used on Frodo in Fellowship of the Rings.  But they never really show the healing process, they never explain how Tauriel knows how to heal people, I'm just starting to think that every elf except for Legolas is a god damn healer.  She can fight, she can arch, she can heal, I bet she always gets the highest DPS, and can serve as an off-tank in raids.  So, what the fuck, Peej?

Okay, this next one is maybe minor in the grand scheme of how contrived and fan-fictiony this movie is... but it bothered me for a long time after seeing this.  We all know that Legolas is pretty much a god of archery.  It's been proven time and time again, so my question is... if he's that god damn good at archery, why didn't he use his bow when he fought against Bolg in Laketown?  I mean, Legolas probably would have killed the guy.  I get it, Bolg is the Bad Trope in this movie, which automatically makes him far more powerful than your average Mook, but Legolas didn't even try to use his bow against him.  I think it would have solidified Bolg as a true threat if he could have dodged some Legolas fired arrows or smacked them away with his weapon, or hell even taken a shot and just got more aggressive... something to that effect.  But no, I guess Legolas just forgot everything he knew about archery and so had to go on his back up plan and use his knives.  Now, don't get me wrong, the fight sequence was good, amazingly good actually, but I would think that Legolas was a Combat Pragmatist.  Then again, this movie at this point's been one disappointment after another missed opportunity.  What the fuck, Peej.

I could go on for a while longer pointing out the things I didn't like about this movie.  And while this movie is a good movie, it just didn't do it for me.  I feel Peej took too many liberties, and added in too much that was stupid, clunky, and just self-serving crap to the fact that he just didn't care, knowing he was going to make money.  I would even dare say that he has become the new George Lucas.  That's the trouble with making prequels, especially on a subject matter like Star Wars, or Tolkein.  It's too late for these franchises, but please... let this serve as a lesson to any film maker who is even thinking about making a prequel to say... Harry Potter, or the Hunger Games, or ... whatever other crap is out there.  It's not too late for these movies.  In closing, I liked this move far better than The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  The Desolation of Smaug is one that I would actually recommend others to go see.  But, I would warn them to pretty much throw any expectations of the movie actually being true and faithful to Tolkein's original works out the window before going to see it.  If you want a 2 hour and 41 minute fast-paced fantasy ride, this is the movie for you.  If you want a 2 hour and 41 minute faithful adaptation of one of the greatest books to ever be written by human hands... I would tell you to move on.  What the fuck, Peej.  What the fuck.

On the next The Infraggable Tony-Reviews, Tony-Man reviews Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.