The Infraggable Tony-Man vs His 30th Birthday

{Original Post Date 15 January 2013}

With my 30th birthday now a week behind me, it's time for me to really face the facts. My developmental pre-teens are a distant memory, many of which I cannot remember. My impressionable teens have gone, and the things that I once thought were advents to rebel against, really have shaped me up to be what I was in my twenties. And my twenties... they've really left a lot to be desired. Here I am now, on the cusp of my thirties, and I wonder a lot of times if I've learned anything. Or if I just constantly make life mistakes for the sake of making life mistakes.

No longer do I really have the luxury of saying that I didn't know any better. No longer can I blame my mistakes on a world in which I still feel unprepared and unequipped for. There are many things that used to excite me, that I feel disillusioned to... and I still find myself asking the same question I have been since I was old enough to understand why I'm asking it. Who am I? Obviously, I'm Tony. The Infraggable Tony-Man but, is that moniker really a name of a person... or is it the title of a story that has random occurrences, in a chronologic yet happenstance order?

After 30 years, I wonder what it is that I'm really meant to do, or to be. I wonder what it is that I want, why can't I have it, and why should anyone give a shit. Obviously, I'm no where near where I thought I would be when I got to this stage of my life. Then again, I suppose part of the reason why I'm here, and not further along, is because I never really gave much thought to where I wanted to be. I still don't give much thought to the unseen future, or even in the near future. When does living day to day become an inefficient way to live? When does looking years into the future take precedence for living in the moment?

There's no instruction guide for life. There are only benchmarks of success, and obviously for failure. And even these aren't set in stone. Everyone's measure of success is different, but most would agree that a successful person is one that is mentally, physically, socially, financially, and spiritually sound. These are things that I don't feel like I've met. These are things that I feel sometimes I can grasp at some of these points, but others slip away from me. I'm imbalanced, and because of it, I don't find myself feeling successful.

I'm sure that people will look at this and just think that I'm complaining, and I'm bitching, and they wouldn't necessarily be wrong. But really this is just an introspective on where I am after having hit the third decade benchmark. I wonder if I could recognize internal happiness if it kicked me right in the teeth. I don't really know what is next for me. Perhaps year 30 will end up being the best year of my life, and it will allow me to appreciate the often disappointing teens and 20s. Or, this will be the year that I break down entirely and start selling crack, and becoming a he-bitch for some guy's man stable. The odds are pretty much even.

Whatever the case is, I just hope for an interesting year 30. If the past week has been any indication; maybe, just maybe it could be. Next time on the Infraggable Tony-Reviews, ....I'm not sure. Just watch out for it.