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| The best part of the movie... sadly. |
Now before I pick at it, and tell you why this movie is basically Peter Jackson's wet dream, and a horrific one at that... I am a Tolkein aficionado. I know how the story begins, I know how the story continues, I know how the story ends. I also expect that there will be some deviations, there will be some things changed to make the story more compelling, and let's face it... anyone who has read the books know that Tolkein's material can be rather... well stale for lack of better words. It's a bit of a mess, and while yes, this movie is an improvement over the previous iteration, it still falls short of Peter Jackson's magnum opus of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
So, obviously you can take away that I didn't like this movie... and well, yes, I didn't like this movie, this movie is cinematically beautiful... most of the time. I guess before I rip into the movie, I should tell you what I do like about the movie. As I said before, the movie is cinematically beautiful. Every set piece made me feel like the characters are actually there. The action sequences are fast-paced, and they're interesting. The Elves return and Legolas (played by Orlando Bloom) who I thought was only going to have a cameo in this movie, is actually a pretty large part of the movie, which certainly entertained a ten years younger Tony-Man, who thought Legolas was the cat's pajamas back then. And he still kicks ass, and finally gave him something of a personality in this movie... which I'll talk about a little later. Even Gimli gets a mention, by his father Gloin... though I wish Gloin had more to do in any of these movies. Pretty much any scene with Gandalf is gold. And the introduced a new character, a female elf named Tauriel (Played by Evangeline Lilly who isn't mentioned in any of Tolkein's works, but let's face it, up until now the movie's pretty much been a sausage fest, so I'll let this slide). And unlike Galadriel, Arwen, or even Eowyn before her, Tauriel kicks major ass in this movie. She actually fights. And yes, okay... Eowyn kills the Witch King of Angmar in Return of the King, but the character didn't actually do much fighting, no. Here in this movie Tauriel kicks ass, looks like a bad ass, and I'll admit, gave me a raging semi...
What? I like elf chicks, who kick ass. Don't tell me you don't have some strange thing. ....perverts.
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| I rest my case. |
And of course, not since Sean Connery voiced the dragon from Dragonheart have I loved a dragon so much, and Benedict Cumberbatch knocks it out of the park with his voice acting. The CGI while not perfect, does lend itself to the authenticity of this fantasy world. It was the first time in these two movies I really felt that Bilbo and the Dwarves were really in danger. That there was actual peril in this movie. In the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I always thought that each member of the Fellowship was in danger at pretty much every tense scene. Here in this trilogy, I'm pretty sure that even though I know how it ends, who lives, who dies... the stuff with Smaug is pretty much going to be the best action intensity we're going to get. Which is sad, really.
So, now that I've built this movie up, what don't I like about it? Well, unfortunately, there's a lot here.
Peter Jackson has pretty much waded in the "fan-fiction, fanservice" waters that he's drowning in it. There's so much there that he decided to add which is unnecessary, and really just like a lot of the last movie was padded, this movie was similarly padded, and yet... even with this padding, Peej decided to cut too much to try to make his crap work. First off... and this is a big one in my opinion (but sadly not the first big one) they consider these enemies that the Dwarves, and the Elves are fighting Orcs. When in Tolkein's version of the Hobbits, the Orcs weren't even around save for a mention. Their true names are goblins. And even then they don't chase Thorin and Company past the Misty Mountains, where Moria lies. But, I get it, Peej needed bad guys that would serve as a challenge for the Dwarves. As if a fuckin' fire-breathing dragon once they get to their destination. But, I could have let this slide if it weren't for the fact that Azog, the GOBLIN who died many years prior to the book's beginning, is now replaced by Bolg, the GOBLIN... who died many years prior to the book's beginning... for reasons that while explained is bullshit. What the fuck, Peej?
This movie also has the unfortunate curse of having too many contrived sub-plots that at times it loses track of it's main protagonist, for long stretches. What was supposed to be a Hobbit's view of adventure, often takes a back seat to several subplots that's going on. To make matters worse, Peej decides that instead of using Bilbo as a means to drive the story forward, he unfortunately uses Bilbo as pretty much a solution to the problems at hand. And yes, Tolkein uses Bilbo as an answer to the problems, but unlike Peej here, Tolkein kept the focus on Bilbo rather than the other characters. So, what the fuck, Peej?
Oh, which also reminds me. I get it, there are thirteen Dwarves, and only so much time to give the Dwarves screen time and something to do. In the first movie, I pretty much called the Dwarves, Thorin, Balin, and Not ...Thorin and Balin. In this movie, it's become Thorin, and Kili and ...Not Thorin and Kili. There's a part in the book when they get to Mirkwood Forest that the Dwarves have to cross a black river, and that if you fall in it, you could fall asleep forever. There's no way to cross it except by crossing a rope. Well, the fat Dwarf (Bombur) falls in, and that he sleeps for several days while others had to carry him, and yet, it's no where even mentioned in the movie. When this is an important subplot in the book. And I wonder why they chose Kili out of any of the Not Thorin Dwarves to be involved in a romantic triangle subplot that really didn't need to be there with Legolas and Tauriel. Where the fuck did that even happen in the book, Peej?! I could have let this slide if it was even in good taste, but no, you had to go Disney on this! Fuck you and your contrived piece of shit subplot, argh! What the fuck, Peej?!
And while we're at this particular subplot, there's a point in the movie where Kili gets wounded by an... ugh.. "Orc arrow," and Tauriel has to decide whether to follow Legolas or to heal Kili, with yep Athelas, kingsfoil, the healing herbs that Aragorn used on Frodo in Fellowship of the Rings. But they never really show the healing process, they never explain how Tauriel knows how to heal people, I'm just starting to think that every elf except for Legolas is a god damn healer. She can fight, she can arch, she can heal, I bet she always gets the highest DPS, and can serve as an off-tank in raids. So, what the fuck, Peej?
Okay, this next one is maybe minor in the grand scheme of how contrived and fan-fictiony this movie is... but it bothered me for a long time after seeing this. We all know that Legolas is pretty much a god of archery. It's been proven time and time again, so my question is... if he's that god damn good at archery, why didn't he use his bow when he fought against Bolg in Laketown? I mean, Legolas probably would have killed the guy. I get it, Bolg is the Bad Trope in this movie, which automatically makes him far more powerful than your average Mook, but Legolas didn't even try to use his bow against him. I think it would have solidified Bolg as a true threat if he could have dodged some Legolas fired arrows or smacked them away with his weapon, or hell even taken a shot and just got more aggressive... something to that effect. But no, I guess Legolas just forgot everything he knew about archery and so had to go on his back up plan and use his knives. Now, don't get me wrong, the fight sequence was good, amazingly good actually, but I would think that Legolas was a Combat Pragmatist. Then again, this movie at this point's been one disappointment after another missed opportunity. What the fuck, Peej.
I could go on for a while longer pointing out the things I didn't like about this movie. And while this movie is a good movie, it just didn't do it for me. I feel Peej took too many liberties, and added in too much that was stupid, clunky, and just self-serving crap to the fact that he just didn't care, knowing he was going to make money. I would even dare say that he has become the new George Lucas. That's the trouble with making prequels, especially on a subject matter like Star Wars, or Tolkein. It's too late for these franchises, but please... let this serve as a lesson to any film maker who is even thinking about making a prequel to say... Harry Potter, or the Hunger Games, or ... whatever other crap is out there. It's not too late for these movies. In closing, I liked this move far better than The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. The Desolation of Smaug is one that I would actually recommend others to go see. But, I would warn them to pretty much throw any expectations of the movie actually being true and faithful to Tolkein's original works out the window before going to see it. If you want a 2 hour and 41 minute fast-paced fantasy ride, this is the movie for you. If you want a 2 hour and 41 minute faithful adaptation of one of the greatest books to ever be written by human hands... I would tell you to move on. What the fuck, Peej. What the fuck.
On the next The Infraggable Tony-Reviews, Tony-Man reviews Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.
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